I bought Alpaca Socks and Fell In Love

Photo by Raspopova Marina on Unsplash

There are times in your life when you know you’ll never be the same again. When you know you can’t go backwards. “Before and after” moments. Turning points. Rights of passage. Thresholds. Page turns.

The day I met Artemis Velvet was one of them.

Okay, I don’t know if that was her name. But shut up, this is my story.

At a farm festival neighboring Oktoberfest in West Virginia recently, I spotted some alpacas relaxing in a pen in the corner. The friendly looking creatures resemble mini llamas, but cuter. They have shorter ears and a smooshed in face compared to llamas. Like I said — cuter.

They relaxed in a small pen next to a vendor selling various scarves, socks, sweaters, etc. Upon further inspection I saw that the garments were all alpaca products.

Well, I’ll be an alpaca dingleberry. How about that? I was today years old when I learned alpacas have wool from the angels themselves.

I strolled past the pen where the two alpacas were hanging out, chewing on some hay, mostly with their backs turned to the meandering crowd. Artemis Velvet and I made eye contact, and she hummed pleasantly to me.

Yes, alpacas hum. One little hum from Artemis Velvet was all I needed. Her siren song beckoned and I knew I needed her on my feet. Apparently they hum when they’re curious, interested, content, worried, bored, distressed, or cautious. Hey, I do the same thing with whistling. Seriously.

Anyway, these celestial ruminants are far superior to their larger cousin, the llama. They are smaller, more timid and gentle, and have a luxurious fleece.

In fact, all it took was one atom of my being touching one thread of that glorious alpaca fabric and I was hooked.

I need not the fabric of the angels, but the fabric made from this heavenly ungulate.

As it turns out, alpaca wool is highly sought-after for the myriad reasons I’m about to tell you.

Fasten your safety belt for an exciting ride.

Alpaca fiber is a lot like sheep’s wool, except softer, warmer, and less itchy. Huacaya alpaca wool is as soft as a cloud, moisture wicking, and warmer than goose down.

I guess that’s all the reasons, but those are enough.

Still, maybe I should have asked if they make underpants out of it. I can’t imagine the joy of having that heavenly alpaca fleece nestling my privates.

My fascination with wool garments began several years ago when my friends and I prepared to backpack some of the Appalachian Trail. After that trip I knew I could never go back to cotton socks. The sheep's wool socks I bought were upwards of $20-$30/pair, but they were worth every penny. Some 5-years later, a few of the brands that took the trek with me are still in service.

As much as I love them, my heart now belongs to Artemis Velvet and her sublime hypoallergenic textile. Armani even uses Suri alpaca fiber to make suits! Why wasn’t I notified? I could buy at least one with the massive earnings from this magnificent, hosiery-based literary masterpiece.

Alas, it is likely that I’ll be stuck with the socks, which still cost a solid $28.

In addition to growing the fiber of the gods, alpacas are also good for other things. Alpacas are gentle, friendly, and easy to train. They’re also being used as “therapy animals” in some locations, as they make lovely hiking partners and bedside companions in healthcare facilities and retirement homes.

Bonus fact: they always poop in the same place. Wait until I tell my wife that Artemis Velvet will be moving in as soon as the cats die!

I hope you enjoyed taking this journey with me and learned some interesting things about alpacas. I know I did. :)