Creative Urges and Purges

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I woke up with an uncontrollable urge to practice guitar. It was a combination of genuine excitement for the progress I’ve made recently and the insecurity of decades wasted.

The older I get, the more I realize I’ve spent more of my life meandering than actually doing what I came here to do. I meander less and less, and I don’t waste any energy on regret, but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel it.

Of course there is nothing I can do about it now, what’s done is done, and I’m trying just to use that to make things right now. There’s also the faith that there are no mistakes in life and that everything is love either way… but I still feel it.

I feel the urge to practice until my fingers bleed to make up for the 20 years I was lazy about it. I also feel the soft gentle reminder that it’s not too late.

I spent the last 2 weeks practicing the major scale, all 5 patterns and the most typical sliding version. I got my speed up to 120 BPM on the weakest scale shape and 160 on the rest (2 notes per beat).

Now I’m practicing drills where I go forward 2 notes and back one, which is way more difficult than just a regular scale drill. I imagine once I learn a few of these and get them up to a faster BPM, I’ll find jamming a lot easier.

I always wanted to make music like a childlike wonder and music theory seemed to contradict that, but now that I’ve made a few songs and I want to start jamming on stage, I feel my childlike wonder gazing at the ability to move easily across the entire fretboard.

I also feel curious about chord structures and playing piano and scales on piano as well.

It’s backlog anxiety but for guitar and music skills.

I was going to do another music livestream today but I felt it was more important for me to get familiar with some of what I was playing last time so I can build on what I played last time next time. I’d like each livestream to have a leveling up effect and just like attending a class, you get the most out of it if you review your notes.

I figure if I have 3 or 4 base riffs to build jams around it’ll be easy to perform a show that is half unprepared improvisation which is my goal right now.

I hope to have a show at the end of April, if for no other reason than to get back into the mode of playing music live and trying out these new ideas. I don’t think I’ll try to gather a huge crowd, just enough to let the venue know I tried.

All the drilling has had the side benefit of stretching out the connective tissue of my hands which has improved blood flow through my arms. It’s almost as if my fingers were rotting because I hadn’t done with them what I had been tasked with coming to this earth.

I even had the ridiculous idea to start practicing drills with my left hand even though I am right handed and have no intention of playing left handed, I just wanted to work the muscles of my other hand.

Another reason I didn’t do a livestream today is that I am not sure anyone would watch and I’m trying not to get too tied up in wanting people to pay attention to what I’m doing and just make stuff.

I want to trust that if I start living my purpose that the people who could be moved by my work will find it naturally if I just share it naturally rather than strategizing.

In any case, you can always find all the links to my work at linktree

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