Melancholy

Recently, I have been struggling tremendously. Today I would like to talk about what happened, why it did and how am I right now, to better understand ourselves.

A Quick Rundown

For some time now I have had a person with which I could speak about anything. When I say anything, I really mean it, I have shared my deepest desires, fears, and troubles with them. As things progressed we fell in love with each other, but unlike any fairytale, things quickly fell apart. I am not going to get into details, as I do not like to be that much personal. What I want is to share the consequences so we understand how the human mind copes with severe trauma, or how I cope, because I was traumatized.

The severity of it

If I want you, the reader, to understand the situation better, I need to explain to you that this person was my whole life, for a year of knowing her, my whole existence changed. When things suddenly collapsed I lost a piece of me because I gave everything to her. I really gave it all, I gave love, I gave so much time to her and in the end, I lost it all. I felt emptiness, a void filled me and at first, I was crying, then being angry at myself and repeating the whole process again.

Grief Vs Melancholy

A couple of days later, after my whole life has been shattered to pieces, I went to a book store. I happened to find two books that I really wanted to buy. The first one was – The Interpretation of Dreams – by Sigmund Freud, but I ate before going to the bookstore so I spent a little money which made me have less than the price of the book, so I couldn’t buy it and I was not able to get back home and just get some money as I was in another city and traveling was more complicated and etc. So I bought another one called - Psychology of The Unconscious Mind – also by Sigmund Freud which synchronistically had a section about “Grief and Melancholy” which perfectly described what I was going through.

Freud explains how grief is a state where you lose something or someone you love, but melancholy is the more severe form where you feel deep painful distress, you got no interest in the outside world, you feel like you cannot love again, you cannot work on your goals or at your job efficiently and your self-worth quickly diminishes. I was feeling melancholy. I began to identify her with myself because she was a part of me then I began to harass myself, to blame myself for everything that happened, because I wanted a punishment. I needed someone to blame and because I deeply love the other person, I cannot blame her, nor harass her, even if she is guilty.

The characteristics of grief and melancholy are basically the same with the difference that melancholy makes your self–worth die, you basically feel like garbage, you think you are unworthy of any love, anything beautiful is just not meant for you. Melancholy makes your identity feel empty, where grief makes the world around you empty. And I felt empty, so the description of melancholy perfectly matched with what I was feeling. You feel lost so that also reflects onto the world around you, but it begins with you, where grief is just centered around the world and not you as an individual.

How do we heal?

After some time of blaming ourselves, we progressively kill the part of us that is associated with the person we love. Which allows us to destroy our created identity with that person so we can recreate our own selves. To transfer from “Us” to “I”, regaining control. In this process we are going to change, most probably become more egocentric, because we have sacrificed our own self for the greater good of “Us”, now maniacally we will become more self-centered.

Where Am I?

In the whole process of healing, I am somewhat in the middle of it. I progressed from crying and then feeling angry to feeling nothing, no love for anyone, no emotions in general. I have had some sparks of love but nothing that is consistent. I have gone by the route of destroying myself and have done it with alcohol, partying, and so on. Which is the unhealthy route, but I need to somehow cope with reality. The only thing that I feel is hatred, disappointment, and anger towards the person I loved before, towards her. I am beginning to subtract her from myself so I now blame her, not me. The thing that stopped me from blaming the real victim was my low self-esteem, but because of the healing, of the separation, I do begin to gain myself back, I actually boosted my confidence which allows me to have the courage to blame the real victim in the situation.

I have begun being more self-centered, as we said earlier, I now am more capable of manipulating people, because I too feel like being the victim of one such manipulation. So the shadow (shadow meaning the negative aspect of one’s psyche) of my own identity has risen and I do love that side of me. In these dark times, where I am on the negative side of my psyche, I do manage to find some things that I love about myself. It is painful to admit but love, compassion, and hippie shit have led me to nowhere. People love more the negativity and I want to incorporate more of my shadow into my own identity. I am just trying to not overdo it, to not become a jerk, just to be more of myself, more confident. I have to stop making other people more important than me because when a person becomes my whole life, I create a thin layer which if destroyed will ruin my whole existence. So the goal is basically to become more independent.

In The End

I expect to change drastically after what happened. I expect to heal and to feel myself again later on. I expect to love more deeply. It takes time and effort. I need to find a way to heal myself. So if you too are in a situation like mine – grow as a person, don’t chase the new love. Just vibe with life, discover new things, and develop yourself. Everything else will follow up. I love you all for who you are and until next time – peace.