I have a daughter who sometimes has DTMs. That stands for "Don't Touch Me." I am a very touchy-feely person, and I want to hug and caress and snuggle my children.
I want them to feel my love. I swear when I hug them for more than 20 seconds straight, I can feel the wisps of love passing through from my heart to theirs. Sometimes, I ask them if they can feel it too. "What mom?" I tell them, "My love is traveling from my heart, all the way over to yours. Can you feel it?" They can and I revel in the moment.
from my daughter
Sometimes, though, my teen doesn't want to be touched. She is upset or angry and shrinks into herself. No one can touch her. It makes my heart so sad, because I think that if I can just hold her long enough that I can heal her.
We are not all the same. People feel things in different ways and have different needs at different times. There were times when my 6 kids were under all under 8 years old. I was constantly surrounded by an army of toddlers who all wanted to hug me and love me ALL the time. Most of the time, it was amazing and dream like. Sometimes though, it was suffocating and I just needed to not be touched for a minute. I just needed to breathe. I am learning to give her space when she needs it.
We have to do that for people. People have different needs at different times, and the important thing is to be there for them in the way they need it, especially our loved ones.
This was on my mind because she has rough days sometimes. We talk through it, and I know she loves me, but there is that DTM that stands between us. I am learning that it is only temporary, and soon enough she will be ready for mommy's loves and snuggles again. (I know she is a teen, but I am still her mommy).
I wanted to share because Sunday morning she came into my room before we had to get up and get ready for the day and snuggled me. She just lay with me and I held on to her, and gratitude for the moment swept over me. I grabbed my phone and took a picture too, so that I could remember the moment.
I realize that they will become farther apart, and someday I will be wishing I could relive them. I may even forget them as the years go by. They are treasures, and I think that if I take these moments in and forget everything else while it is happening, that I may have a chance to keep it with me longer. It will also help take me through the next time I hear those awful words, "don't touch me."
I hope this helps someone else who is having rough times with someone they care about. Live in those precious moments, and remember they maybe they just need to loved differently for a bit.
Yeah, I get that.
I have two daughters... one, very much into hugs, and affection, and the other?
Almsot always NO HUGS allowed. She's usually very standoffish. She's caring, loving and all, but physical attention is a problem... so, we respect that, always Kids, they are each their own person.
This is so true. I am always amazed at how different each of my kids are. From the way they express themselves, their hobbies, and even how they learn. It has taught me to view them as individuals and give them each their own special attention. :)
Had (have) a lot of kiddos myself. Can't say any of them have DTMs tho, lol! Touchy feely here too and hugs are very very rarely refused.
Hallelujah! That is awesome. This has taught me how to give more customized loves to my kiddos.
I read this post in the morning, and it has been going around in my head for hours. I once was the teenage girl with the DMTs, and it's very moving to read this from a mother's perspective.
All I can say from my own experience is that she is likely going through her own natural process of growth, and she will come out the other side as loving as she used to be. Cherish the moments where she feels safe and comforted around you. As you say, she still needs to feel loved, maybe just differently for a bit.
This is the hardest thing to learn, so when she does come and give me hugs-i cherish them. It helps ke get through the DTMs. I know she is notnsoumg it to hurt me, and that this isn't about me. It is about what she is going through amd what she needs. I want to lovingly help her get through it. It has been very eye-opening.
6 under 8?? Do you have triplets in there or something? No wonder you're so fit—have to be. Just typing 6 under 8 hurts my fingers.
Ha ha ha. Now my oldest is 15, but yes they are just under 8 years apart. We had them approximately 18 months apart, but I did have a surprise that resulted in 15 months apart between two of my boys. :) I had 3 in diapers at one point in my parenting career. Good times.
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