I spent much of yesterday going through old letters and revisiting old family tales. Many from people I never knew, like my grandmother's step-sister. Lots of drama there. Or her cousin (I think). It was actually pretty interesting, I was talking with my mom, who remembers this cousin as a sweetly old man. Reading his wife's letters, though, you learn he was abusive and a drunk. Funny how that goes.
Obviously, the most interesting to me belonged to my grandfather, and the family I do know. My grandfather was a serial adulterer, moving from one young mistress to the next until his sudden death. Mourned by his estranged wife (my grandmother), the woman he lived with, and his 17-year-old latest mistress. He was in his early sixties. Of course, he must've had his own trauma, with his own parents cheating on one another, not to mention being very strict people. The further back you go, you'll find, that everyone had their reasons, right?
Which made me kinda wonder... is there any escape, or are we doomed to repeat the past, and react to our own trauma? The first answer that comes to mind is, of course, you can. Yeah, but that's a lot of work. And I've still to decide/discover whether you really can escape your genes. I don't think a peaceful existence is written in our family tree. I don't think fidelity, or marriage, for that matter, are. Simply because no one in my large family has done a good job of it. Not to say we're not happy, or love each other, or what not. Just that we don't seem to be very good at it.
So, what can you do? You can observe, and hope you'll be smart enough, and strong enough to "put in the work", maybe. With this modern focus on mental health and trauma bonding and whatnot, you'll be able to escape the many toxic patterns inherited. I think my eldest cousin's trying to do that. Not sure it's for the better, though. Only seems to be making her miserable.
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Me? I've been focusing a lot on understanding myself and growing as an individual. I think there's so much room to grow, and people my age don't do enough about it. I don't mean getting yourself a side-hustle, or getting into crypto (everyone's doing that lately, have you noticed?). I mean trying to fight for the good. Maybe actually making a difference.
Of course, there's trying, and then, there's actually succeeding. Because while I may be clever enough to observe cause and effect in my own life, and understand the logical next step, I don't know I'm strong enough to follow through. Because when did having the answers necessarily mean scoring right?
I also worry that this self-focus might be misleading. It's a bit too easy to start "working on yourself" and not know when to stop, and I imagine you've seen people like that. People who, once they realize they're messed up and have so much work to do, forget to actually live. That can't be a good idea, either.
See, I figure it's not about being smart. It's not about being kind or well-meaning, either. Because most people don't mean to fuck up their children, partners, or just life in general. Yet we do, anyway. In part, because we don't know any better. But largely, also because it's so much easier to give in, than to fight against the current.
Each generation might end up playing the same old song, but at least we can put our own spin on it. Change the tempo, go from a minor to a major key, maybe a little more of a jazzy vibe... You can have a great time building on old material.
That's a good point :) A twisted past with a jazzy past sounds more fun, anyway. I hope you're good, my friend.
We each have the power to break out of destructive cycles that our ancestors have created, that's what I believe. I know that I have broke some already. It does come with a lot of inner work, but most of that surrounds self love.
I really enjoyed reading your thoughts in this and I do hope that more people focus on how they can be more happy in their lives, which then flows out to those around them xxxx
Thank you! I'm glad this resonated, and I appreciate the optimistic words. I was feeling a little overwhelmed by the "lot of inner work" when I wrote this, to be honest. And even if you fail, at least in some aspects, at the end of the day, trying to change it is the only way to go, I think. Otherwise, what are you gonna do, sit back, and accept the fact that this is it? Doesn't seem like a very good idea to me ;)
I've spent a lot of time thinking about this too because I come from a long line of ancestors with "sketchy" behavior -- moonshine runners, serial cheaters, criminals, fighters, etc. The thing about genetics is it's a true roll of the dice, everyone gets a unique mix of DNA from their ancestors, some get lucky and get more good than bad I guess. I always think it's funny how people view the past with rose-colored glasses, not everything was better and the bad was often hid from the light of day and everyone pretended it didn't exist. We had plenty of that in my family.
The beautiful thing is, when it comes to behavior, we can override a lot. I feel that just because we come from that kind of lineage doesn't mean we're doomed to repeat their missteps. In a way it pays a sort of homage to them to make sure we don't repeat their mistakes. Working on ourselves constantly, being transparent with others, and honest with ourselves is the best path I've found. This is one reason I like the stoic philosophy of constant improvement. We also have to balance that with just plain enjoying life, not being obsessive about self-analysis.
Thinking back, the people in this life that have hurt me the most or have interjected the most chaos into my existence have concealed their true selves until I've become really invested in them. That's the worst thing a person can do,
I think, is be inauthentic until a relationship deepens and its tougher to end it. Authenticity, honesty and transparency can prevent a lot of wasted time.
Yes, I'm at a point in life when self work is a big focus. Not just because of this familial angle, just because I think most of us are only doing life at a small portion of our potential, you know? That being said, I think you're very right in everything you said.
Question: Do you think it's possible to sort of train yourself to spot dishonesty in people? You said some people hide their true self until it's "too late", and they've hooked you. So do you think by working on yourself, and being self-aware maybe, you can get to a place where you see through the bullshit more quickly? 'Cause obviously, such people are quite skilled in pretense. Can you maybe side-step that, do you think, and cut such people out of your life before they can do damage?
Thank you for the podcast! I'm really digging the temperate, composed approach of the host. Sort of aim straight, but don't beat yourself up about it too much. Seems useful.
That's wonderful that you're devoting your time to self-work. It might not seem like it sometimes but it'll make the rest of your life so much better and more peaceful.
I think with time and experience you can learn to see the red flags that people throw. Just off the top of my head, some things I look for are -- how they treat people that can do nothing for them (like servers and such), their relationship with their family (are they close and open with their family?), how they speak of their ex's (do they take accountability for anything in past failed relationships or just blame everything on their ex?), are they constantly complaining, negative, and/or in need of money?, are they overly concerned with seeking attention or praise from others? Here's more I found. online.
One last thing I pay close attention to is their group of their closest friends. Since we're usually the sum of the five people we spend the most time with it's usually very telling, despite how adept an individual is at hiding their true personality/intentions.
Yes, if I see enough red flags I will absolutely walk away and push that person out of my "circle" despite how much charisma they have. I'll be civil with them but won't get close to them. I've learned no matter how much we'd like to you just can't change people. They have to want to change, and even then it could be a decade-long process. I've been nearly ruined several times by narcissists/sociopaths.
You're welcome! I love this podcast. I've signed up for the "Daily Stoic" email too from his website. Good stuff to build a solid foundation on!
Yeah, thanks for the link -- I related to many of those. Yes, I think what you said is very true. All those traits are awful. I think it can be difficult, at times, to cut people off if they're rude to waiters and trash-talk their ex, maybe, but haven't done anything bad to you, in particular. Therein lies the struggle of choosing choice people, I guess.
I've heard you say that before. I need t start paying more attention to this. Not right now, I think I'm good now, but in the future. It seems like such a golden rule, a gamechanger in who you let into your life. Thank you!
You're welcome! It's so tough sometimes even if you're paying attention. I try not to be too guarded/jaded because then you can become paranoid and everyone seems nefarious. That's why enforcing boundaries is so important. If you let someone in then they cross a line and you don't enforce your boundaries it's like giving them the green light to do it again (and maybe even worse next time). Life is a constant lesson.
I’m loving this podcast on stoic philosophy: