Why Don't We Talk About Sex?

Adult talk.

Keep scrolling kids.

Maybe it’s the COVID lockdowns, but I’m seeing more people posting online about how lonely they are, specifically lonely for genuine sexual intimacy. These aren’t just sexually frustrated men, but also some women making it clear, in no uncertain terms, they want some D.

Having been married 16 years, it’s hard for me to imagine how difficult this is for so many people. If you know my story, you know Corinne and I were virgins when we got married and didn’t even really kiss until the pastor said “you may now kiss the bride.” We were part of a church that, looking back, could be accurately described as cultish with strict rules on courtship. It is what it is, and I have no regrets. I made my decision to “say no” to opportunities for sex before joining that church, so I don’t blame them.

Sure, you can argue there are many experiences we’ve limited ourselves from ever having. My single and polyamorous friends not involved in committed relationships can certainly argue for their position being more exciting, interesting, and dynamic. They may be right, but there are also downsides. There are a lot of hurting, lonely people who, in some cases, have an almost animalistic rage inside right now, needing fulfillment. This leads to porn addictions, escorts, strip clubs, etc which may bring some temporary relief, but the real thing, that has no substitute.

To be clear, my main point is about committed relationships involving people living together to have regular access to each other and each other’s needs, and not about the style of what that committed relationship looks like. By mentioning single and poly examples, I was more referring to lifestyles which value less commitment over more commitment. In the case of committed relationships between polyamorous consenting individuals or single people who have regular, committed “f*ck buddies”, that doesn’t apply to my point. I don't want to mis-categorize polyamorous relationships as non-committed as that's certainly not the case for many polyamorous relationships.

Being with a partner who really wants to be with you just as much is priceless. And yes, that’s not something you can only find within the legal structure of marriage (don’t misunderstand my point). This connectedness empowers success in other areas of life. And sometimes, in a true expression of love and sacrifice, the desire isn’t equal in that moment due to fatigue, hormone levels, the events of the day, or whatever and yet deferring to the needs of the other is so powerful. There are times women want to be taken and men want to take. There are times women want to surprise their man with initiation and direct the activities while at other times, lie back and be, well, serviced. 🙂

These realities are some of the most basic, most primal, most foundational to what gives joy and eros love to our existence and yet how often are they discussed in “polite” conversation? How many Facebook posts have you scrolled by before seeing this one that talk about sex and our need for it in a healthy way?

Sometimes I wonder why so few people talk about their sex life. Is it because the men haven’t put in the work to learn how to please their woman? Is it because the women aren’t being properly pleased? How much shame, guilt, and avoidance are attached to these topics? Is it because marriages have lost their excitement and aren’t continually trying new things and working to expertly navigate each changing moment and the right approach to desire in that context? Is it because people are too insecure to ask for what they want because they fear rejection? Is it because single people expressing their angst about not getting any might paint themselves as undesirable or on the flip side talking about great encounters leading to slut shaming or “toxic masculinity” labels?

We’re all in this together. Some people are hurting. In the most extreme sense, this can lead to terrible outcomes. As NVC (non-violent communication) states, violence is a tragic expression of an unmet need. According to Maslow’s Hierarchy, once your physiological and safety needs are met, love and belonging are next, even more important than esteem and self-actualization. Maybe the reason we don’t have more self-actualized and transcendent humans walking around is they haven’t figured out all this sex stuff.

Don’t wait for someone to teach you. Go do your own research and by that I don’t mean through fake-sex porn where people are being paid to pretend and “act” out a scene that may not accurately reflect the needs and desires of the types of people you are seeking in a partner. Learn what real women really want. Learn what real men really want. Knowing both will help you know your own kinky oddities and what is more mainstream. Most importantly, put in the work to know your partner. He or she is the graduate school level education you need, and it never ends because they are always changing, just as you are.

If this post offends your delicate sensibilities and you think it’s inappropriate for a Sunday morning, I politely asks you to grow the F up. Not acknowledging your real needs and the needs of those around you is avoidance which ultimately leads to suffering and pain (just as the opposite extreme of unhealthy attachment does).

Let’s be real together. We might find out that we are just what we are looking for.

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