When coffee beans become something nebulous [#spillthebeans]

In the coffee bean industry, Rusty O’Malley was known for his passion, and it was this passion which elevated his business to one of the most prominent in the country. Each day Rusty was particular; he would get up, sniff each batch of beans, and with a nose like a beagle, would assess their quality. It was this trait which led to his beans being highly prized, but also, to command a premium price.

Post-sniff one morning, however, Rusty noticed not only the quality of the particular beans in front of him, but the sheer quantity of inventory. Needless to say, it gave him pause. Looking around the facility, he began to take note of the amount of machines which had been off-line – and, further, it gave him pause. His hands began to sweat, and as he hysterically began to demand a trading update, his sweat was starting to pool off him. The more he looked, the more he noticed the sacks of beans and boxes of packaged product. In front of his eyes the mountains of beans transformed into a mountain of debt! He fretted, as without turnover, he would become insolvent. ‘I’ll be ruined’, he uttered breathlessly.

And then Rusty went into action. He had an old acquaintance, George Randall, whose talents in marketing had made his business the behemoth that it had become, and he was certain of his talent to get him out of his predicament. It wasn’t more than forty minutes later, at an oversized board meeting table, that Rusty had his proposition. It was simple; it would harness the power of consumerism in a way that he’d never seen it before. To be specific, it would prey on the pockets of the young, whose stupidity and desire for things beyond them would be their downfall.

The gimmick would be easy; a quick rebrand – no longer was Rusty O’Malley selling the finest Arabica beans in the world. He was selling something far more nebulous: desire.

The social media part of the plan turned out to be easy too, as George had hired a dozen influencers to come in for filming, each one given the simple premise for a script: they would take the old beans which had been painted an assortment of reds and pinks to evoke particular emotions, and they would each say a chant, and ‘tell the universe what they desire’ before burning the beans on a fire. That afternoon #desirebeans began to trend. At first, the hashtags started off slowly, but the momentum was being built globally as all around the world the influencers videos demanded attention.

One influencer, InstagramFleur desired chocolate – and went to her cupboard and there it was. Another, TikTokTimmy desired a hot date, and within moments had a text message with a cheeky proposition. And then there was FreidaOnFacebook whose video burning ceremony had her desiring a large cappuccino and a new pair of some branded jeans. Needless to say, both arrived by home delivery and she claimed to not have ordered either. It seemed the impossible was becoming probable, and that the universe was dishing out desire to whomever asked.

All around the globe, the hysteria grew: where could the consumer get such potent beans? Of course, there were efforts being filmed where would-be celebrities burned their regular coffee beans, but to no effect. And, as the hysteria continued to built to a crescendo, the secret was revealed: Rusty O’Malley was selling the premium painted beans, and despite the price premium, he sold out within minutes. Order after order flooded his databases, and his factory staff was amused that the fine Arabica beans, despite their age, were simply beaning burnt. And then, the blasphemy began: Rusty ordered his employees to begin to dip the fresh beans in the colour pots – that was until, there was not a single bean left in his empire.

At the end of the day, Rusty smirked – he had started the day with an inventory of stale beans – or that was to say, #desirebeans – and, he had desired them gone. To his astonishment, he’d got what he’d desired… unlike his customers, whose damning reviews would go unread by Rusty, who sailed off into retirement on a brand new yacht, reflecting on just how dumb young people are today and thinking that all was good in his own universe.