Conversations With Myself

I find myself, questioning the way in which our world is right now. How there is so much suffering at the moment, so much being allowed, being created. It's mind blowing for me to try and grasp, how it is still happening. It weight's so heavy. Yet nothing, compared to those who suffer. What a crazy world we live in, when alongside that, is my reality. How my life is so drastically different. How to understand that, why some and not others, why anyone at all.

Today I felt such a heaviness. I felt exhausted. We've had crazy winds here, winds that will eventually find their way into your head and blow crazy in there. Today, there was none and yet, I really felt their presence. Its like life caught up with me, all the hours I've spend working,walking, dancing, cooking, cleaning, gardening. My days, my weeks, have been very busy. I have to find a better balance, but for now, there is no other options. So I just get on with it, I have to.

After some care work, then some cleaning work, I found myself finally at home, finally able to just be still. One hour before I had to go to work again. I had some food and hung out with my youngest, until it was time for me to walk to town for work. Walking is my time to think, today though I felt how tired my body was. And I found myself, thinking how I had no right to complain, I am so much more better off than some. So I pushed myself. I done what I had to do, but I was happy to finish.

Wednesday, is Biodanza day. I don't always make it and today I felt a real resistance to go. I was tired and I was going to be late. Best to just go home, I really didn't have the energy to go. I came home, sat down, but then all of a sudden I thought ' damn it, I'm going to go', luckily the venue is nearby, so I grabbed some water, my bag and left.

I will never understand, why some suffer and others don't. We are all human, we all deserve to live our lives, without the constant fear of death and suffering. So, we have to focus on what we can do. I choose to focus on what I can do. To dance for those who can't, to lighten the load. To come together with others and open ourselves up to love, to feel it flow freely amongst us. To choose love.

To choose to be more loving, more understanding, more aware. It's interesting, how much our bodies can resist it though. I guess, because its still a little alien to us. When we live in a world, where we are so often pitted against one another.

So I went to biodanza, I sat in the opening circle, still feeling exhausted. But then came the opportunity to share and it turned out, I'm not the only one who is trying to make sense of this world. Even though we know its not possible. It's not even important. What's more important, is where we put our energy, what we create. That we create.

I arrived exhausted, weighted down. But during the session, I got to shake it all off. To go a little crazy. To empty myself. So that I can fill myself back up again.

All photos are my own.