The Speech Act

Fears! My fears were a bit too much at a particular time in my life. I was scared of almost everything that involves people. I didn't want to be around people because I don't want to talk. Not that I don't know what to say but I just didn't want to make a mistake. I don't know what this fear is called but it affected my life negatively.

It was almost becoming inferiority complex. My mum would ask me why I didn't answer so and so question in church that day I would just ignore her questions because there was no reason why I didn't answer. I also didn't want being around many people. I don't just want anyone to notice me or say anything to me

A picture of myself

I hated parties like it's a sacrilege. When extended family members are around the house for a party, I always lock myself up somewhere. I just didn't want anything or anyone to engage me in any conversation or bringing up comparison with any of my cousins.

I wasn't doing badly in my academics neither is there anything I'm ashamed of. I just don't want to talk amongst people or be among strangers. I don't want people to hear my voice. I have been mocked countless times about my voice, so, I started being ashamed to speak when there are strangers.

I also think maybe because I was used to enjoying my own company, that is the reason for not wanting to be or talk around people that I am not familiar with.
I have spoken about my friends in the university and how they helped me a lot of times. My friend Mariam was really outspoken and she could address our class of three hundred and they'll all listen to her. I usually just smile when I watch her do it all the time.

There was this course in school then DRA 101 introduction to Drama. I still remember how I was scared of the SPEECH ACT. The speech act is a one man act that you have to first know your lines which is about three hundred words, culled from Shakespeare's book. Either Macbeth or Murder in the Cathedral and then,the person present alone assuming whatever character he chooses. I dreaded this so much but I got my lines which I still remember till date.

My friends already concluded on what they want to act like but I couldn't decide. Most of the department lectures would be seated, the three hundred students in my class would be there students of 200L to 400L would be there to watch, students from other departments who just want to see what we're doing would also be present.

I was scared because it determined my passing the course and it has to be done well. I kept imagining the crowd that will watch me that day and I didn't want to fail. I thought of acting an old woman but I couldn't even try to practice it. I thought of a lot of things but the fear of the audience kept weighing me down.

My friend continued to encourage me. She told me that I shouldn't focus on their faces but I should see them as furniture. Oh, Mariam kept on telling me how smart I was and how I would do well. I also started to speak positively. That I could do it.

On the set day, I knew I would be part of the first 5 to present because of my matriculation number. The first four people before me didn't do well, it's either they forgot their lines or their act was ridiculous. I was called, and I got on the podium. I acted like a teacher who wants to teach the class holding a chalk, book and cane which were things teachers used then. I presented with the mind set that I must pass the course so I gave it my best.

Image source

Everyone clapped after my presentation. I saw my lecturer smiling. When he spoke, he said I had a nice voice that made my speech sound good to listen to, and my act was unique and well presented. I was so happy and proud of myself. My friend hugged me and told me how wonderful I did. My class mates also gave me credit and talked about how good my presentation was.That was the end of fear in me. After that, I realized that I could do it and I stopped being scared of any gathering. Though, it didn't all leave at once, sometimes when I start taking, I may feel shaky and as if there is something on my chest but as I continue, I get my balance and flow.

With time, I discovered how powerful my voice was and the importance of using it positively.
I have continued to develop myself over the years and it's worth the ride .
Happy world voice day!

Thanks for stopping by, I really appreciate you.
This is my response to Hive learners community weekly featured contents on the Topic; Facing My Fears

Yours truly, @aunty-tosin💕💕