Most of us know someone who is always late. Maybe a friend or a relative who shows up late so often you no longer worry or feel offended by their tardiness. That’s how she/he is! Punctuality-challenged people are often characterized as disorganized, easily-distracted or even rude. While all of these may apply in various cases, there are other more subtle reasons people are habitually late, reasons pointing to deeper psychological issues neither we or the offender are aware of.
A few days ago we were going out with a friend for an ice-cream and we’d agreed to meet at noon. As we were leaving home, I got a call - “There’s something I really need to do. Let’s make it 12.30”. I said OK. Grudgingly, as the reason was not quite solid. As we were getting near the ice-cream place, another message - “I’ll be there at 12.45”, followed by another “You go ahead without me. I’ll be there at 1”. It was annoying, but then I realized that sort of thing has been happening a lot and got me wondering why. Conventionally, punctuality is seen as a mark of respect. Being late sends the message that you consider yourself more important.
The easiest and most irritating explanation we can find is that the offender doesn’t value you and your time. “I could have slept later or I could have written a post while I’ve been waiting” you tell yourself. It’s not about you, though. Or, to put it another way, it’s not that they don’t value your company or your time, they don’t value their person and their time.
The inferiority complex
This friend of mine is very much aware of her inferiority complex and her low self-esteem. What she isn’t aware of is that by constantly being late she may unconsciously be trying to raise her own status. “It’s alright if I’m late. They’ll wait for me. I matter to them.” And it’s true. We will wait for her if she’s late the next time we see each other. And the next one, too. That’s because I know she matters. She doesn’t.
The superiority complex
I’ve been blessed to work mostly with nice guys and I have pleasant memories of our time together. Except for one guy, a slimy arrogant character who delighted in keeping everyone waiting. In a newsroom daily board-meetings dictated what the paper will look like the next day. (I use the past tense since printed papers are a thing of the past for the most part.) Most of us were at the office at 9, with the meeting slated for 10. Only it was usually 11, 12 or even later that this editor-in-chief showed up and was completely unfazed by the pillow creases quite visible on his rosy puffy cheeks. The attitude was clearly - I, master - you, peasants! At the time I saw his behavior as indicative of a superiority complex. It was only much later I understood that a superiority complex often hides an inferiority one. I guess deep down he knew he was a nobody, professionally speaking. Keeping everyone waiting was how he proved to himself he is an important person. (This would explain why he never made a name for himself, unlike other guys who held that position over time.)
The over-scheduling type
In our extended family, every gathering has only tentative times. We’d arrange for a birthday party or lunch at a certain hour, but that never stopped one of my relatives from arriving even hours late. You get used to it and learn not to make a big deal. That’s how she is! Most often she’d explain she had an errand to run or some acquaintance to meet, usually things that could have been scheduled another time. Some psychologists refer to such people as over-optimistic or unrealistic, who cram a lot of activities into their schedule on the misguided belief they’ll manage.
I, for one, am inclined to believe that filling your time with too many meetings and appointments is just a way to feel better about yourself. You have so many things to do, so many people need to see you, depend on you, couldn’t wait for another day, etc. And we’re back at the inferiority complex mentioned above. The need to know you matter. As I am talking about a relative, I know this woman is smart, cultivated and quite talented. I also know where this inferiority complex is coming from.
Finally, when dealing with someone who is often late, we need to question the way they understand time. I find it preposterous when someone tells me they’ve been doing this or that “just to kill time”. Whenever I hear that I inwardly scream. Don’t you know you have only a limited time on this earth? How can you afford to kill it? With such people it’s quite possible they don’t value your time and see no problem if they keep you waiting as time is some sort of pest, completely out of control, which they need to kill.
Sorry for taking so much of your time with my musings!
Isn't that so often the case? How we treat someone is a good indication of how we perceive ourselves, more so, perhaps, than even how we treat ourselves. Certainly more than how we speak of ourselves to others (we're too smart for such an easy giveaway).
Time distortion, as a phenomena, can also be a sign of a neurological/psychiatric issue, such as Parkinson's, autism, or schizophrenia. Not likely in this particular case, I know, just felt it was interesting pointing out. I do think for the majority, it's just a perception-sensitive thing.
I found something called time blindness, but it's not considered a disorder... more like losing track of time.
I don't think time distortion is that, exactly. More like having an impression of time being malleable and expanding to suit your needs/schedule.
I know a few people who are habitually late. In their cases I believe it's because they always underestimate how long it will take them to get ready and commute. One of them is almost always two hours later than they say they'll be to everything. It's a pet peeve of mine because I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. My parents raised my brother and I to be hyper-aware of punctuality.