Showing Up and Finding Balance

Looking for my happiness in others, is not always a bad idea.

There are so many advices out there that says we should rely on ourselves to find happiness. Because happiness is always within us—something internal. But what if the deeper I dive into my mind, the gloomier the day becomes?

I never imagined myself thinking about looking for my happiness in someone else, but here I am. I used to say that it’s all about mindset. If my inner self is content, then it doesn’t matter how my external world is going. But I’ve to admit that for the past few weeks, maybe almost a month, I never really felt content inside.

I have been constantly feeling down for the entire month and the last few days of April felt so flat. Waking up feeling completely unexcited and going to bed feeling tired that felt like a thousand hours of sleep would never help. But my mom’s bday is on the last day of the month, April 30th. So I bought her donuts, with magic candles, and a “happy birthday” topper. It’s not much or special, but I haven’t done that since I was in my junior high school era.

I recently read “Little Women” by Louisa May Alcott, where Amy—the youngest sister, mentioned something like “I don’t want to be selfish, I want to do something for other people”. To be honest, my brain is still cloudy, so doing something for other people is the last thing I want to do. But I want to be like little Amy. I want to find a balance between prioritizing my self and doing small things for others.

Surprisingly, it felt good. My youngest sister also had a bday in early May, so we have two little celebrations for the week. By that, I mean we just ate together as a family. Still quoting from “Little Women” when one of the character say something like “...genuine happiness can be had in a plain little house, where the daily bread is earned, and some privations give sweetness to the few pleasures." it hits immediately. Maybe life exactly that simple.

Another thing is that, I come to my other friends. A friend who always felt like a safety place. We met to try the affordable grilled food with seating on the side of the road. With her, I know I could talk about anything. I even told her what I thought was bad news, casually. There's no pressure nor walls blocking the conversation—not that I give myself away completely, but to me the level of trust really comes into play.

Another friend is someone who willingly do mundane things on a daily basis, like a morning walk. I tried to get back to running track, but only to walk—to get one step at a time. We jogged together every 3 days or so. I ask her to go to one of my favorite café that she had never been to, and she took me to eat in a place I never thought I would try. Just like that, the cloud is slowly disappearing, little by little, day by day.

when I’m feeling down, I don’t want to be around other people. I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember. I can avoid socializing for quite some time. Isolating my self and overanalyzing my situation. Maybe I’ll still be like that in the future, but for now, I’m going to try to showing up even when I’m feeling like a crap, and try to finding balance to be content with myself but also having space for others. Thankyou for reading, have a great day!