A Class Reunion Invite Came and I'm Making Up an Excuse Not to Go

A message from facebook batch X mentioned an upcoming reunion. Now I'm supposed to be flooded with good memories here but I can't seem to grasp those happy times until I think hard enough.

Just a story about how the educational system fucked me over and it helped me manage my expectations during competitions. To the teachers that screwed me over, for the times a student came to you again and thanked you for it, estimate the total number of students that didn't come back.

There was an editorial cartooning contest as school and I won 1st just by doodling some random shit. I asked how I won but it wasn't hard to figure out the answer as I was the only one who did the assignment write. This was back in highschool when anime style was popular and I asked why the hell would these people use an anime style of drawing on editorial cartooning?

Those exposures to American caricature and cartoons helped me a lot in my doodles. I wasn't gunning to win, I just needed the extra points for extra curricular activities but there in was. This mean getting to represent for the same contest at a higher division so extra post class study sessions at cartooning were done.

Like a natural coach, she's point out the flaws on my shading, concept, and everything pertaining to editorial cartooning and I just have to take it all in wishing I was somewhere else playing or reading a damn book. I noticed that the more I followed her instructions, the lesser I see my own style on the pieces and it just doesn't look good anymore. The traits that made my art work during the contest were replaced.

I should've picked up this red flag but there's another cartoonist doing some practice sessions with me under the label, just in case I drop we got a backup for the contest.

On the day of the competition, I got told by the substitute teacher I shouldn't be the one registering for the contest because another representative was handpicked by the instructor. This was a piece of news considering nobody told me I was replaced the day prior. She didn't say it straight to my face but had someone else do the dirty work for her. I got nothing against the other representative chosen. They're skilled at drawing and learned how not to draw anime just in time for the contest.

Weeks of trying to get better at cartooning and studying general news went down the drain. I got replaced by her favorite student. And it leads me back to the first encounter, maybe this was just really about me correcting her after screwing up the meaning behind "stingy" on one of her English tests. It's another episode where student proves teacher wrong and there's a dictionary to witness.

Of course, the only apology I got from the instructor was a half-baked one claiming she thought she mentioned the sudden replacement but at least she said if I win the contest during the preliminaries again, she might, and she repeat, she might consider sending me as a representative next time for next year.

While trying to publicly apologize in class, she made it fairly clear than she's qualified to judge to fits well as a representative because her favorites cartoonist that draws anime style was the better and she knows this because she can draw better than me. She said she's not trying to brag but her works got published to local newspapers for commissions once in a while. I was absorbing the scene and etching this into memory processing that she was giving this speech because she wanted to apologize for throwing me out.

I didn't bother the next year.

It's no different from the time I got chosen as a representative of some quiz bee which I had to sacrifice play time after school. For a few weeks during weekdays and weekends, I was convinced and pressured to win because I'm the only representative for X contest but it turns out they read the guidelines wrong and it only required a minimum of one representative to a max of 3.

Well it didn't change anything except for more representatives and getting my other classmates speed running their review. I ended getting 3rd while the other two earned top 1 and 2. If pouring weeks worth of study and getting that outcome wasn't enough, being told by our instructors that they wished they picked the other two and someone else to represent in the first place.

I only got the spot because I scored the highest for the subject and I wasn't even planning to compete since it was all just for grade's sake. Reviewing the countless hours studying concepts that I'm never going to use and sacrificing play time made me just regret bothering with the whole shit. The other two were already known of the class but me scoring higher on that one instance was likely just dumb luck.

In a span of 2 hours panic reviewing, they managed to best everyone and I'm just sitting there contemplating how much time I lost and thinking, had they been out of the picture, I'd probably get the top but it's pathetic to be envious. I just want my time back.

"You see, even if they just reviewed for a short time, they topped the contest but it took you weeks of preparation and you only got 3rd place?"

That comment stings and my motivation to study the subject I loved died that day. I score higher on the subject because it's my favorite thing to learn and it's not because I was competitive but yeah, thanks teach for screwing it up. I wish someone else was on my spot too.

Overall, I see the process as a humbling and frustrating experience but growth requires sacrifices. You can give your 100% and still fail, you can be the best at something that builds your pride but there's always someone that's going to be better than you, you're replaceable and your worth is measured by how much value people can extract from you.

You can delude yourself to be the most valuable person just by being yourself but that's only you cheering you, not others. You can think of these things in a negative light and that's fine. The route I picked is acknowledging these truths and take it at face value.

Had I not experienced those events, I probably wouldn't be where I'm at. You can take in all the sad and happy memories that shaped you and give yourself a moment to ask, because you learned from these memories and they influenced your views and your views influenced your decisions, then your cumulative decisions ultimately lead you to who you are and where you're at right now.

I wouldn't know how I'd react until the problems are hurled at me. My opinions about this country's educational system has always leaned onto the negative side because participation only proved how much creativity is lost keeping traditions like attendance and extracurricular activities affecting grades. Heh, once in an interview, a doctor asked if I thought med school would be easy, I said it is and they just raised an eyebrow.

After going through process, I learned it was easy and didn't take back what I said. What made it challenging was the system where I have to attend class and use up hours of my time hearing someone read the contents of the textbook that I'll be read better on my own pace. But the attendance, grades, and disciplinary actions that followed for not complying made it an invisible iron bars. Just thought I could've progressed more on my side gigs with being caged at the classroom and only showing up during exams.

The actual hospital exposure was a different story entirely.

Are you proud of yourself?

11/10 times, if I had a time machine and go back into the past just to have a conversation with my younger version, I'd instill the shit with more doom and gloom, things won't get any better, there's more misery to come, the heartaches you will have will continue and I'm not here, as your future self to fix you. One day you'll get understand why I'm not giving you the lottery numbers to make your life easier.

Had that imagine conversation happened in my past, the lesson being instilled that I will come to understand for this shitpost is just sucking it up and grow some grit. It's not the happy memories or the good times that made me effective at what I do, it's the horrible things that I have to live through that made me capable and maybe this is the way it has to be.

So if an alternate version of my future self came to me right now, I'll just roast them for fucking up their future because they had to resort to coming to the past to teach me a lesson instead just sorting it out on their own timeline.

I'll visit my Alma Matter, maybe.

If you made it this far reading, thank you for your time.