I will be leaving Lagos, Nigeria, tomorrow for the longest journey I have taken since 2018. I dread being on the road for 12 to 14 hours. When I was younger and more adventurous, this would most likely have been exciting. I traveled extensively when I was younger. I traveled a lot in my early and mid-20s, but now, aside from being exhausted, I am just too cowardly to do some of the things I used to enjoy. Maybe my sapped energy is due to depression, or it could be due to my health situation; I can not tell the difference, but I know I have only been feeling tired and exhausted since I lost my brother.
I just do not want to think that my health problems began in September; that would be too coincidental. Nowadays, I prefer my space, the comfort of my own home; alone, reflecting on the pain and suffering of the past, and how I have come to this place of anguish. What I could have done differently, who I could have become if I had not been so careless and carefree with so many things. I no longer enjoy traveling, going out, chatting, or simply hanging out. I am tired of it all; the joy I used to get from it is gone, and every attempt to get out of this mental state has failed.
I have not been half the man I once was, and the shock has kept me grounded. The shock of having to lose everything and everyone. It is like being in a beautiful world but unable to relate to anything. However, I am wary of traveling for another reason. I have been on medication for about a month and need to run some tests to see how it is working, and traveling while on such a delicate medication is not ideal. I have no option. If it were up to me. I just want to be left alone; I am tired of the never-ending rat race, commitment, and life battles.
I just want to stay in my corner, but no matter how tired I am, I want to keep going. It is like I want to hibernate, but I also want to recover from all of this mess. Life has no advocate, and no one can represent you better than you can. I have taken on a lot of responsibility because I have been far too careless my entire life, which has cost me a lot. When things spiral out of control, I believe there is little that can be done. Life becomes more frustrating when you realize you could have done better. For family, health, and a responsible lifestyle. That is what haunts me the most. Knowing I could have done better within my abilities, and now it feels too much to handle.
Regret haunts people..
.....and it is difficult to understand if you have not experienced the severe consequences of carelessness and the accompanying burden of regrets. I used to believe I was mentally strong. I have gotten through some of the most difficult times in my life, and now I can not seem to shake all of the pain and suffering that I am currently experiencing. It is been nearly six months, and I am still reliving everything that has happened during that time. It is been a never-ending torture.
I went to bed with a lump in my throat and awoke at midnight with the realization that my life had changed and that I could have done better. It has been difficult to continue or go on. I can not even cook some days; going to the market is excruciating, feeding is uncomfortable, and everything loses flavor and color.
I probably underestimated the consequences of my carelessness. However, no one can turn back time, which is why I am unable to let go. Even when I try to change many things. Sometimes I get the impression that it is too late. This creates a sense of hopelessness. It is like wanting to catch snow in the summer.
I have done a lot of advocating for myself.
Some of the people I know do not understand how it feels to be depressed. It is new to them, and sometimes you have to explain what it looks like and what it appears to be, even if 70% of the time they will not understand. I remembered a friend of mine paying me a visit in December, but I was out shopping. He called me endlessly, but I did not even want to pick up the phone; it was not because I did not want to; I just could not function at that level to interact; my negativity would mostly reflect in the conversation, and I did not think he deserved that.
Even after days of explaining, he still did not understand. However, this is the reality of life. The more unusual your pain, the more isolated you become, because no one can ever relate. Having common problems is the only way to avoid depression because everyone understands how a common problem feels. However, there are some pains that you cannot explain; they are strangely inexpressible and simply eat you up like a knife through butter. It gets scarier as your voice sinks deeper the more you try to get out of it. It is like a negative piece of art.
Depression itself is a form of art.
It happens in unique ways, and to the average person, it is always underestimated. I do not know where I will get the physical energy to keep competing. I am asking God for spiritual strength, and I am hoping that this will translate into physical strength. Because they are typically unnatural and lack depth, benign and shallow words of comfort frequently cause the most harm.
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The thing about getting depressed is that on the surface, you look fine. And that’s the problem people have with understanding it. They’re finding it difficult to look past the facade you’ve put up behind the suffering you’re telling them you’re going through.
Man, where are you traveling to tomorrow?
Health-wise, depression-wise. I look okay on the surface, but I'm not. The first misunderstanding comes directly from my extended family. All they see is a a person who is okay, even with all my attempts in explaining what's going on.
Eastern Nigeria. I have an inevitable commitment I need to handle.
Yeah man, it’s especially difficult to explain these types of things to the old. Depression was not really considered a thing in their era, so I don’t really blame them sometimes. I just wish they evolved with us.
Alright. Try to have a bit of fun when you go. I know you’re tired and stressed out, but still. Problem no dey finish.
I probably don't have that level of energy to just fight all the hurdles. However, doing life while depressed is inevitable. No one can relate, and the bitter thing is that you can even use it as an excuse.
As for my traveling. I wish I didn't. It's a long journey by road and it just irks me.
It's always difficult to handle depression and no one can understand exactly how you feel no matter how you explain to others. Lump in your throat again? I really hope you regain your health From all the difficulties. I also hope that the travel wouldn't exact much pressure on you
Safe trip big Joe
Thank you, for your well wishes and support thus far. The lump in my throat I mean is literal. Thank you for care as well. As for the journey. It's not something I really want to do
I completely understand. I used to travel a lot and now the prospect of a long trip is no longer an adventure like it used to be. We all have things we would like to have done better, but the past is the past even though letting it go isn't always all that easy. I get it completely!
I have a friend who always wants to go out and I just don't feel up to it much. I tend to avoid talking with him too. Depression sucks... People who haven't truly been there before just won't ever really get it. Being in poor health just like you I do get it all too well.
Where are you heading on your journey?
I remembered in my late 20s I really enjoyed exploring and traveling. It felt good, life was good. It's just surprising how I don't even feel like doing it anymore. I do avoid those friends who wants to go out too. Like you said, they'll never truly understand. No one truly understands, unless they see it from their point of view.
I'm heading to the east for an important commitment, I should be back by Sunday.
Hopefully it will be better than you anticipate. Sometimes things I don't look forward too turn out better than I thought. I hope this is one of those for you.
I used to think that mental illness was far from me also but I had a rethink when it hit me. Mine hit me during crossover and it started with a single thought and then then followed were some acknowledgement of that thought. Till now, the thoughts still hunts me.
I truly do not know how you feel but what take your time, stay in your corner, self heal but don't shut the world out. I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your brother my condolences.
It will get better.
Keep being you
Yes, even I think it was far from me and I was formidable. I guess everyone eventually learns or gets to come in contact with it, it might only happen at different times in the lives of different people.
Yes boss.
But what really matters is how you handle it and how you come from it. You either make it build you or let it destroy you.
Safe travels tomorrow. Bring okpa 😊😊😊
Ah!😳 Sorry for your lost. I was just wondering how you could be depressed when everyone is excited because of the bull run.
Yes. Of course, everyone is excited about the bull run
I love the part where you said no matter how tired you are, you want to keep going.
That’s the kind of mentality I want you to have
I like that!
I love it too, thank you
Hello friend I am very moved by part of your story depression is a difficult feeling to overcome the internal struggle and the emptiness you have is a very heavy burden and look I understand you perfectly because I have walked there, I do not know if you believe in God the only one who can help you out of the abyss where you are stuck let him your burden trust him I recommend it God always comes in time when you are most desperate give you the opportunity to enter your life
Blessings 💚❤️
Depression is indeed often underestimated as its effect is felt more inwardly than seen outwardly. Many people have the surface level appearance that they're okay because communicating what's going on inside is quite hard if not impossible, since there isn't any bridge to facilitate that. Sometimes, I do wish that I can just disappear for awhile, unwind and just be. But life stops for nobody and keeps throwing those punches.