I have a lot of meetings with people from various walks of life including corporate executives, boards, committees, Directors, government officials, business owners and many others; each have their own needs and agenda, as do I, and I do more listening than I do talking - it's the best way to create a positive outcome; we have two ears and one mouth, and should use them in that proportion, is a common quote.
I thought I'd share a few tips I've applied along the way, the top ten.
Listening, sounds easy and it should be but so many people do it wrong and in business (and many other situations) failure to listen effectively can be costly.
Yesterday I had a meeting with a group of people representing three key stakeholders who are working on a collaboration between the three organisations, my own is one of them. It was horrific. One of the others was a terrible listener who interjected and spoke over myself and the other person and it derailed the entire meeting; considering the seriousness of the meeting and the dollar-value in play, it was damaging and a waste of time and resources.
I came away disappointed as a lot had gone into the meeting preparation and I felt an opportunity may be lost - it also made me think about the basics of effective listening prompting this post and the ten points I've outlined below. These may not work for every situation, remember I'm coming from the point of view of a professional business meeting, but even in social situations good listening is required, the skills are transferrable.
Stop talking
There should only be one person talking at a time - Listening is done with the ears not the mouth and interrupting while the other person is speaking is annoying for the person speaking.
Pause before you talk
Let the other person have time to complete their thought or make their point then wait a few seconds prior to responding - Asking, is there anything else? can be a nice way to get them opening up some more as there mostly is something else.
Plan what you say next
Thinking about one's response while the other person is speaking isn't conducive to good listening - Plan your next question, comment or thought, in a gap or pause in the talking not while you're supposed to be listening to understand them.
Listening for understanding
Listen, hear and understand what the other person is saying - You may not agree with it, but understanding it can help you move the meeting or engagement along with better outcomes.
Paraphrase
Repeating or summarising what the person has said shows you've listened and understood, and can help clarify points you have not - It also helps by giving thinking time should you need it.
Clarify
If you do not understand clearly then say so - it will show them you're keen to get the details right, to understand, and that will help you to deliver better solutions and get more from the meeting.
Let them know you have heard them
Body language says a lot more than words and is a great way to let the speaker know you have heard them - Facial expressions speak volumes and a well-placed nod or tilt of the head can give them confidence in you and even help them open up a little more. Be attentive, look at them, not everywhere else but them - this means your phone of tablet or anything else.
Be patient and present
Concentrate on what the other person is saying, don't let your mind wander - listening intently takes effort and you certainly can't do it well when you're not fully present.
Don't let your mind wander
This is similar to concentrating and being present - Repeating what they say (silently) can help you stay focused in the moment rather than other things in life like what happened on the weekend or forming responses prior to hearing them out and understanding them.
Get the setting right
Find a quiet location without distractions for important conversations; a boardroom, corner of the office, a quiet table at a café, and turn off distractions like mobile phones, clear your desk and put yourself in the right environment - This will help keep you focused and will mean you'll have a better chance at a productive outcome.
I could write a post about each of these but wanted only to do a brief outline. With these things in play during the meeting each party is more likely to get the best out of it and, as I said above, in social situations they can also apply.
I have since reached out to the other person in that meeting, not the bad listener, and we have rescheduled. That third person/organisation is being replaced with someone else (who I hope knows how to listen) and we're keen to move this big-money contract forward for everyone's mutual gain. I'm certain an accord can be reached and things will work out for us but can't help but think of the revenue that person has cost himself and his organisation simply by being a poor listener.
Have you folks had similar situations or had meetings with poor listeners? Have you been a poor listener and learned how to do it well? What did it cost you and what brought the change? Feel free to comment on these things or anything at all really, I'll respond commensurate to the comment you leave.
Design and create your ideal life, tomorrow isn't promised - galenkp
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Image(s) in this post are my own
This is an important topic that many people miss in their day to day life as well. Being a professional myself, i have been to such situation many a times during my working day. Such interruption breaks the rhythm and spoil the all important discussion. unless and untill there are similar minds present such meeting gets wayward.
I think the problem is, many person try to over smart others assuming themselves as the master of knowledge, even though they are the jack of all trade but master of none. I can understand how you would be feeling due to a spoiled meeting only because of a single jerk....hopefully you will get a nice once sooner for all your business requirement....
I agree completely, people sometimes like to present themselves as smarter than others at the meeting and that often means they over-talk.
In the case I mention above, all looks like it'll work out, it's a massive opportunity with a a lot of zeros on the contract figure...it's looking good and that follow up meeting I mention set for next week so we'll know more then.
Going to be all good. 🥂 BTW what is your business or work all about ?
I'm a bit reluctant to speak about my job here, what I actually do, there's too many idiots out there who don't deserve that information.
🥂🥂🥂🙂
Everyone seems to think they know how to listen, yet many rarely do.
I still find myself getting distracted by what I want to say, especially if I disagree with what is being said.
I'm aware of it and keep trying to rein my thoughts back.
I've attended many meetings in my time, both in work and in my community. I've also been the Co ordinator for those meetings and had to remind others to listen more
I took part in some training as well where we had to do exercises in pairs and take turns actively listening and paraphrasing back, just like you said. This is a great way in which to help people listen and also help the other person feel heard.
It's crazy that in such an important meeting that person just jeopardised the whole contract because they wouldn't listen.
Great Post.
Hope you are doing good xxx
That's probably the most difficult part, reigning in the impulse to begin a response while the other person is still talking; I think most struggle with that. You're aware of it though and probably do a good job at doing it right mostly. Some are oblivious.
I've done a lot of training on business stuff and reading body language and active listening is right up there with the most valuable and two of the aspects that have helped me attain desired results; it's great you did some too and I'd say you have seen benefits yourself.
I agree, that chap was a total idiot...knowledgeable but on this particular situation it's not just about that, it's a collaboration and if one element won't listen to the others that element needs to be removed. The meeting was a debacle but the other fellow and I discussed on the phone and we've saved it I think...a new meeting is taking place next week and we'll push on.
I'm quite well to be honest, very busy but also very productive and that's what counts. I'm looking forward to the weekend and then next week I'll get some time off over the Christmas/New Year period in which I'll revel.
I hope you're great too, the solstice coming up soon, you have plans?
I'm a bit under the weather at the moment, but have been super busy with the olive harvest.
Going to be making sun's and bird feeders for the trees for Solstice with my kids and some of their friends. Then we'll have a feast and watch a movie together.
So I'm looking forward to that. Been invited to some friends on Xmas day which I might go to.
Really happy to hear you are doing well xxxx
I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling well and having to push on with things without the time to convalesce can make things more difficult. I hope you find some time for yourself.
It is nice reading this, and I do agree with the outlined points because it is applicable to life, too.
Just like reading this post, my response will determine if I had truly read and understood what is said, or I just skipped around.
Listening is very vital when communication is taking place... even when no one is communicating, listening helps us to understand so much(reflection), which is why the bathroom is usually a place where we get to have lots of words running through our minds.
This is very irritating. I can't be in the same room with someone who can't keep a balance between their mouth and ears. It is an unreasonable thing to do.
This helps the speaker to be sure they didn't just waste minutes or seconds of their time speaking.
This part signifies that communication has taken place.
It is always interesting to have conversations with people who have these qualities.
You've clearly had experiences with bad listeners, those who interject and talk over others...how have you handled it and what results did you gain when you
took action?
Yes, I have. The best way I handle them is to let them know what they are doing by showing an example. I take time to teach them and let them know the essence of communication.
It's good when people take those lessons on board, not so good when they don't.
Yeah, it's not so good if they don't.
While I don't disagree with anything you said here, the second and third ones are a lot harder that it actually seems. Let me lay out a scenario for you that I have found myself in multiple times. So I'm in a group conversation. Someone is talking and I have something of my own to say about the topic. I patiently wait my turn. Before I can say something, someone else starts talking. Then the conversation goes in a totally different direction with multiple other people jumping in. By the time it is done, I either never say what I wanted to say, or I say it and they look at me like I am an idiot because that topic was fifteen minutes ago and they aren't even able to remember talking about it. It's frustrating.
That's definitely one of the possibilities and when that happens I blame the person facilitating the meeting. Everyone should have their turn and it's up to the facilitator to ensure it. If everyone (in a group meeting) spoke up at the same time everyone would be talking at once and that's not going to lead to a good outcome.
It happens like that of course, but should not. The facilitator needs to control the evv and flow if the meeting, cover off on each element of discussion and allow each to talk if/when appropriate; it's not always easy to do this, but it's essential in large meetings with many attendees. Free for all meetings are rarely productive.
I get why you'd be frustrated, I would be too.
To be fair, a lot of the interactions that go that way are with my inlaws. It's more of a no holds barred thing!
Haha, like the MMA octagon; I get it. 😁
I once experienced a situation like that, when I was seriously presenting the results of a study, someone interrupted my conversation and everything went bad. Because the information I have prepared suddenly changes and disappears, there is a risk that errors will occur.
Since then I have learned to appreciate the speaker in front of me by listening more to what is being said and waiting for the right time to rebut or ask questions. Maybe this is the right way to get good results.
Maybe the tips you give can be very useful for me to apply to all my activities. Coincidentally, I also work in a public service and all your tips will be very useful for me to apply to the people I talk to at work. Thank you brother @galenkp, if we want other people to listen to what we talk about, then we also have to listen to what other people talk about.
That's one of the risks of a person interjecting, it can shift the entire focus of the conversation or people in the room and unless managed quickly and well can derail the communication process pretty quickly. You learned from it though, from someone else's mistakes, and I'm sure you've put those lessons to good use. Maybe, this post will give you a few tips you can take a way and use also.
I think it is not just annoying, but also disrespectful and rude.
I have a lot of experiences with meetings with a poor listener. One of my previous bosses was one. There were many examples of it as well. He will be on his phone most of the time, and would request a lot of things to be repeated. He would ask questions that have already been answered. I think he has high blood sugar, so he would sometimes get sleepy during a meeting. Sometimes he would be late, or go out of the room during a meeting, and have the ones above happen again.
Yep, disrespectful and rude too, which causes annoyance.
I think your experiences with that boss have given you a good bad-listener-radar and isn't it funny that sometimes people like that manage to work themselves into higher/management positions. It never makes sense.
Well, it seems he is a good listener and leader when his boss is around. I guess it is also being able to surround himself with good workers that help them get into higher positions. With management, I feel like it is how you deal with people instead of doing the actual work most of the time.
Management, (leadership) is exactly about dealing with, and getting the most from, people. ✅
Unfortunately in some occasions people assume that they have too much to say, and in this process lose the necessary context of listening, which is more effective and reduces unnecessary prolonged discussions because listen, understand, say, concludes things in minimal ways.
Yep, that's exactly right and it causes a roadblock to effective communication which can lead to ineffective results in business and personal situations.
Absolutely.
Dear friend, @galenkp in general nowadays people don't listen, and I'm not just talking about work meetings. You meet with friends and they neither listen nor pay attention to you, they are all the time either looking at their cell phone or with their eyes elsewhere. It may be a problem of education or the concerns they have that prevent them from observing and listening to the interlocutor.
I was a boss and when I met with my workers, some were attentive and others were not, some talked quietly among themselves and that irritated me, in the end the latter performed the tasks poorly. I agree with your views.
I always learn a lot from you. Thank you. My respectful regards.
I agree with you and feel it's because people are so distracted with so many different things, they find it difficult to focus which is what's required when one wants to listen to understand and to communicate effectively. I think it also stems from a breakdown in courtesy and manners.
You always seem to write about a subject that comes to me on a particular day.
Before your question .... I didn't listen yesterday, but in my case I didn't listen to myself and allowed myself to be dizzy, it doesn't usually happen to me but yesterday I fell. That brought bad consequences for me, but now I am standing up and learning a very important lesson in the face of something that had never happened to me before.
Every day I learn to listen better to others, because there is a lot to learn in that sense, for better or for worse.
The changes in me came from strong, very strong blows in life.
I had a meeting two days ago .... and yesterday and I was wrong. Time to learn and get stronger.
Thank you Galen!
What's the worst occassion in which you've seen someone fail to listen to others and how did the situation play out?
Sadly, I can tell you that the worst occasion cost that person his or her life. I asked my cousin for something and she didn't listen to me, and I asked her several times... that cost her her life this year and with my aunt the same thing is happening .... I hope that in this case the treatment will have an effect and she will recover. I wish it from the bottom of my heart.
Sadly, those things occur...and once they play out it's too late to listen.
Believe me I know... and whoever is left suffers.