Hard to be zen when the world is in such turmoil. For the past few weeks I’ve been trying to establish new routines and dedicate a number of hours to reading, mostly the books required for the analytical psychology course I’m taking. I was listening to a podcast yesterday and they were saying that in order to heal the world we have to heal ourselves first. I understand why, I get how projecting fear and hatred on others only makes the world worse but today I was unable to focus much on my reading. News outlets here have announced hours ago that a ground offensive in Gaza is about to begin so it’s hard to focus on complex theoretical issues.
Instead, I found myself buying more flowers and cleaning the house. With a vengeance. I somehow managed to break a soap dispenser and it took ages to clean the bathroom floor.
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Why am I telling you that? Is it important? Is it relevant at such an ominous moment?
I think it is. This is what defense mode means to me. There’s nothing I can do to stop whatever it’s going to happen so I’m trying to make my own refuge as nice as possible. Psychologically speaking, I’m compensating for the ugliness out there by making my personal space more pleasant.
The whole house smells of soap and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. I’ve got new plants to make the place brighter and I might go as far as lighting one of the most special scented candles I've been hoarding. Probably more than one, to be honest. Vanilla, preferably. I’m not a vanilla person by any means, so once again I’m probably compensating by burning candles every night.
As long as my house is nice and clean, I have the illusion of safety. No kind of evil can penetrate my defenses… Can it?
I hate those motivational posts on social media that tell you to be happy you have to work as this means you’re healthy enough to work or in this case - don’t complain about having to clean a house as this means you still have a house… However, at this particular moment I feel this is worth keeping in mind. I still have a house, unlike so many and that’s not counting those who will lose theirs in the coming days.
Do you have any tricks to keep yourself sane these days? At what point finding happiness in your life turns into survivor guilt?
I do stuff for my neighbors. I spent hours making a sort of shed for an outdoor freezer for a granny next door. I don't charge money for doing stuff like that, but there are compensations, like dinner for the last two days, and a pair of boots from a friend of hers. I try to help people the more I feel people need help. I can't rebuild Gaza, but I can cover my neighbors freezer.
Thanks!
That's wonderful! It must be great to have a community around you. I've spent my life living in big impersonal buildings where no one knows their next door neighbor so I'm quite isolated, but at least I have my family to care for.
I don't know if it's survivor guilt. Do I feel bad about what is happening? Terrible.
Do I feel guilty about being alive while those poor people are dead? No.
I'm not conducting or in any way condoning this war. Any war. And by creating beauty around yourself, by healing, by bringing light whichever way you can into the world, you're taking part in the offensive. The only one that matters.
So I think survivor guilt falls, in part, in propagandistic notions meant to keep you in place (at least you're not like those poor people in Gaza), and in part to the sick voices in our own heads. Only someone sick could find managing to stay alive in this traumatizing shitshow to be the survivor's fault (ergo warranting guilt).