Recently, I've been asking myself a lot of questions and trying to answer them the best I can and with as much honesty as I can. The answers haven't been brutal but they've forced me to understand a lot about a few of my current situations.
One of the most important questions I've asked is "Why do I bother so much about friends?" I've always been the person who walks with an air of indifference all the time but I hate to admit that I care deeply about what my friends think of me and I hurt even deeper when I get upset with them.
The question got me thinking about the people I consider friends at the moment and how we came to be. It also made me realise that I hold my feminine friendships in a much higher esteem than my masculine friendships, yet I often receive more affection and attention from my male friends.
This realisation made me conclude that I need to spend more time watering the plants that are willing to grow. I guess as humans it's normal to crave the attention of people who ignore us while ignoring the people who give us enough attention.
The next thing I considered was the fact that making new friends and meeting new people has been nearly impossible. This was also for obvious reasons. I don't go anywhere and I rarely interact with people thanks to the nature of my job. To a large extent, I'm grateful for this.
I met my closest friend at the beginning of Secondary School as far back as 2008 and since then, we just intentionally found a way to always get back to each other's lives. In between, I made friends at College who are still somewhat active in my life.
After college, I realised that I hadn't made a lot of new friends. Save for the job I had for 6 weeks where I made one friend, I haven't been in a work environment that encouraged me to interact with other people consistently.
I meet people at the gym for 2 hours, 3 days a week but that's it. I restrict our conversations and interactions within those 2 hours. We don't have enough in common to become friends.
I think what I'm trying to explain with all this is that sometimes it's okay to let go of people when it's obvious that the relationships aren't working as well as they should.
I noticed that with almost all my College friendships there's an obvious gap and as much as it hurts me I know I have to let them go. I realised that in their presence I try to be the same person I was years ago. I realised that we no longer function or reason on the same wavelength and that should be okay.
I know all this yet, I still feel hurt at the fact that our relationship has to come to an end. I had high hopes because of how much I genuinely liked these people and I felt liked by them too. I guess that's another effect of growing apart.
I keep looking forward to the new relationships I'll form when I finally start running my Master's program next year. I may not forge lasting relationships but I can only imagine the life stories I'll get to hear.
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I think one of the biggest things missing from all societies, and definitely some more than others, are places to connect with people without any obligation or expectation. There are always people trying to get something from others at a club or bar, and there are often subtle or not so subtle power struggles, gossip and politics in most communities.
This is why I fell in love with the local concert scene when I was in high school and local cafe culture in Tokyo after graduating (although it’s slowly dying now). These were places where people had a reason to gather but didn’t really need anything from you because they came for something else.
It always gets more difficult to find after graduation, but in that kind of environment, friendships can grow organically and don’t easily become something we are stuck with.
Someone told me that after graduation it would be near impossible to make new friends and I didn't believe him but now I see the reality.
I successfully made a friend from Instagram and while I love hanging out with her, I'm not the easiest person to link up with physically. I can only stand the outdoors for a few days a month.
I understand that feeling now. I used to be so desperate for social interactions but since I got more focused and since so much became touristy and overcrowded in Tokyo, I hardly want to go out.