First Posts Are Kind-of Scary: But I’m here for the progress — not perfection.

After you hit publish, what do you feel? I’m fairly new to actually publishing my writing. I’ve dabbled with it in the past, but until recently most of my writing has been hiding away in a leather bound journal — not available for all to see. So when I hit publish , I often have a whirlwind of emotions. Something that's even more true when starting on a new site like steemit. My techie husband told me that "I had to blog on steemit" because he believes in block-chain, so here I am blogging blindly on a new platform and hoping for the best!

Every post brings feelings of excitement, pride and joy - a first post - WHOA! Super Exciting!

...then there are feelings that take a bit more of my energy and a whole lot more time to process — like vulnerability, embarrassment and feeling like an impostor. What if those feelings never go away? Am I okay with having to overcome these emotional hurdles daily? Does it mean I’m not cut out for this? Should I got back into hiding for another two years? Fuck no.

The alternative to working through these scary feelings and emotions is my own personal hell on earth — apathy. When you resign yourself to a life of apathy (especially when it is caused by an underlying mental health challenge) you’ve given the world permission to move on without you.

The daily challenge of writing from as deep as my ego allows me to go — that shit is terrifying, but it’s also therapeutic and massively important. I’m giving myself a daily nudge to be seen and heard, while finally allowing for others to become a part of my story.

I can’t stop now, I’ve come too far.

Last night after I wrote an article detailing my ongoing battle with sexual shame, I immediately went back into hiding. I felt uncomfortable, vulnerable and just plain stupid. Why would I think anyone would want to read what I wrote?

So instead of walking proudly into this amazing life I was creating, I slid backwards into a space of self-doubt and I'm not sure that post will see the light of day. Today, instead of starting the day feeling proud of myself and capable — I felt disgusted with my lack of progress and entirely ashamed.

This cycle cannot continue.

How do I stop this? How do write without the consequences of shame or worry of not fully understanding this new platform? I’m hoping the answer is as simple as most things — practice and repetition.

I just won’t allow myself to stop hitting post— every fucking day. Working through the emotions, facing the garbage in my head and forcing it to get the fuck out. I won’t allow shame or fear to have a seat at the table. I plan on getting really fucking stubborn and not stopping until the pride I feel in my accomplishments smothers every trace of the shame.

So here I go - blindly hitting "POST" and moving forward — ignoring the voice reminding me that I’m not good enough. After all, I’m here for the progress — not perfection.

Hi, my name is Rachel. I'm excited to get to know more about the steemit community and meet the forward thinking cool people who spend time here :)

xoxo - Rachel