A Parent Like My Parents
I heard once, "the best you can hope for is to mess them (your kids) up as little as possible" and it really stuck with me. Life is not easy no matter who you are and the stresses of the every day can weigh anyone down, especially responsible men. This sometimes makes it hard to avoid the pitfall of defaulting to copy/pasting your parents behavior when dealing with your child. In fact, it is almost certain that you will parent as your parents did and that it will happen more often than will make you comfortable. Inherently this is not "bad" but at some point I assume most of you want to be remembered by your child in some unique human way.
My Parents:
My parents have changed over the years but two main modes of acting remain, may father is the caring understanding one and my mother is the motivating, pull yourself up and never give up type. Because my father was always out working somewhere, I had a considerable amount of time to spend with my mother who was also working but was also a student at the time. As is expected of the motivating figure, I was always told to work harder, to try something new, not to give up and under no circumstances fail (especially the spelling tests...). When I was in high school my parents separated and as a result the only person I had next to me now was my caring father. Once my mother left, my father took it upon himself to become super dad for me and my younger sister. He took responsibility for everything from cooking (he really likes to cook) to cleaning, shopping, driving my sister around, working and also finding time for us emotionally. This gave me a really new and different perspective on what it means to be a father and what it means to bear the weight of being a family man.
My Parents Through Me:
After I finished my education I moved to East Europe where I met the woman of my dreams and shortly after we had a child. Since my son I have had to deal with my mother and father all the time despite being on the other side of the world. I see, more and more, that when I come home from work and its been a hard day, the house is a mess, and my nerves feel like they have been sanded all day, I sometimes react with the exact tone and voice of my mother. At the same time when my son and I play we play in the same way that my father and I did. Lots of roughhousing, chasing, hiding, wrestling and sneaking up on mom. I have deja vu from time to time where for a fraction of a blink of an eye I am my father and he is me, laughing and having fun.
The Results (so far):
Trying to get rid of these reactions is almost pointless. There is no way to disconnect from your memories so much that you will never react as your parents did toward your little one. The most important thing is to balance your reactions and your tone. My parents were in no sense perfect, they split after all... however, I do admit that they had many positives. I am outgoing, hard working and with good habits because my mother was there to instill those qualities in me in times when they were most needed. I am a calm, collected and reasonable individual because of my father taught me never to act on emotion good or bad, he taught me how to steer through life calmly and happily. I owe them more than I can give, that's for sure. So, I sincerely hope that my son takes the best he can from his mother and I and that he combines it in his own special way.
The true result is that, if you take responsibility and you try to live the best you can, despite your situation, by your family and your children, you will be remembered in a human and genuine way. If you really give it your best your children will see that and they, being the human and genuine part will carry your memory forward. That is perhaps the most sobering adult thought I have had in the company of my son.
Footnote: Be genuine and don't be afraid. Lead your family to happiness and you will find that it is a never ending journey that will, no doubt enrich you and all those around you. Love your wife always.