Water is the softest thing, yet it can penetrate mountains and earth. This shows clearly the principle of softness overcoming hardness.
~Lao Tzu
Over the past several years there has been a movement for many women...and men... towards "awakening the sacred feminine." Leaders in this movement are often very outspoken, empowered women guiding those who have been "wounded" or who have survived "trauma". The messages often echoed are... "speak your truth sister", "set your boundaries", and "reclaim your power goddess!!!" Albeit, I can sense that the intentions with these women are good. And that this can be a stepping stone towards breaking our unhealthy and abusive patterns in relationships.
However, I have noticed that there is a old pattern emerging..."awakening the divine" has become, for some, a competition of who can blame more...and accept responsibility less. It has become popular in the "spiritual world" to use labels such as "narcissist", "the patriarchy", and "dark entities". Women and men alike are taught to withhold love from those who are unworthy and point out the lack of spiritual evolution in others.
What I'm recognizing in this pattern is an extension of what many of our female role models taught us as children. Raise your hand if you grew up watching your mom or grandmother watching soap operas or lifetime movies. What were the behaviors of the main female characters in those stories? In my experience, from what I observed in the women in my life... women held grudges, they sought revenge, they rarely said they were sorry, they were quick to react and point fingers, and boy oh boy...did they stand their ground. I often observed venomous attacks against anyone brave enough to express disagreement...many times followed by a refusal to talk to the person who offended them for extended periods of time. There were lines drawn and sides taken...and God forbid if you talked to the person on the other side of that boundary.
This "us against them" mentality was so prevalent in my childhood that I grew up thinking that this was "the way women were". At least that's what the men would say. And it was how I was expected to act as well. I was rewarded by the attention of other women by behaving these ways. I was shown empathy when I cried and "told on" others for their unacceptable behaviors.
Now that I have had children of my own and have witnessed what this energy can do to families, I am determined to change this pattern. I have seen it tear entire families apart. I have watched people harden more as they age, and take blame and grudges to their grave, leaving the rest of the family with immense, unnecessary suffering.
On the other hand, I have witnessed the power of the softening feminine to shift timelines and lifetimes of fractured hearts, through my personal experience and from listening to stories told by elders.
This brings me to the concept of the "ungrounded feminine" vs. the "grounded feminine". The ungrounded feminine seeks power through separation, setting boundaries, withholding love, and blaming others for the suffering. The grounded feminine is effortlessly powerful because she is gentle...she unites, invites, receives, includes...brings harmony and opens fully as LOVE...in service to ALL. Groundedness allows us to soften in our Divinity and tap into the unlimited source of pure LOVE!
What causes the feminine within to become ungrounded? In my personal experience, as I mentioned, it has been partly due to the ungrounded female role models in my life. Basically, I learned through modeling the behavior of my mother, her mother, my aunts, and the women I saw on T.V. This is not about blaming them. They were all doing the best they could. But having this awareness allowed me to start to forgive and unravel this conditioning. The conditioning that makes very little room for unconditional love. It is how our hearts were broken and even stolen...very early on. We were taught that love had to be earned, and that it could be taken away at an moment...so we better "act accordingly". And because we are imprinted with this conditional love...it creates an inner sense of unease and instability...and our only way to feel safe is to control who we let into our lives and how much love they get...hence the birth of BOUNDARY SETTING.
This story is so ancient. And it was depicted so brilliantly in the recent Disney movie Moana which received 18 awards for animation and music. The story is about a benevolent, life-giving Goddess named Te Fiti, who's heart was stolen. Because her heart was stolen by one being...she blamed ALL of humanity and she became "Te-Ka", a dark spirit who sought revenge, defended her territory, and inflicted suffering on those who attempted to cross her path. Moana, a young polynesian girl, is chosen to return Te Fiti's heart, because of her immense compassion and gentleness. Warning...this video might be a tear jerker...it was for me :)
“I have crossed the horizon to find you...I know your name...they have stolen the heart from inside you...but this does not define you. This is not who you are...you will know who you are...who you truly are."~ Moana reminding Te Kā of her former identity.
According to legend, only the restoration of Te Fiti's heart can save the world from annihilation. This...is the power we hold...as manifestations of the grounded feminine...to save humanity...by returning our own sacred heart.
Another analogy I love to use for the grounded feminine is the Mother Tree...who is nurturing, welcoming, and adaptable.
The Mother Trees that we see in the forest are constantly giving nutrients, providing sanctuary, and offering sacred information to the trees, plants, insects, mycorrhizal networks surrounding her, even after her death.
I love this video on the "Amazing Mother Trees" and their sophisticated underground system of communication and pathways for nourishing other trees in her network.
How do we support life around us like the grounded Mother Tree? How do we transition from wounds to wisdom?
From my personal experience, this pattern, besides being a learned behavior, is also reaction to an imbalance within. An unwillingness to love the parts of us that cause shame, fear and guilt. When we are able to love ALL aspects of ourselves unconditionally, we are able to let go of the need to blame, we are able to stand firmly and grounded in our responsibility and self-love. I'll talk more about how to love these fragmented aspects in Part 2 here.
Aloha,
Pachee
Oh I love this. It is hard to be soft when you are attacked all around. I have yet to learn how to maintain it.
This adds another reason for me to watch Moana soon. I love Disney movies! Enchanted was wonderful too!
Yeah I also noticed most online articles write about how to avoid or run away from narcissistic personalities. They don't advice that only the "strong" or enlightened/loving ones can handle/help them imho and so those who cannot must avoid them instead. Usually though they prey on the weak-willed but emphatic ones... who only grow strong once they have had enough.
Oh well so much of our upbringing needs to be addressed and corrected in order to attune more to love. It's a looong process. Whew.
this is a really great post, we really do need to take our power back, our true nurturing power, for too long women have been knocking one another down, we really need to move forward and start to build one another up. Let go of these role models that the media has pushed on to us.
cheers to softening.....and loving more....not less.
This is so good! Part one and Two!!! Thank you Pachee! Truly, so so much to glean here. Felt ...beyond all words.