Gosh, I can’t say for sure as I’m not a psychotherapist. I sure hope Adam Park answers this one as he works a lot with attachment.
As a client, my projection is that the therapist would have the relationship so internalized that he wouldn’t need to see the client or even think about the client a whole lot in order to still hold that client in his heart. I’m extrapolating from how my experience of my relationship with M has grown and developed, especially in those times that we are not together.
At first I felt the need to reach out to him, or read something on his blog (it helped if he’d posted it very recently), just to make sure he was still there, or hadn’t forgotten about me since last seeing me. That gave way to some kind of confidence that he did at times still think of me when not with me—that was confirmed a few times. One interesting example was that for random scheduling purposes, he texted me twice while on vacation. So when we met for session I told him that I knew for a fact that he’d thought of me while on his vacation. He replied by beginning to wax eloquently on how ideally a therapist doesn’t think about his clients while on vacation. I get it, but didn’t want to hear it, so I interrupted with, “Oh, c’mon, don’t burst my bubble!” to which he laughed.
There were a couple other times when I knew that he’d taken some training or done some extra reading and studying with me in mind, so that exposed my mind to the idea that someone could actually be proactively thinking about me while not being in contact with me during that time. Pretty awesome, honestly. that’s one of the therapeutic realities I was journaling about while on my recent vacation, actually.
When it came to ruptures, at first I felt as if a misunderstanding shook the very foundations of our relationship, and I felt like we had to fix it ASAP. One time we had a misunderstanding over text—it was supposed to be just about scheduling but he had to crack a little joke which landed with me completely wrong. I could tell my feelings were spiraling out of control so I called him and left a message. He called me back about an hour later and ten minutes later, we had that rupture worked through. He told me it was good that I’d called him rather than sitting with all these uncomfortable feelings.
After that experience, I developed a higher tolerance for ruptures hanging over our heads. It was like suddenly I could be OK with having something unresolved between us, and still feeling our connection to each other was secure. Yeah, that still blows my mind, but I’ve lived it. That led to me noting rupture material and then bringing it up based on an overall priority list. Sometimes there were things already on my list that still felt more urgent than working through rupture A, B or C. So the rupture might not be brought up for a few weeks or even months… and it was all still fine and worked through at the right time.
Right now I have a greater sense that nothing is going to shake our relationship and attachment. I just sent him a very vulnerable email. I used to have so much trouble tolerating the time between when I’d sent it and when he either replied or I could see him in session. Now, I’m aware of difficult feelings, but they no longer have the power to determine truth. They’re there, and likely indicate the need for more healing… but they don’t shake the confidence I have that M will receive what I brought to him with anything but kindness and empathy and a willingness to work through all of it with me.
What I’m getting at is that over the course of my therapy I have been able to internalize my relationship with M such that it feels solid and stable in the midst of all the currents of feelings related to my current mental state and our work. I no longer need to hear from him just to know he’s there or that he and I are still OK. Sure, I still ruminate at times, but also can recognize rumination for what it is.
I can see this getting to the point where even prolonged lack of communication between us won’t shake this more internalized sense of him being in my life. That would be what happens when therapy ends. A good therapist should have all of these issues largely worked through in order to help clients such as myself. So I think that when the time comes to end our work, whatever that means, he would not cease to care for me but would simply hold this permanent spot for me in his heart that would require very little in the way of “maintenance” on his part. And I think it would be the same for me.