Virgin to 19 Monogamous Years. AMA.

I’ve been married 19 years and both of us have only ever had sex with each other. Ask me anything.

Interesting thoughts in this Jordan Peterson video on the impact of reliable birth control in the 1960’s. How are we figuring out what “the rules for sex” should be in this never-before-in-the-history-of-humanity paradigm?

He claims there’s a strong proclivity accross cultures for social enforcement of long-term monogamy and that sex doesn’t work very well outside of committed relationships. One casualty is emotional intimacy.

Do you agree?

Corinne and I have been married for over nineteen years. We’re among the few that followed the rule he describes of no sex before or outside of marriage. Yes, that means we were both virgins when we got married, and we’ve only ever “known” (in the Biblical sense) each other. I made some strong choices in high school and college and declined opportunities to break this rule, but it was in many ways dogmatically enforced via religion that I don’t follow in the same way today.

We have a really amazing life and family and those who know us well and have observed us closely over time (regardless of their own life choices) agree what we have is very special. I’m quite happy with the result and the fun Corinne and I still have together, continuing to learn and enjoy each other. Back in the day, it was a difficult choice to make that was essentially made for me. “This is my identity and this is what I don’t do as that identity.”

Some who have chosen differently are confused by how this was even possible in my life, thinking I must be some strange human who doesn’t experience the power of sexuality the way they do. I don’t think that’s true in general, though I acknowledge the very wide range of preferences possible. If you think as a male my sex drive must be lower than yours to have stayed a virgin until I was 25 or to have stayed committed to one woman since now that I’m 44, ask my wife. I most likely have vary similar intensities as you.

I also recognize the importance of tradeoffs. I have friends that have made other tradeoffs. Some have very promiscuous sex, others have “regulars” they stick to, others are in very committed non-monogamous relationships, and yes still others are mostly following “the rule” of sex within a committed monogamous marriage, though they may have explored a bit “when they were young.”

The reason I’m sharing this video and thinking about this stuff right now is that much of the human experience seems unconscious to me and unexamined. We’re doing things we often aren’t even comfortable talking about. We’re exploring activities without enough experience (and sometimes wisdom) to understand the consequences of our actions.

I understand I’m missing out on something others (typically males due sexual dimorphism, Bateman’s Principle, lower reproductive cost, etc.) really enjoy. My wife understandably gets annoyed when I use language like this, and that’s understandable because she doesn’t have a penis and can’t fully understand my human experience, biologically, and how that impacts my thoughts, desires, fantasies, etc. I’m aware (to some degree) of the tradeoffs I’m choosing. I’m also deeply enjoying the results of my choice, present with the costs of the tradeoff.

I realize that many people have spent their whole lives without really knowing people like us. People who “followed the rule”, waited until marriage, and stayed committed. Maybe all they’ve known is broken promises and broken families. Because of this, some people may not know what tradeoffs they are making because they haven’t really engaged with alternatives enough to know their benefits.

So yeah. Ask me anything. Instead of using social media to talk about things that ultimately don’t really matter, let’s talk about sex, something that drives our whole species forward. We have demographics issues worldwide. Let’s talk about what works, what doesn’t, what is just personal preference, and what we should teach our kids.

This stuff is important and defines our lives.

Let’s be wise about it.

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I first shated this on Facebook and the AIs there dont like promoting competing platforms, so I reshared the text and used an AI to create an image to go with it. Hilarious how much the resilt proves the point regarding this not being something power structures wabt people talking about.