Socializing

Discovering the outside world....

Since I decided to start revamping and reinvent myself, I thought about socializing & making new connections. I suck at this. I know that I am not always going to meet a good person but at least, I will learn how to navigate myself when meeting with bad apples. People say this world is scary, sometimes I would like to think otherwise. It is not scary when you know how to navigate yourself in it. I have read too many articles, books and essays on making connection yet I have not successfully practicing them. I was still having a shut in tendency and proud.

The thought of going outside was always dreadful. With my pre-existing condition, I found that I was no good at having filters, I either tell someone too much or too little. Not only that, I sometimes say inappropriate things or making a bad joke. I know some, who likes me just the way I am but generally, people don't. I avoid social interaction in fear of I hurt people than to actually making them joy. There are also many minor reasons including how I don't want to bring anyone into my messy life. I don't think my life is something one can understand or chew instantly. Even someone who has known me for so long, still don't understand some aspects of my life. For that reason, being a shut in did not help me get better.

Though, I am also a walking contradiction. I am able to travel occasionally when I cut loose all my fears. I talk to strangers, make new friends, exploring the outside world but rather frantically. Then I find myself once again not able to form a long-lasting friendship and sometimes ended up in a wrong place. I just wish there was a healthy balance to this. But thus far, I am still finding myself on the extremes.

I did not mind with the pandemic. My life did not change at all but lately, I needed a new entertainment, novelty and inspiration. Staying in my prison-like room has been feeling so suffocating. So, I decided to try something new, whether I can seek novelties and inspiration from outside. My first attempt of leaving my room was two days ago. I went to a small cafe a bit farther from where I live.

I went alone and tried not to get anxious. I could not find any outfit that fits me or even look good on me. Then, I realized participating in the outside world would mean, I need to take care of my appearance again. Though it is one of the thing I despise from the society but in order to participate, I will have to follow their rules and the games.

A few minutes in the cafe. I started to get a little panic because I left my mouse home. I also felt uneasy because there were some people around me. 10 or less people are already too much especially if they are not people who I am familiar with. I put off my glasses to be more oblivious about my surrounding.

Next 20 minutes, I felt like I was choking. I started finding it hard to breathe. I got more anxious even before I had my coffee. Luckily, I was prepared. I got my medication with me to ease my anxiety. But it couldn't be helped. I was still anxious.

I told myself, " it's okay. You will do better next time." At least, I got to eat a decent spicy tuna (not spicy at all) with a cup of macchiato. I felt like it was the highlight of my day. But yeah, I came home with lower energy than I was. Not to mention, a huge load of laundry.

I plan on going outside at least once a week. Trying a new place, maybe just a place where its food I tried but from home. Maybe I can save up and do it biweekly since that would give me more time to explore more places than just a place. I am also trying to keep giving myself reward or something to look up to, otherwise, I see no point in living the life.

I know that it's going to be a work being back to society and finding healthy balance. Kind of hoping that I will be much better than I ever was. I am also hoping to stop thinking, what I had then was better.

~ Mac