Thank you for your supportive and encouraging comments. I was sorry to hear about your mother. My mother passed away in 2019. It was not from cancer, but it is very hard to lose a loved one.

It is often so hard to hang in there. I have written about suicide in the past. I don't blame people who complete suicides. Depression is a terrible illness, and it can be very hard. When people have not experienced it, it is difficult to understand the level of emotional pain that drives people to choose death.

That being said, it is very sad because, as a 25 year veteran of depression, I know that, no matter how bad the pain is, it always passes. Always. That is why suicide is so tragic. It is someone so desperate to escape the pain, someone who feels there is no hope, and who simply is (temporarily) incapable of seeing past the terrible moment.

To be honest, the way I have stayed alive is by blunt honesty. When I feel suicidal, I admit it to my doctors and to two or three trusted friends or family members. I am careful to tell multiple people because it's way too much pressure for one person.

Also, I am fortunate because my knowledge about depression and suicidality, from my education, training, and study, is quite vast. When you know that part of the illness actually is a feeling of hopelessness then when you truly, honestly, deeply believe things to be hopeless, you can at least have a solid basis to question that.

It feels real. The feeling of hopelessness feels like a FACT of hopelessness. The feeling that the pain will never end feels like a FACT. However, this is a delusion. I know because it passes. It has happened to me over and over and over.

My hope is that the episodes will continue to decrease with frequency and severity as I get older. Only time will tell. However, I can never judge people who complete suicides. I understand them too well. It's very strong to hang on, and I encourage people to do that.

But it only takes one very bad day to die of depression. One day when it seems nothing can ever be repaired. It's a very sad delusion. I worked on the suicide hotline for a while and, if people are open to it, they can be moved away from this thinking.

This has become the longest comment in the universe. I give you !PIZZA for reading it and for your thoughtful comment.