Transmuting the internal tyranny

Yesterday was a strange one for me. I thought I'd do a quick video to include in the #Hiveopenmic community for a bit of light hearted sharing. What actually happened left me feeling stunned, confused and heading to the shop - with red puffy, eyes - for crisps.

To back up and give some context, I was a late starter when I decided to write songs, sing and play guitar. I was nearly 30. But I was very tenacious and focussed and I did it. I played festivals, did support for well established, local artists, released recordings, had radio play of my recordings, played live on radio and was asked to sing on other artists recordings. I even got an Honours in Musical Theatre Grade 6, having never done any of the other grades and not particularly rehearsing much for the exam. My teacher would tell me I should choreograph a performance and I told her I was too embarrassed to do it in front of her so I made it up on the day.

This was all pretty astounding when I think that in school, panic would rise every time I had to say "present" when the teacher called my name in class.

There was always the internal cheer squad telling me my voice was no good, my guitar playing was crap and my songs were boring and then add to that the need for promotional photographs and the analysing of every pore on my face to see which images were acceptable to put out there in the fickle world of "music business".

After a couple of difficult personal situations I no longer had the energy to maintain the image. And not surprisingly really, a lot of my music friends didn't have the capacity to be around the real me who was grieving and in pain. So I parted ways with them and music.

I have done tiny bits and pieces here and there but as far as I was concerned it had run it's course and I didn't like the structures in which music was contained and controlled.

ALL of this came up yesterday when the beautiful @clareartista suggested we offer our talents to the open mic. I spent all day trying to record my own songs and I couldn't bear the results. All the old feelings of self loathing and lack of value came up.

As the roller coaster continued through the day I pondered why I even thought to play music in the first place. But more than that I wondered when music became a business and took on the current form which includes "selling" yourself and your art.

Surely singers, songwriters, musicians, poets, storytellers, painters, dancers and so on used to provide a wonderful service for their community in offering a cathartic outlet to express feelings, sense making around events, uplift, joy and a weaving together, acceptance and integration of all that was. Were they not the original mental health service? And when I say "they", yes perhaps some have more aptitude for the arts but doesn't everyone have the right and indeed need to express themselves through voice, colour, movement. Are these the methods we were given to allow energy to move through us as living beings and is the prevention of that, the stuck energy, what we refer to as "trauma"?

I don't know when art and music began to be owned and copyrighted. It was sometime after cave art! But perhaps in the times we are living in it is right to return art, music and creativity to Women, Men, Gaia. It's a gift. Creativity is a gift and it seems to me gifts are given not owned and certainly not used to build a corrupt and superficial industry around.

With that in mind I'm sharing the video I recorded for the open mic. I don't like it. It was recorded at the end of tricky day. But that's just the truth of it. And I feel I want to embrace that quality in my creativity. If you are still reading, thank you. I offer this post as a gift.

Blessings to you ❤️