The Fallacies of Treating Others With Unkindness

I've been wondering lately why it is so easy to ignore one of the most commonly used sayings: “Treat others how you would like to be treated.” This is the “Golden Rule” that is often taught to children in elementary school, and the pessimistic side of me wonders if adults just use this phrase as a way to stop unruly children from acting up instead of really believing in the meaning behind it and practicing the behavior themselves.

Our parents and guardians are the people that we look to as role models at a young age. Whether their actions are positive or negative, it becomes ingrained in us that this is the way people are to treat each other, and it is incredibly difficult, even as an adult that recognizes toxic behavior, to not repeat the cycle.

I think there are a few reasons people so often treat people poorly even though the damage of their words and actions are clearly visible by the verbal or non-verbal reactions of the people they affect.

1. Better you than me.

One of the most disappointing characteristics in human nature is that when a situation becomes difficult, many people will choose to be bystanders. This goes back to the days when each waking moment was focused on survival, and in a split-second decision of fighting off a wild animal to save a family member or running to safety, it didn't always make sense for someone to put their life in danger when the results would most likely lead to the death or two rather than just one.

Nowadays, survival means much more than just physical survival or survival of the species. In places where people are not struggling to find their next meals, there is time to get consumed by all the other elements of human society like financial, emotional, and social survival.

In a social setting, people tend to create a hierarchy of power. This is made worse in places like high school where you have people that have no business in leadership positions calling the shots. There are the alphas and the followers, and there are the people on the sidelines as well that simply chime in here or there or try to ignore things (whatever suits them best) in order to survive socially. This line up of social roles continues to college, workplaces, and neighborhoods. Someone puts themselves on top, and other people allow that.

Eventually, someone from the inner circle does a move to assert dominance and retain their position. Instead of stepping in and declaring that it is wrong for someone to be targeted with cruel words or actions, most people choose to condone the behavior with laughter or their own comments or avoid becoming involved in the situation entirely.

The flaws in this thought-process:

Let's imagine that the situation here involves someone being targeted for their culture, nationality, sex, gender, religion, beliefs, class, intelligence, or interests. Couldn't you then, too, be a target because of your ethnicity, nationality, sex, gender, religion, beliefs, class, intelligence or interests? Would you like people to stand around doing nothing or join in if you were the target? Or do you think you would not be a target because people are only targeting people with X religion or Y interests? It's only a matter of time before one of your qualities is seen as unfavorable, too.

One common thing I've witnessed online and offline is “slut shaming”. This is when people, typically girls or women, are insulted or harassed because they are seen as being too promiscuous. I wonder why girls, especially, take part in this behavior. I don't think women that do this consider some important things:

1. When you “slut shame” you are telling people that there is a specific amount of sex that is acceptable or a time after meeting people (perhaps marriage or something arbitrary like “5 dates”) that makes it okay to take things to the next level. When you challenge other people's rights to make personal choices, you are basically saying that personal choices should be decided by other people, not the individual. Why anyone would want to condone taking away the right of choice escapes me.

2. The people that shame others for this reason neglect to consider the relationship between that person and the person (or persons) with whom they have sex. If you are not part of that relationship, how can you denounce the meaning of it? How can you decide that someone sleeps around with no regard when it is very possible that that person went into it thinking there was a future? And couldn't then anyone be accused of sleeping around when a relationship or two don't work out? Why be part of a culture that aims to make people feel bad when things do not go as planned when the same could happen to you?

3. There are certain people that participate in “slut shaming” due to religious reasons or because they think these girls make women look as a whole. If you do this for religious reasons, then you haven't considered that some people have different values or beliefs (even if they follow the same religion as you). If you think these people need to be saved, then do so with an approach that is caring and understanding. And for those that “fight for the dignity of women” in this way, consider that you putting the sex down. Consider that some women may not even be doing this willingly or joyously but because they've been hurt in the past. Yet, modern day feminists tend to kick these people down instead of help them heal. So much for the movement, right?

And I have witnessed men being part of this as well, which is hard to understand as well. On the dating/social website OkCupid, each person can answer questions on their profiles to find better matches. One question is along the lines of how experienced (sexually) you'd like your ideal partner to be. I have seen many people choose that they are most interested in virgins. Another question asks about how many dates you'd want to wait until having sex, and these same people that are supposedly looking for virgins want people that are willing to have sex on the first to third dates. This is incredibly contradictory and incompatible.

What needs to change here is for people to recognize the hypocrisies in their actions and beliefs, whether it's about a topic like this or something entirely different. When you let this judging behavior go on and participate (aggressively or passively) as others have their identities, qualities, and self-worth demolished, you sign yourself up to being the future target. The idea of “better you than me” only buys you time. 

2. I'm hurting and others should, too.

This line of thinking is sometimes acted out subconsciously, while others will admit that this is the reason they behave the way they do.

It is not uncommon for people to be treated poorly in relationships physically or emotionally and then deal that same treatment out to the next person that unknowingly crosses their path. The common understanding is that bullies, in general, were once bullied themselves. Those that lack control desire to find their own avenue of control, whether this is through the control of others or finding control in their own lives (OCD, hoarding, drug dependencies, and anorexia are created this way in many situations).

I will assume that the majority of us have been in relationships, and if not we still have the experience of some kind of relationship (with a parent or a friend). There are ways that people behave that we don't agree with. There are the times when people give us discouraging comments when all we desire is some amount of support, and there are times when people give us a cold shoulder when we require a shoulder to lean on. If those people were in the opposite situation, wouldn't they, too, wish their needs were met?

Not only is this a learned behavior of response, it is also a retaliation and rejection of the behavior others have received. When they needed appreciation rather than criticism or a hug instead of a put down, they began to adapt to the treatment. They pain was only dulled by giving it to others rather than pushing it away or extinguishing it. That is the coping strategy that becomes the norm for many people.

The flaws in this thought-process:

When we decide to repeat this unhealthy cycle, we give life to the negativity. We allow it to move from us onto the next victim and spread like a fire. Instead of facing our own issues and addressing our demons, this behavior makes it fall onto the next person. It is a way of avoiding the personal responsibility in dealing with our baggage. In doing so, it makes it so once more a person is left to feel hurt and inferior, and it normalizes the thought that damaging the self-worth or morale of others is okay. When something bothers an individual, it is the duty of that individual to recognize that that treatment is not right instead of blindly accepting it.

3. It made me stronger.

I have heard from a few people close to me that bullying is okay and that some form of verbal abuse is acceptable as well because those that experience it learn to let more negativity slide. They learn to take things less personally. People that grow up with a father that calls them worthless prepares them for the outside world that is not always pleasant, and people that grow up with the opposite are more vulnerable to the words or actions of others.

You may think that I am exaggerating, but these are the words of people I know.

The flaws in this thought-process:

I will keep this section short and go straight to calling bullshit on this mentality because it's such a joke, it's not funny. Being able to survive and come out stronger from this treatment is not the intention of it but the byproduct. Yes, people will learn to adapt. Some people will learn to push down their emotions or see more flaws in the thought processes of others so they don't take it to heart. What about the ones that don't? Do we consider them too weak? Not everyone comes from the same situation, so it is impossible to say something like, “Well, I would have made it out just fine if that were me.” Some people internalize interactions, while others have an easier time judging people's behaviors as “their problems”. What about the people that only receive these kind of interactions and so they have no positive comparison and lose the ability to form emotional connections with meaning? Do we really want to create a society of people that never learned to care about the feelings of others? 

I am astounded that some people look at bullies like a blessing, and I am more bothered by the parents that want to be the bully of their own children. As a parent, your goal is to create a safe-haven for your children. You must nurture them emotionally and physically, so that you can form a person that has confidence and resilience. You do not beat them down thinking the rest of the world will anyway. Instead, you denounce those negative attitudes and you aspire to give you children better than what you received or what you think their bound to receive. You give them the one place in the world at which they can feel secure. That should be the goal.

4. I've been treated this way all my life; now it's my turn to dish it out.

This is something that is commonly seen in people that hold positions of power or authority. When people make it up the societal ladder, others begin to look smaller, and not many people have an issue with crushing an ant. There are bosses, parents, policemen, coaches, teachers, politicians, and others that use their positions as a way of controlling others or finding ways to make a difficult, confusing world more miserable. Instead of setting out to create positive change, to guide adults and children and humanity as a whole toward a place that is better for all of us, people claim their spot in the social hierarchy and use it as a way to progress their own agendas and keep others down.

After years of struggling to advance financially, or socially, it becomes the goal of some people to make it as challenging for others as it was for them. One example I'll give for this is that certain people with acquired skills will go out of their way to hide helpful tips and avoid letting others in on the secrets of how they are able to do what they do. Although I've encountered many people in the artist community that are willing to provide others with all types of information and tutorials, there are also a fair share of people that will directly express, “I figured it out. You need to do it on your own, too.” In this mentality of needing control, there is also an underlying fear, one that others will prevail, and all the hard work will mean nothing.

Those that view their experiences and challenges they had to overcome can develop a mindset of not wanting to see it made easier for others, and so they create obstacles for others in the form of verbal or physical abuse, omission, direct sabotages, character destruction, and other techniques. 

The flaws in this thought-process:

What many people neglect to realize is that the reason things happen to be so difficult is that this sort of mindset runs rampant. When people are so focused on their individual successes and climbing over the hurdles that lie ahead of just themselves, they neglect to look at the full picture. If more people sought to provide the world and its inhabitants with things like kindness, fairness, appreciation, compassion, understanding, and openness, that would help to normalize the behaviors. When people reach a position that allows them to have power over others in some way, it is important for them to remember the journey there and to make it better for the next generation rather than the same or worse.

I always ask this of people: Do you care about anyone in the world? Do you care about your parents, your friends, your children, or even the novelist that made you laugh or the filmmaker that made you think? If you cannot think about anyone alive currently, then do you care about someone you've read about that existed in the past? Do you care about the child you once were? If you care about anyone, then you owe it to them to try to make it better. And you also owe it to your present, past, and future self to improve things the best you can.

I have a hard time imaging that people do not care for one person beyond themselves or care about another even if they don't like themselves. If there is no one to care for then the money, fame, possessions, and knowledge of that individual becomes valueless at the end of a lifetime. Without someone to care about enough to share things with (experiences, wisdom, skills), you devalue what you have to offer the world. Everything you own from your intelligence to your stories to your car has the ability to outlive you. But in order to do that, you have to pass it on.

The world needs to experience a change in the way we treat each other. We all strive to obtain many of the same things in life like love, security, good health, fortune, and family. Yet, we spend so much time caught up in our own struggles that we have difficulty viewing ourselves in the eyes of others. Use the “Golden Rule” to guide you. Treat others how you would like to be treated now and how you would have liked to be treated in the past. Only when we recognize the fallacies of our actions and thought processes can we begin to make the world better as a whole.