Random thoughts by Luciano Doest
Fungi their life cycle have a very variable length. Some stick around for years, while others survive for hours. This mostly depends on the species, but the circumstances being favourable is just as important. They are one of my reminders that we are here today and gone tomorrow.
I did not read up on how it would feel like. I just did it. In this moment in life where everything felt empty, sad, and unnecessary. I saw no tomorrow. So I tried to make sure that would match reality. I did not want a tomorrow. Not after I watched my grandfather suffer from cancer for months. Seeing the elder of my family suffer so much and give up. After his funeral, I swallowed the pills he had left behind. I tried to get as much as possible in me. Thinking I would not wake up after. I was just done with living.
The body does not give up that easily. I am unsure if that is for the better or for the worse. If you try to overdose, most likely you’ll survive.
I opened my eyes the next afternoon. Still feeling completely empty inside. I could not feel my body. I could not move my body for hours and hours. I do not know how much time passed. When I could move my body, it didn’t move like it needed to. So I spent days in bed. Just getting up to drink and use the toilet.
It was nice of my then boyfriend to take me out days later. To cheer me up. He cheated on me right afterward, and I got obsessed with making things work with him. We continued that farce for about half a year more. Before he got rid of me. I do not know what possessed me to try and make things work with him. He lied constantly. He knew it would hurt me, but hey he wanted more relationships. So his strategy was to break me down, so he could build me up the way he wanted me to be. Someone who is polyamorous. He was so sure about wanting a relationship with one of his friends, not with me though. He always told me it was nothing, but it was his second relationship. I really cannot explain why anyone would do that to anyone. It’s sad to think that was my life and that I was living this great big lie.
I pushed down the memory of my suicide attempt, because I had more pressing matters. I thought I was going to lose my boyfriend if I was not present. Likewise, I wish I could tell myself that he was losing me no matter what. Because lying came too naturally to him. I wish I could tell myself I was never going to be enough for him. He just did not have the heart to tell me that and lied so much instead. The lies really do haunt me. He wanted marriage, kids, and a white picket fence. I did not see the second boyfriend and other creeps he was trying to start relationships with behind my back in that vision. It feels so unfair to give someone you’re everything, and you were just one of them. Life is never going to be fair, but it does get to me.
The memories of my suicide attempt came back to me when I had a major burnout. It felt like I was dying. I had no feeling, no taste, and my body was just being its worst. It was then when I was hoping the pain would just leave me alone, in my bed, that I saw myself in this exact situation before. Only the last time I purposely did it to myself. I did not know what to do with that memory. To this day, I have moments where I think I should have already been dead. What am I doing here? None of it matters if you’re dead.
I can be the life of the party. Many have never seen me angry or sad. Yet sometimes I look around me and think I don’t want any of it. I don’t want to be.
I’ll be reflecting on this for the rest of my life. Did I give up because of sadness? Did I give up because I’m not willing to put in the work to better myself? Did I give up because I am afraid of failing?
There’s been so many times I have thought about doing it again. I try to stay aware of it being a bad moment for me mentally and emotionally. They’re right though. People who want to kill themselves just do it. I mean I just did it. I failed, but I was very serious at the time.
After a long period of unemployment that was an emotional rollercoaster ride, I tried picking myself up again. I’m sorry to inform you that it didn’t quite work. I feel myself going between, I deserve better in life and I don’t want to live, a lot.
The thought keeps coming back to me. I already killed myself. I can do it again. What exactly am I waiting for?
I find myself breathing through these thoughts in my bed. Especially in stressful times. I don’t know if anyone’s heard about Suriname. Suriname is in horrible shape financially, and it affects the whole population. Last weekend I gave up again. There was pandemonium at the gas stations. The price of gas is going to rise again. I do not even have a driveable car. Yet these images of people struggling for gas, pretty sure I saw some cry, coloured my outlook on life grey. I really do not feel like I have a future in this country. You can toil away and work as hard as you possibly can, but that won’t fix the broken economy. At this point, I think nothing ever will. We will just be getting empty promises from politicians, till we are able to “squeeze money from rocks” as one the former finance minister of Greece once said.
I am unsure of what to do in this mental state. I can only try to keep myself stable. Not only that, but I can try not to be choked to death by the price of everything reaching for the sky. I’m just not sure if this is the living I wanted to do. Especially after giving life a second chance. For now, I will do my best to be patient. I saw the stressed-out face of people trying to get gas, and I had to fight the urge to just end it. This time around, I do know what could make the overdose work.
I’m pretty sure this urge might never leave me. I have to try and keep myself busy or calm in bad mental states. I tried giving myself something to look forward to. It’s weird to say that it looks like I cannot afford to do much if I stay in this country. If nothing gets better here. I mean the basic things everyone wants. A house, a car, and travel. It is such a pipe dream in Suriname now. I live month to month. That sure does feel like a life not really worth living.
Ultimately, life is a choice we make. It really is. I chose to stick around, but I will always have doubts. I cannot speak for future me. If I will keep making the choice.
These questions are on my mind and will never leave me. Why am I still here? What for? What do I think I still want out of this life?
What are we really living for?