P.A.I.N

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“Ebere? Ebere!” Dare softly called out to me. I turned, staring into the eyes of the man I had known for 10 years and loved for just as long. “I’m sorry,” he said. His lips were still moving, but I could no longer make out what he was saying.

I tried to speak but I couldn't even form the words in my head. I had no idea what to say, my feet were stuck in place, and my heart literally beat at what seemed like the speed of light. I was aware of everything around me but somehow distant from it all. My eyes were glazed.

“Ebere! Ebere!!” He called out to me again, shaking me this time as well. Although I could hear him this time, I did not want to, I didn't feel ready to listen. I mean how could I? I wanted to go back in time, I needed to go back.

Barely 24 hours ago we were planning to spend the rest of our lives together and somehow here we are. It had to be a dream.

“I already called Funmi to cancel with all the vendors. I told her we wouldn’t be going forward with the wedding” Dare said, mentioning his younger sister who happened to be our wedding planner.

At this point, my mouth was completely dry. Trying so hard to stay afloat in the midst of how fast everything I grew to love had come crashing down, I was in utter shock. He continued:

” I really do love you Ebere but you have to admit that things between us have not exactly been the best lately. We barely have time for each other, our conversations are forced and monotonous, your new job has taken up all your time. We haven’t gone on a proper date in 6 months because you seemingly love your job more than you’ll ever love me. How can I compete with that? I feel invisible, neglected. How can we expect to keep a marriage when our relationship is barely afloat? I would rather we end things on a somewhat good note than continue till we both resent each other.”

I wanted to yank my wig off, scream out loud till my vocal cords hurt, punch the walls till my knuckles bleed and cry till my body couldn't take it anymore. I was hurting. I was not okay, I am not okay.

“Can I at least keep the ring?” These were all the words I could utter while fighting the urge to cry in his presence. The last thing I wanted to do was show him how broken I really was at that moment.

“Of course you can. It’ll be a little something for you to fondly remember me by” he replied, smiling sadly. He leaned down and pulled me into his arms, pouring all the love he supposedly felt for me into a hug.

Boy, it was everything I needed. Summoning all the strength I could, I pulled back from him and walked towards the direction of my door with him following closely behind me.

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“Goodbye Ebere” he mumbled stepping out of my apartment. “Goodbye Dare,” I said, shutting the door behind him, finally letting go of the tears that had been building up all this time.

Watching the love of my life walk away was the last straw that literally broke my heart, shattering it into a million irreconcilable pieces with a force and intensity I could have never imagined.

I am unable to eat because my tongue has lost its ability to taste, I barely even have an appetite. I can’t sleep because when I try to, all I see is him- Dare. Memories of what we shared continue to haunt me.

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How would I ever survive this? How do I start over? I can’t stand to imagine myself in the arms of another. It can only be DARE. I feel like a failure, I failed us. Now, I'm faced with the horror of my new reality and the uncertainty of my future.

My greatest PAIN stems from losing the man of my dreams.