Two Months of a Fever Dream

Life has been weird for the last couple of months. I haven’t been very consistent with writing to begin with, but recently life became even more hectic than it was before (and I thought it was impossible), so I kind of disappeared and stopped posting here. Not because I didn’t want to, in fact, everyday I had the itch to write something, but every time it was the same issue: I don’t have anything to write about.

Thinking back, it wasn’t necessarily having nothing to write about, but more being too exhausted and emotionally worn down to even think about anything. But the itch is still there and I want to make a promise to myself to continue writing, because it is fun and it’s something that helps organise thoughts. And for the last few months I have definitely needed that. I guess, with this one I’ll make a very brief update on what happened within the last two months and what I plan to do next.

Since my last post, which I wrote as I was on a plane back to Russia from my almost 2 month stay in Armenia, a lot has happened. I should say that the adventures started even before that flight: I had to fly one week after the initial return date, because a couple of hours before my flight I came down with something (which was probably food poisoning), and I had to miss it and book another one a week later. To call it a waste of money is an understatement. “Why go back at all?”— you may ask. Well…I was quitting my job and it was the last few weeks I had to work there and I was required to be at the office. Quitting was definitely one of the hardest decisions I had to make. I really liked the job and the projects I worked on. The team was great, even working from the office with occasional remote weeks would’ve worked, but some of the issues weren’t being solved and no matter how much I wanted to continue, my health was now being put at risk and I couldn’t continue anymore. Too much stress and emotion was being wasted, too much time spent on something that realistically doesn’t really matter — it’s just a job at the end of the day. It wasn’t harming just me, but my relationships with people I care about — I couldn’t spend enough time and give enough attention to them, because work took most of it. Even having lunch was impossible without being on the phone and answering work-related messages.

I was lucky enough that around the time I started thinking about quitting, a new opportunity appeared. It all fell into place, day by day I became even more certain about my choice, especially since the treatment of me and my coworkers became worse and worse and the management wouldn’t do anything about it, despite us voicing our concerns multiple times throughout the year. I didn’t have to leave into nowhere without a plan B, and it made the decision to quit a bit easier. Before my flight to Russia, I signed my resignation and in a month I would be free.
I spent barely two weeks in Russia, all of it in constant motion trying to cramp every plan into such a short time — I was returning to Armenia without a certain idea of when I would be back. Work routine, work events, meeting friends, spending time with family — I didn’t have time to even blink and I was already back in Armenia. It was bittersweet in the beginning. I didn’t get to spend time properly with my parents and my sister. When I met my friends I was certain I would be back soon-ish, but it’s been two months now and I don’t know how soon I’ll meet them again. I do miss them, but I know I can return anytime and I still have so much to do here, and that gives hope and motivation. For the first time in my life I am spending quality time with the side of my extended family whom I would only see for a week or two a year, if not less. It’s been a wonderful chance to get to learn this part of my life more, learn about them, who they are, how they live, what they do and don’t like. For the first time in 27 years I am spending a lot of time with my grandfather, and I never knew it would be so much fun. Having lost two grandparents already, it is nice to learn about my grandfather’s childhood, ask him questions about the past, how things were, what he thinks about how things are now. These experiences teach a lot of valuable lessons, I think.

And I can’t be too upset about returning — at least the weather in Armenia is much better and I don’t have to worry about accidentally slipping on ice and dying every time I go to work or to buy groceries.

Anyway, the motion never stopped. Almost immediately after I returned, just as I unpacked my stuff, another adventure — an impromptu trip to Georgia. Again, with no idea how long it would last. Let’s just say, it lasted a bit too long, longer than I would like it to. It was still very fun, but definitely an experience that halved my social battery. We stayed with my relatives in the countryside and contrary to what I believed, life there was not quiet and slow. Within the ten days I was there, three cows were born, a herd of sheep was let out to get water and one of the lambs almost got hit by a car, we got invited to a random birthday party, visited random neighbours I have never met in my life, had baked potatoes in a small stone shed, and had to endure the presence of the most misbehaved child I have ever seen. Shortly, it was a lot. Don’t get me wrong, the trip had some really fun moments. We went to the mountains, spent time with family and got to know them a bit better, played with the local dogs, had delicious food, made cheese and fed calves! But it was so chaotic, that when we returned home, it almost felt like that entire experience was a fever dream.

We were looking for a calm, peaceful week, when we could relax and refill our emotional and mental resources. My mother planned to visit us soon, so we wanted to be prepared. One day she called and asked to be home on Saturday, because she sent a ‘package’ and we needed to take the delivery. Completely oblivious, I genuinely thought it was a package. But I forgot that my family likes pranks. The ‘package’ was my sister and her fiancé visiting us too a couple of days before my mum’s arrival. I was really happy and surprised to see them, don’t get me wrong. We had lots of fun, I definitely missed spending time with them. But I had to juggle that with my new job that I just started and it required a lot of attention and focus, since I just started on the projects. Yet again, a very chaotic week and a half.

Ever since I came back home every day almost felt like a constant sprint, trying to get way too many things done in a very small amount of time. After my family left, I could feel the emptiness growing, every noise around me would make me irritated to the point when I couldn’t even eat if there was noise around me. After almost two months of running, I want to stop and breathe for a moment. I don’t know if I will be able to, because sometimes I feel like it’s in my nature to always run until I exhaust myself and can no more. The circumstances also won’t allow me to relax completely, I’m afraid. I am still new to the job, and although I am doing well, there’s still a lot to learn and adapt to before I become more natural in it. I still have to figure out what I am doing next regarding my future and sometimes it feels like time is working against me. Sometimes I feel lost, with one problem solved another resurfaces, making you always run and run and run. But maybe that’s just how life is. And if it is, between those sprints I’ll try to fit in moments when I can take a breath, focus on what I can do right now, take a step back and enjoy the silence, before running forward again.