Diary of a distressed and anxious soul.

Part 2

7 weeks of Hell.

At my lowest point, I had trouble with about everything! Walking from my bed to the toilet (10 steps give or take) wore me down and I had to sleep or at least lay down for an hour. Taking a shower was even worse. Drying myself off or even washing myself took the little energy I had at times. But, at least I never stopped trying. But that was not the biggest problem.

24/7 scared

Ever scared the bloody shit out of yourself? Remember how that made you feel inside your body? Rapid heartbeat and gasping for air? Wanting to run away and hide? Thinking you were going to die? Multiply that feeling by 100! That's how bad some panic attacks feel. You are seriously believing that you are about to drop dead. No matter how often people say, you are not going to die and that it's all not real! Well, it's bloody real for the person having the attack. Okay, now imagine, being in that state of mind 24/7 for 7 weeks! Yeah, I lost my marbles. I totally lost it!

It all started with a single panic attack.

I remember the day as if it were yesterday. There was a strike walk with lanterns against all the Covid rules in my town. 2 friends of mine were walking it and they would cross the road close to my house. I was waiting for them to pass by but the only thing that passed was me passing out on the couch. I woke up feeling all kinds of weird in my head but thought I just needed that sleep. Because of that sleep, I was not able to sleep during the night! Ugh. Anywho...

I watched a movie on the couch and after an hour, I started to feel weird. so, I clicked to tv off and went into the kitchen for a smoke. While standing there I started to get dizzy... Very dizzy and my whole body reacted weirdly. Instead of waking my partner up, I went to bed and tried to sleep. But, I was getting more weird by the minute. I started to walk back and forth while being super dizzy and it felt like the world was spinning... Finally, it got to me, that I was having the worst panic attack I ever had.

The hell is going on!

I woke my partner up and he helped me to calm down and after 4 hours, I finally fell into a deep sleep.
The days after that, everything was good. Well kinda. I did not think too much about everything but slowly the idea that I had a mild brain bleed or a tumor started to creep up on me. Because my energy levels were so darn low, I was no longer able to fight against my panic attacks.

They had been gone for 4 years almost and the only problem I was still facing was my agoraphobia. But that was also under control and I was able to pick up my life after being inside for almost 10 years.

At this point, I started to get panic attacks every 3 to 4 days. Bad but still under control. I still have no idea where that first one came from though. After 4 weeks my attacks started to be every single day. I woke up with a heavy depressed feeling and all I wanted to do was sleep or you know, die.

Hell is my home.

at a certain point, I was in a constant state of fear. and I don't mean, I just saw a spider fear. But the real I am in danger and I am going to die fear. My partner could not help, my mom could not help. If they got close to me, I freaked the hell out. Sleeping in the same bed as my partner was a hell because every movement he made or sound, gave me an attack. I was convinced they wanted me to be locked up. Everything and everything around me was too much, too freaking much.

It took me 7 weeks

7 long weeks to find my strength to make the call I had to make.

I am back

I plan on sharing my story in this diary form. I can't promise to post every day or even every week. I am still recovering from everything but I can mention that I am doing much better! At least I have my focus back! I swear if you had asked me to write you a post 12 months ago... You would not be able to understand a single word. A post like this one (Not too long) would have taken me days maybe even weeks to get done.

I will be honest and raw.

I will not hold back and share my story the way I felt it. This might trigger others. But I feel this is the right place to share my story! A platform where you can be yourself and speak open and honest about everything!

I hope I will see you back for part 3.

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