When Your Day Starts Off Heavy

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I felt so tired when I woke up, but I wiped the sleep from my eyes and rose. I don't eat so much in the morning, usually just a banana with lemon water. After I'm fully dressed I leave, my headphones on, music playing and I am on my way to work. I can't help but dance a little as I walk, some music, I just can't not dance to it. I mean I could, but the desire to dance, I quite happily let it take over, for the simple reason that it makes me feel good.

Im used to the walk into town now, it's quite a steady uphill walk, but I don't feel the strain anymore. It just feels good to move. Today is the first year, of my father's passing. It's hard to believe it's been a year. Hard to believe that I'll never see him again. That he is in fact, really gone. So today, is a good day for me to be moving, as it helps me to process and it gives me some time to myself. I'm grateful that I'm busy. I don't really crave company, but it's been good to chat with others.

I'm back from work, motivating my two eldest girls to get ready to go to Banana Mountain, whilst I'm also tidying up. They are getting a lift there, but with different people. My eldest leaves first, but 10 minutes after she left, I get a distressed call from her. She has tripped and thinks she may have twisted her ankle. I make my way to collect her, supporting her, as we walk very slowly home. Her ankle doesn't looked twisted luckily, more sprained. There was some swelling, so when we got home, I got her to elevate her foot and I put arnica gel on her ankle.

Before I knew it, it was time for me to head back into town, for more care work. Time to walk and process, to dance a little. To grief a little, as the realisation hits me, that I will never have the father I longed for. Never have a close relationship, because our chance is gone. I couldn't change him. I can only change myself.

After work, I speak with my sister. It feels good to connect with her, to share some of our grief. Then I made some dinner, as I waited for a zoom call I had scheduled in today.
To connect with some of the Free Folk, that my friend Danny has created, to discuss a project we will create together. Something I feel passionate about. Creating a space for people to be heard, maybe even helping to connect folk. The real aim, is to help empower others.

It felt like a great way to end this heavy day, focusing on the positive, on what I can help create.