About three weeks ago I devoted myself to writing every week. I pulled it off two weeks in a row, but I have to conclude that I had been too ambitious...
The treatment for my eating disorder started last Monday, which means I have to be at the treatment center every Monday, Tuesday, and Friday. The treatment center is located in Zutphen, which is about a one-hour drive from Enschede. Now you might think "Oh, but then you have so much spare time left". Well, I thought so too... But I might have underestimated how much (emotional) energy it takes to just be present here.
Monday
It was my first day of the treatment. I left the hospital at the beginning of May and since then I've been home, trying my best. An eating disorder takes up a lot of brain space, and therefore energy, so I only meet up with people when I feel like I have the energy for it (which is not that often). It kind of feels like I have to get used to people again now that I have to be somewhere three times a week. Don't get me wrong, the people at the treatment center are super kind, but I wouldn't voluntarily choose to be around them. Also, I still suffer from brain fog a lot, which often makes it hard to be social. I know that I need this treatment and I know that everything will get better, but the first day was just exhausting.
Anyhow, this day was mostly about just being present and processing all the information that they gave us.
Tuesday
The second day of therapy already felt more 'normal', even though I was still pretty tired from the day before. We have a group therapy session every Tuesday, which gives us a little more insight into what the others are going through. This group session is only once a week, which in my opinion is a shame. Not only because of the recognition we get from each other, but also because others' behavior can be a mirror for our own patterns.
After every therapy block we have some free time, which we are allowed to spend as we like. The weather in the Netherlands is still nice (yes, I'm as shocked as you are), so whenever I get the opportunity I like to go outside and enjoy it. There are many benches placed around the building, but I always pick the one that's further away from the crowd. This allows me to get some rest and recharge for the next session.
Wednesday
I didn't make any plans on Wednesday, because I knew I would be tired from the previous days. Wednesdays and Thursdays are probably going to be cleaning and grocery shopping days from now on since I want the weekends to be free for fun things or relaxing.
It both fascinates and frustrates me how people can plan things after work or school, like going to the gym or hanging out with friends. For as long as I can remember, my social battery is below empty after a day spend outside of my house. Because of that, it always feels like I have less time than others and really have to plan the things that need to be done. It's probably something I have to accept, but even talking about it now makes me feel like I fail normal life.
Thursday
I've lost a lot of weight since the beginning of January. I've gained a few kilograms back in the last couple of months, but there's still a long way to go. Gaining weight, especially in the case of anorexia nervosa, is an important part of recovery. The human mind can think more clearly when the body is at a healthy weight (whatever that may be), so that's why they focus on weight restoration and our food patterns as well, especially at the beginning of recovery.
I guess gaining weight isn't fun for anyone. But when you have a love for clothing, things get a little more complicated, lol. Now I'm sure I'm making things bigger than they are, but I'm afraid that nothing in my closet will fit me anymore once I'm at my healthy weight. From experience, I know that's not true. But every time I order clothes now, I want to be 100% sure that they will fit me later on in my journey. That's why I like to order pieces that aren't too tight, like dresses or oversized t-shirts. That way, I'm sure it will fit me in the long term, plus it makes me less aware of my body.
This dress was delivered a few weeks ago. At the moment it's a very oversized dress for me, but it allows me to grow and I'm sure it will still fit me later on. I haven't worn it yet, but I think it will look really good with the sneakers from my previous post. There's another dress on the way which I'm very excited about. I hope I'm able to show it to you next week!
Friday
On Friday I had the first appointment with the head practitioner. We will be having sessions every week, in which we're going to dive inside my head and figure out why I need control over food so much. Hopefully, these sessions will give me more insight into the 'why' and 'how'. As I said, I still suffer from brain fog, but luckily the therapists here are very aware of that and my practitioner and I agreed on slowly working through everything.
After I started therapy last week, I was still indecisive about going impatient or not. I told the head practitioner about my doubts, but we concluded that I'm mostly just scared and that I'm going to start inpatient treatment anyway. This will be in about one or two weeks. Not the most fun thing to look out for...
Saturday
@rubencress and I had planned to go visit his dad. It was my first time meeting him, so I was both curious and nervous. He promised to cook Indonesian food for dinner. Ruben already told me that he used to make "the best pork belly", so the bar was set high. He wasn't wrong though. His father made us different kinds of dishes, like coconut rice, vegetables, egg, chicken satay, etc. They all tasted great! After dinner, we sat outside, had a chat, and left when it already was dark outside.
Sunday
Now that I've something to do during the week, I enjoy my free time during the weekend more. Ruben and I both slept in and hadn't made any plans for the day. Luckily. Because being social the day before took its toll on me. I woke up grumpy and with a headache. I just wasn't feeling well, so I mostly lay on the couch watching some documentaries on Netflix.
As a present for my birthday last year, Ruben gifted me a milk frother. Due to me getting sick, it ended up in the back of a cupboard. But since I'm back from the hospital, I've been using it almost every day. I drink coffee multiple times a day, but because of the heat, I like to swap my regular black coffee for an iced coffee with frothed cold milk. Yum! After dinner I treated myself to one and went to bed not much later.
I hope you enjoyed reading. See you next week!
Lots of love,
Dymph
Much respect for your Dymph. I know how it feels when your social battery is always low. That goes for me, and also for my partner. I don't have a steady job because I can't handle it. That's something I always knew, tried anyway. There 'failed', and what we have now accepted. I have found other ways to 'create' my own job. My partner does have a steady job, but that's exactly why we hardly ever go out, we don't visit friends after work, we don't go out after work, and we hardly ever go out together on the weekends. Simply because he needs to recharge his batteries and have some free time to do his hobbies. He also says the same as you: "I don't have time". The only reason he keeps his job is that we need it financially. But a social life is completely lacking ... precisely because of that job.
And that you think you're a failure... Listen to @rubencress, you're not a failure. Everyone has their own and different qualities. I am convinced that your qualities, just like mine, do not lie in walking in the crowd with a 9 to 5 job. Doesn't matter, there are other options.
I'll just keep telling you, here, at home, wherever; It is impossible to fail in life, even at times when we think and feel that we fail. Failure leads to success and growth. Without failure, there is none of that. All that stands in the way, is time. So, let's give it some time, and I'll be more than sure that you see you're actually in the midst of succeeding :))
❤️
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