Do You Ever Look Back and Wonder How You Got Here?

“ That looks so busy” - I can’t quite recall who said something along the line but even listening to everything I did in the past, it did look busy. I even got tired listening to myself talking about all the things I did.

There were too many things on my plate that I didn’t know was even taking place. That’s weird isn’t it? Well, maybe it isn’t weird. I was just not living pretty much all these years.

I was just moving through the motions, doing my best trying to be alive or scrambling to find the purpose of my own existence.

In fact, in the midst of noise and commotion during hivefest,sometimes I find myself spacing out and lost in thoughts, wondering how did I get here? Not in a regret kinda way but more like in a dreamlike sense. As if everything felt so real yet so distant. From that experience, it invited me to do some life reflection and life checks, more like an audit of life.

Auditing our life isn’t exactly a pleasant experience to be. You suddenly have to sit still and really ask difficult questions. Some questions are not that easy to answer but once you answer it, you’ll get clarity of life.

From work, money, time, to any type of relationships I have, seeing the trajectory of how things are, I didn’t really like where it was going. More so, I hated the fact I used to keep on going without doing much about it or fixing things that should be fixed.

That’s what being in the dark cloud gets you I think, you’re alive but never fully present. Just like a machine that keeps on whirring, running in circles just waiting for its time to die.

I don't know but Sometimes you’re so chained to whatever you’re feeling and scared of making that move or ask for any type of help.

Look, it has been like quite some days after I was transported to another place. Being back at my desk, the same environment, yet now, I am a different person in a way that I felt all the writings I wrote here, the long nights of rambling, reflection, it all finally came into a fruition that I am a whole, as a person.

October has never been kind to me but this time, it is kinder.

I could look back to my own writings in October, any year there will be some type of reflection I did and even 2 years ago, I went through such a tremendous change. That was when I felt like I started to understand myself more and I stopped running away. But still I wasn’t fully present yet.

Obviously, at the time, I was ending months of living a secluded life. That was actually when I got reconnected with friends again and started to ease my way into society. This October, this time around, I felt content, not in a fleeting kinda way but more like the moment I’ll be writing my reflection next year, I know I was living and alive.

“ Are you sure you’re not euphoric now?” asked a best friend of mine.

Who knows? But one thing for sure I see things more vividly these days. I am seeing trees brighter than I should and this back in the day, was the feeling I could only get after consuming some nootropics to uplift my mood. But now, it’s all natural which I found pretty weird and strange. Either way, I loved it.

Still, the biggest homework I have right now is, are you really going to move forward in life and actually work to be in a place where you want to be?

That would be the question that I have and should answer within a few months or two.

But other than that, as I am growing older, no longer insecure, I know what I want in life and all that jazz. This should be obvious and I am happy to have discovered myself through endless writings here. It might take a while for me to rebuild my life again but unlike before, where I have no foundation at all, this time I have it, which changed the whole thing.

These journals are proof that time does heal the pain and hopeful words became some type of prayers and it did come true. So, if you haven't started journaling, it's one of the best thing to do and you can look back to who you were, what happened and how you get where you are right now.