How my Parents' Addictions Fueled me to Break the Cycle (Warning: Semi-Graphic Content)

I want to start off by saying that this is going to be a semi-long read, but it has to be. For you to get the entire picture of this article you have to understand the backstory. It may start out as a sad article, but I promise it gets better. 

My first memories are of my Mom and Dad fighting in the kitchen of our old house. I remember things would get heated and I would pick a side, usually my dad. I knew nothing about what they were fighting about. I later learned that it was about my dad being an alcoholic, and my mom cheating on him. When I was 4 my parents got divorced and my Mom moved into an apartment about 30 minutes away. I am an only child and my parents each had 50/50 custody of me; I think that allowed them to both be the best parents they could be. Why? Because in the beginning it allowed them time away from me to be alone with their addictions without feeling guilty, before those addictions completely took over and it didn't matter. 

When I was at my Mom's, we would go to the pond at her apartment and feed ducks, plant flowers in the garden that she got permission to plant from the apartment complex, and go to the park a lot. When I was at my Dad's, I would ride my bike alongside him and my stepmom rollerblading, cuddle up with him and watch t.v., and spend lots of time outside swimming in his pond. I wasn't abused, I can't even remember being spanked or being grounded. I would say my childhood was pretty great, until it wasn't. 

Every parent wants their child to look back and say they had a great childhood. Any parent would be lying if they said they wouldn't care if their child thought they were a shitty parent. I never thought either of my parents were junk, I looked up to them in the most genuine way that only one's children can. Even when they thought they were doing a crap job, I didn't even notice in the early years. I did notice how things started to change the older I got. They say "ignorance is bliss" and with that I will wholeheartedly agree. Sometimes the less you know the better. Inevitably as I grew up and got older, I started to pick up on things that younger child wouldn't. Dad slurred his words a lot, Mom got mad at me a lot over things that didn't seem like a big deal. How come other kids in my class didn't have to do their homework in the back seat of a truck using a flashlight while their Dad and stepmom drank in the front seat and drove around? Was drinking and driving normal? It was to me. How come my Mom would have her boyfriend over and they would become aloof and silly out of the blue? I didn't mind, I thought it was fun! 

I would casually tell my Grandma about what I did over the weekend with either parent "Dad had a bunch of his friends over for a bonfire. Everybody got really drunk and I think they got annoyed of me because I had to be in the house while it was still light out and I couldn't fall asleep so I just laid there for a couple hours. I tried to come back outside, but I got yelled at to go back in. I wish Dad would stop drinking and spend time with me. He never wants to hang out with me anymore." I distinctly remember Grandma's eyes filling up with tears and not knowing what I'd said that had upset her. The next time I went to my Dad's house he had a talk with me about what happens at his house doesn't need to be told to Grandma. I didn't understand this because I was just telling her what we did over the weekend. What was the big deal?

I started putting 2 and 2 together and realizing that my parents weren't normal parents. They loved me so much, but they both had another child that they loved equally if not more, their addictions.

The summer before 7th grade, my Mom came over to my dad's house during the day to hang out with me for the day in the summer while my stepmom and dad weren't home. We were having so much fun jumping on the trampoline, swimming in the pond! When we were done we went inside to change out of our swimsuits. Mom excused herself to the bathroom. Again, she and I were the only ones at my dad's house. Weird situation, I know but that's what it was. She was taking forever in the bathroom and I didn't understand why. I knocked and she said she would be just a minute. So I waited by the door. I could hear pill bottles being dumped out. Why would she be doing that if she was going to the bathroom. I laid down and looked under the door and saw her feet in front of the medicine cabinet then heard her flush the toilet. She was trying to pull one over on me. I wasn't stupid. I knew she was looking through the pills to see if there was anything worth while to steal. That ruined the fun of that day. I caught her growing weed at her apartment with her scummy boyfriend who turned out to be an extremely violent felon on the abscondee list. I caught her trying to steal pills other times. And honestly, I have no idea what other drugs she was into. 

In 9th grade my Dad and stepmom started drinking all the time. It didn't matter what day of the week it was they were drinking into oblivion. My stepmom and I often got into fist fights. There was a hole in our hallway wall for the longest time from when she missed my face. A nice reminder that no matter what I did, I would always come in second to the addiction. If you're a child of addiction you know very well that something may be fine one day, and a complete no-no the next. You feel like you're walking on eggshells and you never know what is going to set them off. You never know what each day is going to bring. Will they be happy drunks today or will they be violent drunks today?

In high school I became a partier. I loved drinking and going to parties. My friends and I would drink and drive around and think nothing of it. I was on the track to become destined to what was in my genes, an addict.  I didn't care much about school and the older I got the more I wanted to be anywhere but home. I liked to drink to forget and I completely used it as a crutch. I continued this way until about a year after I graduated. I'm not going to go into what happened to make me change, it's a very sensitive subject for me so maybe for another post. Anyways, it did happen. I changed. I had something completely turn my world upside down and I decided that I didn't want to live that life. I didn't want to follow in those footsteps. Not everyone has an awakening moment, some people go on forever doing the same things over and over. Whether it's alcohol, heroin, meth, you name it. The cycle can go on forever and be passed down from generation to generation, but all it takes is one person to stop the cycle of addiction. 

I became mad. Mad that I'd had to be the parent to them. Mad that I'd taken the brunt of the addiction and they always chose "it" over me. Mad that no matter how many times I'd begged them to quit as a child who didn't understand- they never did. I became so resentful that my life had ended up the way it had because no one taught me. Then I realized that they actually had taught me one valuable lesson. The consequences addiction has on the people around you. 

I know there will be someone who says addiction is an illness, and I totally agree. But with illness like cancer, or diabetes, or literally any other illness do you try to get better or completely give up and let it kill you? 

Today I'm aware that addiction is heavily in my genes. I learned that my parents don't want to be the way they are, but they've been doing it for so long that they don't know how. I learned that it's not my job to try to help them. I am the child and they are the parents. Not the other way around. I learned that I don't need to feel guilty for setting boundaries. I learned that I may never get the love I felt I deserved and I know I was a good child which is something I didn't believe for years. I now know that sometimes drugs and alcohol makes people turn into different people than who you know them as- whether that's happier, or meaner. I learned that I don't want my life to go down that path. I don't want to wake up one morning, 50 years old, and wonder where my life has gone. Most importantly, I want to live life. I don't want to be a prisoner to a substance.