If I look at my life I could easily find so many things that did not go according to plan. Things that just went horribly wrong through no fault of my own. Failed marriage proposal. Running out of funds to go to University halfway through. Getting stranded in a foreign country because of faulty documents. Real estate purchases that fell through because of the contractor going bankrupt.
The list could go on for a very long time!
Even today I got hit with a bill that was $25,000 more than I had budgeted for! Not because of poor planning on my side. Not for a lack of a contract that states how much I should pay. Just because there were unforseen circumstances beyond my control.
Which still leaves the question "What do you do when things go wrong?"
But before I answer that question I'll tell a story from the past when things certainly went awry!
A New Job, A New Beginning, and a Big Headache
If you go way back to the beginning of my married life things were very different for me than they are now. I had a loving wife which was great but we had a cultural difference. In Canada it is accepted that students borrow money to go to University. Student loans are the norm. In addition to that it is accepted that people borrow money to buy their first house. Mortgages on your first house are the norm. As a new husband I had both: Student Loans and A mortgage.
However, my wife was born into a culture where debt was not common. When my wife found out that I was in debt for my Pharmacy degree and the house we owned it was not a happy day. There were many tears, much sorrow and words spoken along the lines of How could you marry me if you were so far in debt! How could you not tell me you were so broke!
Now as a Canadian those were tough words to hear. Those debts were just part of daily life for pretty much every University grad who purchases a house. It's not a sign of being broke...it's a sign of working towards a dream.
That doesn't matter. As a husband I made it my mission to work hard and pay off those debts to stop my wife's tears. The decision was made to change jobs and move to the USA where wages were easily double what I was making in Canada. When a recruiter came by to offer me a job, sign-up bonus, relocation expenses for my wife and I to move to the USA and legal help with immigration I signed up.
VISA application gone wrong
Excited about my new job prospect my wife and I went on a little mini vacation to the town I was to work at in the USA. It was a tiny town called Yelm in Washington. Excited about the prospect of a new job, new country, higher wage, and bonuses my wife and I were thrilled to check out the new town.
Until we reached the border
I asked about the TN Visa that I would be applying for and about the TD Visa my wife would be getting. The border guard was very helpful and as we talked about my qualifications my work Visa was going to be easy to get. More of a formality than a problem. When we talked about my wife's Visa again it was not going to be a problem. She just had to show her Canadian passport, her marriage certificate and my TD Visa and she was set.
Except she had a Filipino passport. Which meant she couldn't accompany me to the USA.
I had given up my job in Canada, taken a job in the USA, and my wife wasn't going to be able to join me.
That hurt. I had to leave my wife of 1 year and support a home in both Canada and the USA. I lived like a pauper in the USA so I could pay down debt, support my wife, and work towards our future. I would work 7 days on, then drive 1000km to be with her on my 7 days off and then drive the 1000km back. Every week.
Visits and Borders
My wife wanted to visit me in the USA as well. She couldn't get a TD Visa to allow her to live with me full time. However, she was able to get a B2 Visa which allowed her to visit and do business in the USA. That was great. The idea was now that she could join me for a week while I worked and come back to our home in Canada when I had my days off.
Great plan? Right?
Except it doesn't work that way apparently.
You see we drove from Nelson to Vancouver to visit my mom. Then we were to drive from Vancouver to Yelm (crossing the border) to go to my job. At the border we were turned back.
I was shocked and my wife was again in tears. It seems that I was able to cross the border without issue so I could go to work. My wife was able to cross the border without issue for business or leisure purposes. However, we could not go across together and she couldn't visit me in the USA. Her VISA allowed her to go across the border with anyone--except me. She could stay anywhere--except with me. To be with me she would have to get a spouse VISA which she wasn't eligible for.
We went back to my mothers home and as we only had one vehicle she had to take a 10hr bus trip back to our home in Nelson while I had to drive 4 hours without my wife to my job in Yelm.
That was not a great day for either of us
What to do when things go wrong?
Which brings me back to the question: What do you do when things go wrong? Honestly every bad situation in life is different and there is no one size fits all solution.
That doesn't mean I don't have a game plan though.
First off: Don't panic, don't get emotional, and don't speak hastily.
Sure I wanted to yell at the border guard! Sure I wanted to get angry and blow off steam. But that would have served no useful purpose and probably just make things go even worse. I did my best to stay calm, think rationally, and try to figure out a solution.
Sometimes a good solution comes. Sometimes I just have to make the best out of a bad situation. Either way its easier to make a decision with a clear head.
Next up: Don't play the blame game!
It is easy to want to lay blame when things don't go wrong! I certainly wanted to blame the border guards, blame the lawmakers, blame immigration and anyone else when my wife couldn't come with me.
However, laying blame serves no useful purpose. Blaming others just makes a bad situation worse. It makes a bad emotional situation feel worse. It also keeps someone from growing. Answering the question : What could I have done differently to prevent this can keep the situation from happening again.
On a personal note: Please don't blame or berate your spouse. When things go bad it is easy to blame your spouse because they are your partner and they are right there beside you. However, they are your partner and the person with a vested interested in solving the mess. Working with them and strengthening them in a time when they are also feeling bad is far more constructive than trying to tear them down.
Of course if the spouse IS responsible (like when my wife forgot to pack any pants for anyone when we went on vacation) remember that mistakes happen. A lighthearted "Well, this is an interesting situation we have here, how shall we solve it?" will be far more useful and much less hurtful than "How stupid are you to not pack any pants!".
Final step: Accept and move on.
Acceptance isn't easy. Accepting that I was going to be away from my wife while I worked in the USA was hard. However, once I accepted it was the new normal and made a plan to deal with it things got easier. Sure the long drive was terrible. Sure it was very lonely being without my wife half of the time. In the end though I accepted what was and made the best of the situation--and moved on with my life.
Now there may be times that you have to put up a fight against injustice. There are times when legal action, political action, or activism is necessary. Most times though it is about keeping a calm head, coming up with a rational plan, and persevering through the difficult times that lead to the best outcomes in the future.
A footnote to the story
In case you are curious how the situation ended up....
After four years of long distance commuting and being apart things got better. My employer was able to move me closer to the Canadian border so I could commute across the border to work every day. My wife was able to relocate to a job closer to the Canadian border to allow me to live with her doing the commute. I was able to make enough money by doing a LOT of overtime to pay off my student loans AND mostly pay for an awful little condo that we could own outright.
My time in the USA was never easy. My time away from my wife was even harder. Perseverence helped both of us through it and the distance and commitment to spend what time we could together helped us both to value the other more. Plus a bit of time to ourselves while we were early in the marriage trail probably wasn't a bad thing either 😅
It also taught me a very valuable lesson: When dealing with government agencies read the letter of the law carefully! Just because it is common sense doesn't mean that's the way it goes. Just because a recruiter says "it is no problem" doesn't mean it is necessarily so! A recruiter is NOT an immigration official. I've learned to listen to others but NOT take their word for something until I verify it myself.
Overall difficult times are by definition not easy. However, they can certainly lead to growth and resilience. Just keep a calm head, learn well, and persevere.
From personal observation: Success in life isn't about having everything go right. It's about learning, growing, and sometimes just surviving when things go wrong. Even better if you can maintain a cheerful attitude through it all 🤣
Thanks for reading
and I love getting feedback.
Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. 😅
My wife is also Filipino so... I feel your pain. Haha, JK. It is kind of funny though, we have a bit of opposite roles. We also have a mortgage and I have old student loans. But she is the one that wanted the mortgage so we could get out of the apartment. Despite it being 'normal' to have a mortgage and student loans over here, I really hate to be in debt.
The US is especially hard on getting visas for Filipinos lately. Luckily my wife is now a citizen so we don't have to worry about her anymore but every time we've attempted to get anything for her family to come over, even just a tourist visa, it takes forever to process and then gets denied. It is quite annoying.
But, life goes on. Have to learn to take things in stride. Can't dwell on the negative, even if there is no positive. But there will eventually be positives again. Life is a wave, always up and down.
Good to hear from you again!
Sure there is a positive to not getting VISA's for you in-laws. Being in Canada I applied for my parents in law to come to Canada as visitors. That was 20 years ago ... and they are still living in the house. If the government says no you have a good reason why you are just living with your wife (and kids) if the government says YES you could find yourself having a more crowded house than you like :)
As you said though. Life goes on and there are always ups and downs.
🤣 True.