It's good to be a giving person, right? We learn to share our toys, not to be selfish; to help when we can, as much as we can. And I believe that. Selfish people are wrapped up in themselves, which makes a very small package. We don't want to be selfish, or even have people think we are. Because that would make us a bad person to them, and maybe to our own idea of ourselves.
In contrast we are told that we can't give from an empty bowl; on an airplane to put on our own oxygen masks before trying to help anyone else. Another analogy is to give from your saucer, not from your cup – to give the extra that you have, but not all that you have.
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My experiences with feeding the wild birds has given me another way to describe it. I put birdseed in the feeder the birds are welcome to have all I'm willing to share. They aren't allowed to come into my house and demand more!
There are people who can be 'black holes' of energy. They absorb your energy but are never filled. They absorb all the energy that comes their way but don't give any back. If you stop feeding them, if you block your energy drain, they will think you are being selfish.
Which brings up the topic of manipulation - someone calling you 'selfish' if you don't do or give what they ask. I had to have quite a few of these experiences before I caught on. You are selfish if you don't do what they want? Wait a minute, wouldn't that make them the selfish ones? I think that's a question worth asking.
Where we choose to draw the line between giving and selfishness is ours to decide. Do we draw different lines with family than we do with strangers? Do we have trouble saying “No.” to unreasonable demands? You can't blame someone for always putting their hand out if you always fill it.
Again, this is for each person to decide and there's really no 'wrong' decision. You can judge from the results. If you feeling that your energy level is low, that it is being drained you can make a different choice and see what happens.
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Yes, expecting others to do your bidding without first giving something up for them is selfish. There are a lot of people like that too. "If you love me (or respect me), you'll do xxxxx." The problem is, if you ask them to do something, then they don't have the time. But they'll accuse you of being selfish. It's a psychological game people play, and the right thing to do is call them on it.
Yes, when there is balance in a relationship you don't see this kind of manipulation very often. Compromise is fine if both agree. But when the energy (giving) flows only one way the balance is off.
With exceptions of course, caring and giving to children and the elderly isn't as clear cut. But between adults I believe if you feel you're being taken advantage of you should pay attention because you likely are.
I have met many people like them who will call me "selfish" when I can't provide what they asked me for. I believe that they have a problem with emotional issues. Sometimes we just need to smile at them and say we're sorry for not able to share them at the moment.
When I first read this I though you wrote 'smite' them (instead of smile) and thought, hmm, not a bad suggestion! =-)
But yes, knowing your limits (setting boundaries?) isn't selfish at all.
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Nice to know there are still people around who don't like to say 'no'. Selfish is becoming a universal trait as opposed to a moral choice- Everybody is selfish. Duh!
Its all about point of view. From one perspective it may seem like a certain act is selfish but from another its the opposite. We don't want to be pushovers either.
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I think we can't compare things like giving and share at the same time, we shared toys don't mean that we give the toys. Protecting ourselves first before helping others don't mean that we're selfish. I will say No to everyone if I can't give or help them due to my own situation, but will be the first one to say yes if I have no reason to refuse it at all.
Maybe it's different in the real life and different backgrounds of people. Yes, there're different values in the community too. But as a person, you're free to decide based on your own values and conscience. The best things to do that interaction to find a win-win solution. Giving but hurting (the giver or the taker) will never be a win-win solution- IMHO
You make some very good points!
Sharing and giving - sometimes the words are used to mean the same thing, but as you say there is (or can be) a difference. And the meanings of the two words is an interesting thing to think about.
And yes, different backgrounds, different cultures and values are part of it too.
Mostly I think it feels good to give (or share) and be a helpful person when you can. But when you can't help, give, or share - it's not always for a selfish reason. Sometimes you just can't help.
You are Absolutely right! People must learn that..everyone can be a giver and a taker at the same time for a different benefits but shouldn't thought or felt that a giver will be a giver forever or vise versa.
I shared my lunch with someone, probably i shared the cost of lunch box too with him/her. But when I gave my lunch for someone..means that I gave it all and my taken is a happy smile of that someone😊
It does not matter who thinks what. As long as your heart knows the right way. :) People become mean sometimes and start calling other people selfish without any appropriate reason.
I have noticed that the people saying someone else is selfish are very often the ones being selfish! You are right, you have to listen and follow your heart to know the right way.
Its very simple, one can think about everyone how he is himself. If he is kind, he will feel this is normal everyone will have kindness like him. and vice versa: if someone is selfish he finds everyone selfish :D
YES! Well said!
Maybe there is such a thing as "healthy selfishness" @donna-metcalfe... consider giving to the world because a better world makes the world better for ME, as well. I remember a friend who said he supported the local shelter because "if there are fewer vagrants loose in town, they won't come and try to sleep in my shed."
However, those manipulators you're describing there are never pleasant to encounter... healthy boundaries becomes really important.
=^..^=
Yes, the topic of selfishness has more aspects than what I presented and "healthy selfishness" would be one. In fact that is how I approach it - the good I do (try to do) is towards making the kind of world that I want to live in.
The way I look at it is that if I can make my little corner of the world a better and happier place, and other people do the same, our "little corners' will eventually overlap.
Where I was going with this topic was to point out how "selfishness" is thrown about when people aren't getting what they want, not because the other person is actually selfish but has healthy boundaries.
And that type of selfishness is basically a manipulation, you're quite right. Those people feel like eternal "energy sinks" because it feels like SO much work to be around them!
It's a great topic!
=^..^=
It took me a while to recognize when I was around those people. (I call them 'black holes' of energy. Another term I've heard is 'energy vampires' but to me that implies they're doing it on purpose. Which mainly I don't think they are, they just don't have a bottom to their neediness.) I'd wonder why I felt so tired after a short conversation. Yes, because it's so much work!
What you pose is very much so. It's only selfish to someone if they can not get you to bend to their will. Taking care of oneself before taking care of others has long been thought of as being selfish, but is it truly?
Yes there are situations it can be. Like with the oxygen mask. If you don't use it first...you can't help others and you cannot depend on someone else taking care of you. Yet to constantly think of yourself like, oh I like those shoes they'd look great with this dress I have, but I haven't bought groceries yet or paid the electric bill. That to me is selfish. To put your materialistic needs before anyone or anything else.
Great post @donna-metcalfe so glad @asapers featured you!!
You bring up a good point. Because yes, I agree there are people who really are selfish in that they only think about what they want and that's the only important thing to them. Maybe it is a human thing because little children start off that way, grabbing at everything and saying, "Mine!" As they get older they learn about sharing and giving, but maybe a little bit of that stays inside?
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So very true. Sadly, some never learn that lesson. I love my husband to pieces. He isn't really selfish, but admits he is very much in to self-gratification. If he wants something he gets it! There is no discussion, I half the time don't find out until I stumble across it. It hasn't broken us yet LOL.
LOL Now I'm not sure if it's a human thing or a husband thing!
Early in our marriage I noticed that if he wanted something (buy something) he would just buy it. If I wanted something there would be a discussion about whether I really needed it. :-} (We were both working and earning money so that seemed extra unfair to me!)
Somewhere along the line he picked up on the saying "Happy wife, happy life" (I don't think it was from me?) and decide it was a good saying.
We decided to set a budget, equal to us both, that allows us to buy things (within reason) with no discussion or explanation.
Of course he still makes comments that I have too many books, but that's just silly. =-0
LOL sounds so similar to us but he never got past the 'I want it I buy it' phase. It has changed to him telling me that. But then I do have too many books, coloring or artistic supplies LOL. Go to buy clothes..I can't do it LOL.
He does buy me more things, which can be nice. It seems he's kind of adopted the same philosophy. He's more willing to do things that I like than he used to.
Proof that humans (and husbands) can change!
It is a very good sign that he is becoming more generous over time. (Often it works the other way, which would be a bad sign!)
I'm sorry, I do not understand the concept of having 'too many' books - or 'too many' creative supplies! :-D