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I never knew I had been a monster to my child. I feel pity for him that I became his mom. He doesn't deserve to be treated and to be disciplined this way. I should be the first person to love and understand him unconditionally.

If you are part of the millennials, you know how hard we are beaten, hit by our parents or guardian to be disciplined. My grandparents raised me and lived in our family house with other cousins, aunts, and uncles. As a child, I experienced all the consequences I could ever have with my wrongdoings. I was beaten by a belt, slipper, broomstick, hangers, haha, anything that I could think of. I just thought now how hardheaded am I back then to deserve those? My grandparents also grew in rigorous family backgrounds, and maybe they also got those traits from them. I also remember how my grandma shared stories of how mean and strict their parents were, perhaps because of the influence of their old cultures. By the way, it is not just me who our Mamang and Papang raised; they hoarded us from our parents. I grew up having a happy childhood with unforgettable moments with my cousins. There will be some favorite grandchild, but we have been like brothers and sisters to cover and protect each other from being punished.

I pity myself when I get punished and how I wish I were with my parents; maybe it wasn't that way if I had a mistake. But indeed, I love my grandparents, and I owe them my life. I never knew how I had become with their sermon. They are gone, and I have been missing them so much. It's been challenging and has a massive impact on losing them. They become our strength and the trusted people that we lean on.

As I am now a grown woman and raising my two kids, I think I brought the act of discipline I used to experience when I was a kid. Back then, I only had my eldest son, and he was so bright, intelligent, and so active. He always gave me flowers, even he got them just from the street as we walked by. Unfortunately, in return, I had little patience knowing how old he was. I over-limit my expectation with my kid, and every time he made a mistake or I got pissed, I spank him. Maybe I am just also tired of working at night then being a hands-on mom in the day. Working as a call center was excellent work, as I've thought. Because I think it's better working at night while he's sleeping and being at home in the day. At least he can see me around even I am half asleep. Yes, half-asleep, because at that time Nat's dad will leave at work in the day and only Nat and I will be left at home. I need to be still vigilant even I'm sleeping because he's an explorer on his age. He's very smart and understands me not to go outside or open the door when sleeping. I imagine how hard it was also for him that time. We move and start our own, and there is no TV to watch, just a phone without internet and his toys. He has been a very patient and loving kid, and his mom has been the opposite. Anyhow, As I miss time with him, I always make sure we have a bond date every day off. Weekly we go outside, eat outgo on the indoor playground and buy all the toys he wants. Because I thought those were enough. When someone approaches us, I am very proud and happy, and it amazes me how he speaks so clearly; he's just one y/o, as I remember. At that age, he already knows the alphabet; he sings Bahay Kubo and makes a conversation.

A realization hits me that I've been too much with him. Because I don't know, and maybe I am not just aware. I feel so drained with the stress of working at night and taking care of him during the day. One day while we were walking as we used to go out during my off, he hopped and slipped. He was very sorry to me. " mama, sorry, sorry, sorry". I just felt he was frightened and afraid. He looks so traumatized, and I am so aware of that time. He was continuos apologizing because he slipped, and it was not his fault. We stop, and I talk to him; it's okay. I hugged and carried him, and I felt terrible about myself. I was shaken and saw myself in what I had become and what I did to this little innocent kid. He must be loved and be protected, but I failed. I said to myself when I was younger, and I will never let my child experience what I had when I was a kid and that I was traumatized sometimes when being beaten. I never precisely knew when was the last time it happened, but I am thankful it stopped; I stopped it and because my son deserves to be loved and taken care of. It was a process and been a prayer. God knows how I regret it. I prayed to have infinite patience for my kids. I've been very patient with work to those customers shouting at the phone and cursing us. I've been very patient with those people that don't deserve it. But why not with my kids? He deserves it more than anyone else. He was the child I wanted even before. He was the child I prayed to have after I had a miscarriage. He's my child, the love of my life, and my everything.

Now, he's seven, and they are already two. He's still my baby, and he became really smart even in school. I love them both, and I am still praying to have more patience and always have them protected. It has been stressful with my work, and they know how I look when I don't need to be disturbed. He's a big brother and made sure to get his little bro when roaming around me when I am busy. Our youngest is very naughty and always wants to be around me when working. He wants to stay in my lap sometimes turn off my PC while working. I used to shout still, and I am working on that part because I have already rid of the spanking habit. I am not sure if it will be rid, haha, you know when you become a mother, they say you'll become a nagger. I love them to the moon and back, and I want what is best for them. As I've been guiding them with their milestones, they also teach me and become more assertive. When you become a mom, your life will revolve around your child, and they are the sun that gives us light.

How I was able to cope with this bad parenting behavior

1. If they were too naughty or committed mistakes, I walk out of the house for a while to calm myself. I will compose myself first before talking to them; this works for me.
2. I keep in mind that they are just a child. They commit mistakes as a normal kid. Even as adults, we make mistakes.
3. I also keep in mind that they deserve all my patience, nothing less.
4. They needed me; they needed guidance to be corrected. Not to be physically abused. Children's emotions are vulnerable.
5. I love them so much, and they are my world. My kids are the reason I work and strive harder. My plan and dreams now have changed; it's for their own dream to come true.

I hope to moms and new moms to have more patience and more love for our children. They will grow up someday, and we will notice we have missed a lot and from their childhood. They will be on their own, and they will no longer need us with their decisions in life. What we have shown them today will affect their relationship with us. It will be hard for us to understand them if they are aloof and afraid to open up. Please give them time and understand them. We may have a different way to discipline them, and I understand if some will raise eyebrows. Maybe this is just my perception as a mom. If there is someone that needs your love, attention, and patience is that is our children.

Just sharing a short video clip of us while enjoying the slide.

He looks so delighted with this video clip; my favorite giggles and smile. I was able to capture this as the staff prohibited him from sliding by himself. I allowed him to because he already knew the proper way to slide. The staff asked what his age and when I told them, they informed me that they wouldn't allow him to slide by himself. So this is how it was taken. I was already pregnant with Gab, so I told him we needed to go somewhere else because the baby on my tummy would be squish. What an understanding, Kuya; he just agreed, and we did this last slide together,

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