I am the "Ladies Man" of Telegram

Despite my downright middle-of-the-road looks, I get so much ass on Telegram. It has made me realize that attractive women are much too shy to approach me in person - they like to transmit their crush for me in the form of a random Telegram message in the wee hours of a sleepless night. And wow...these girls are not only beautiful but exotic as well...from my neighbor to the north, Canada...to way down under in Australia...I am the Telegram version of a rock star!

...Oh, who the hell am I kidding? Even the guys that look like a real sludge-fuck or the ones who still have the maturity level of a kid who makes superhero masks from a Corn Pops box know that most of these women want one thing: Money, money and money.

Over the Summer I kept getting random messages from women whose profile picture was moderately attractive at minimum...I finally bit and the small talk began. You had the simple "hi" and asking where the other was from and then once they felt comfortable enough...they throw out a very obscure website with names like "Bountychain", "Cryptotech" and "Coinflip" that promise meteoric returns...but hey, Mr. Deep Pockets...you better have about two grand in Bitcoin or you're not enough of a big dick player for this league of extraordinary gentlemen.

These women suddenly become livid once you refuse to send two thousand dollars in crypto to some fly by night website that is simply too good to be true. First, one of the sites I was linked to had some spelling errors and failed to capitalize the last name of a "big wig" employee. Strike one. You decide to do a Google search and find that the site has been up a whopping nine months and there is no internet footprint beyond the site itself on a Google search? Really? Strike two. You punch in the address listed on the site and come to find out there's a private security firm there and the two-star reviews of it were probably more favorable than the view you have of this obviously fake investment company.

Sadly, there's a lot of lonely people in this world...and some of these lonely people have very deep pockets and seek companionship. The worst part is that some of these poor souls will piss away hard-earned money and savings because they think they will score intense, pillow creasing sex with some gorgeous woman that lives in a completely different continent. The harsh reality is that the hot girl you're ogling the profile picture of on Telegram is some tubby, bearded man named Phil who tugs on his hot pink nipple ring as he gets off on the thought of receiving a few grand for acting like an interested female.

This isn't a late 90's AOL joke involving the question of if women actually exist on the internet...I've heard of people finding their one and only in an AOL chat room or the messenger, ICQ (anyone else remember that shit?!) But if you're in a Telegram about an obscure project and some girl with gigantic knockers named Tiffany hits you up...it's probably old Phil again priming his nipples up for another "investment firm" scam...so beware, friends. The internet is about as friendly as a middle-aged waitress named Faye at Denny's ;)