Close your eyes for one moment and think about someone you loved, an ex, the one who got away, Mr.Big. What do you recall first and foremost? The betrayal? The final row? The slammed door? The many nights you cried yourself to sleep? No doubt these are all real memories, but what about the rest? The very first kiss, the butterflies in your stomach, the coffee in bed, the thrill of planning a future together? Those moments were real, too, and you were happy then. Hindsight is a treacherous tool - yes, the ex turned out to be an asshole, but does this knowledge annihilate the months or years of happiness? Painful memories do tend to stay with us longer, but it’s also a question of perspective and how you choose to paint your life.
Therapy is a marvelous thing, but, let’s be honest, it thrives on misery. You don’t go to your therapist to tell them about the first time your parents took you to the fair and got you on all those awesome rides. You will spend hours decrying how stern they were and how afraid you were to go home and tell your Dad you got a C in Geography, Undoubtedly, the bad moments in your life need to be analyzed, you need to understand how they shaped your life, but that doesn’t mean you should discard the good memories in the process. Paint all your past black and forget the moments colored in pure joy.
As someone who has spent a lot of time lately analyzing my life and bringing under the microscope every painful memory I could unearth, I was shocked to hear one of the most influential Jungian analysts and thinker of our times, James Hillman, having very harsh words about this modern fad about childhood trauma and the suffering of the inner child. I still believe that understanding the traumas that bent you this or that way is crucial if only to end the endless burdening of future generations with past hurts. Yet, as Hillman pointed out in an interview I was listening to the other night, therapists focus on hurts and have little interest in the good parts. In 1993, Hillman published a book that seemed to be at odds with his own career as an analyst - “We'Ve Had a Hundred Years of Psychotherapy and the World's Getting Worse”.
No wonder the victim mentality is so prevalent today if we all focus obsessively on the wrongs committed against us. While trying to heal the wounds of the past, therapy should also strive to give patients a more balanced perspective. OK, maybe your mother didn’t spend enough time with you, but that doesn’t mean your childhood was all miserable - you also had friends, nice toys and walks in the park. Even the bastard that in the end dumped you and broke your heart did love you at some point and you (should) remember seeing that in their eyes. Hell, even the soulless job you had for ten years wasn’t all misery. You had buddies you could talk to, you went to picnics together and sometimes you could pour out your heart to someone during coffee break. It all depends on which parts you choose to remember.
One of my favorite scenes in LOTR - As a protective father, Elrond warns Arwen there is only death in a future with Aragorn. However, she has a vision of the son she’d have in that future. “There is also life”. And chooses to stay. Perspective.
Many are inclined to look only at the bad parts as being a victim is a convenient excuse for all your failings, real or perceived. You can blame your shitty parents for not having the career you wanted or a Prince Charming in your life. You’re off the hook and you can wallow in your own misery forever. Also, by focusing solely on your own problems you are led to ignore the ills of modern society - alienation, constant fear, hatred of whatever group is to be hated in your country, uncertainty, stress.
They all gnaw at your soul, but you’re too busy obsessing about your personal trauma to notice that. According to Statista, “in 2022, around 55.8 million adults in the United States received treatment or counseling for their mental health within the past year”. That’s 1 in 6 US citizens and, viewed from a distance, American society is totally messed up. Something is clearly not working. The world is getting worse.
Except for the LOTR pic, images are my own.
Excellent, thought-provoking blog @ladyrebecca!
A mistake many make.
I understand that sometimes the hurt is too great and overshadows the good moments, kind of staying 'stuck' inside. A good therapist can play a vital part in helping the person find a way forward.
However, I'm not a big fan of therapy for every little setback people experience.
Being born in an era before psycho-therapy became the norm, I prefer working through the bad stuff in my own way and in my own time, but not everyone's the same.
The mistakes many made in the past, and still do today, is to sweep the bad things under the carpet. They instead turn to substance abuse to forget, but that of course, is like trying to beat oneself up.
I do believe we need to shift our focus on what's good, and not the bad things in life.
Very good points made in your blog @ladyrebecca!
I've never been to a therapist in my life... I try to deal with my problems on my own, too. The important thing is to work with your issues. I know far too many people who prefer to sweep everything under the rug.
You bring up some great points. Constantly focusing just on the bad/harmful stuff not only makes us perpetually depressed and vulnerable but it also makes us feel incomplete and draws even more negativity our way. Somehow we need to strike a balance between the Boomer's attitude of avoidance and the current fashion of adopting the victimhood mentality.
It's funny, a few paragraphs into reading this I was imagining the worst relationship I ever had. It was almost 35 years ago but I have never given much thought to the good times. She was the first woman I ever lived with, she was older and more sophisticated. We met in college and, in hindsight there were SO many red flags. She loved to argue, she never seemed satisfied with much of anything. I, honestly, think she asked me to move in with her just so I would pay half the rent. Lol. We had good times though. In many ways she introduced me to what it was like to truly be an adult. I was so thoroughly unprepared. I'll never forget how good I slept the night after we broke up and I moved out. I hadn't realized how stressed out I was living with her.
Priceless!!!
Priceless!!!
As I've likely said before I'm not a great fan of therapy, though I'm basing my opinion on ignorance. I've always tried to leave the hurt behind and not to continually revisit it. Everyone gets hurt. Use it to toughen your armour and move on. But you're right about the good times. We rarely remember those. Negative default programming perhaps?
I guess it has to do with our survival instinct. Bad experiences must leave a stronger mark if you want to survive long enough to see your line continued.