I don't doubt that there are a lot of other people who are the same way. And yeah, there is some resentment that builds up. Surely there are a lot of contradictions, and I appreciate you taking the time as always to break them down. It does sound like entitlement from a third-party perspective, but this time, I'm more sure that it isn't--at least not fully. It's hard for people to get what people like me experience, if they haven't gone through the same thing.
Here's a scenario (a bit long, so I'll understand if you won't be able to read it in its entirety): it's a friend's birthday, the same friend I always help out in times of need (for which there are many) but who doesn't help me the same way. I never complained about it, because it was my decision to help out without expecting anything in return. To some extent, every member of the group has somewhat a similar one-sided relationship with me. I guess, in a way, my inclusion in the group seems like the payment for all the help that I give. Anyway, so this friend's birthday is coming up, but it just so happens that my fiancée's (when she was still just my girlfriend) father had died a month before overseas. Oh you know what, I don't know if you remember it, but I was still with Foxy during all of this. I think I've told you guys about it before. Anyway, I digress again.
Because of personal stuff I don't want to get into, the funeral was decided to last just one day, which coincidentally was the same day as my friend's birthday. Suffice to say, I told the group in the last minute that I wouldn't be able to come. The celebration was supposed to take place 2 hours away from where I was, and I wasn't really in a celebratory mood. I did manage to get more than 2 hours in for Foxy, until you guys urged me to take the day. I had been up for more that 24 hours, being the one who helped identify and escort the body from the airport. So, yeah, they resented me for not being able to make it. To this day, I think they're convinced that I just made everything up as an excuse.
I was always there when they needed me, and all they could offer is a line text to offer condolences. What's worse is that scenario is par for the course in terms of all the groups that I had been a part of. It's not just about not being invited to do stuff, it's much more than that. That kind of scenario always happens to me, and while we already cleared out the expectations aspect in one of our talks, it doesn't help me avoid these things from happening. Haha! One year anniversary of that thread too!
I hope that helps clarify my stance. It's not that I don't want to be a part of a group, it's just that I've been in too many exhausting scenarios.
Maybe you need to be needed? The person you described doesn't sound like a good friend at all to me. They sound like someone I'd personally avoid. I do remember that situation. I remember being confused that you were trying to work at all. Why were you trying to work?
I don't mean to come down on you, but I think these introspective questions may be good for you. I hope you find groups of real friends who will reciprocate.
No, no, no. This is great, man. I'm extremely grateful that you even take the time to indulge me with my musings. Just goes to show you're a great guy, Luke! It's funny if this would really turn out to be a yearly thing. Don't get me wrong though, I'm in a totally opposite place from where I was a year ago. It may sound like I have some resentment in me, but really I'm in a good place right now.
That's the thing though, every group I've been a part of always has those moments. It's not that I hate being part of groups, it's just that, with my track record, it's kind of hard to hope. Adjusting expectations and all that. Do I need to be needed? I guess. I mean, I have though about it quite a few times before. Though, I'm not really searching for it.
I think we attract certain types of people around us. If we're surprised about that, we should be the ones to change to attract different people and different groups, right?
Yeah, I agree. Hence my search for an identity :D I'm glad the discussion came full circle like that haha! Really though, I'm just trying to be genuine and true to my nature, in hopes of attracting like-minded individuals. I'm happy that I make baby steps toward reaching that goal.
Oh, and I forgot to answer your earlier question! I'm so sorry about that. I was trying to work to distract myself from the grief. No one was able to sleep during the morning, and all the people were just reminiscing about the recently departed. I felt relieved that I was productive during that brief time. There were no conflicts, and I helped solve a number of problems during that period.