Turbulence

“It’s supposed to be fun, turning 21”

No, it was not.

Well, at least for me.

I spent my 21st birthday, alone in the living room where I also sleep. I have two roommates who lived with me at that time, but I felt lonely in their company. We live in an apartment that has two bedrooms, but I had to sleep in the living room, on the floor, because they don't want to share a room with me because of how loud I snore when I sleep. It felt terrible. I left the apartment and started to live by myself again now so I’m over it.

Anyway, as a child, I thought that when I turn 21, I will at least have figured myself out, or at least have a concrete plan for my future. Unfortunately, I don't.

Before Typhoon Odette struck Cebu, I'm not performing well in my job. I get internally angry over minor details, and it stressed me out to the point that I have to fake my sickness just to skip work. My friend always reminds me to be mindful of this kind of attitude because she knows that my only source of income was my crappy job. I was also given a last warning from my boss, that if I skip a shift without notifying them, I will be kicked out of the company. One of the reasons why I skip shifts is because I feel so unappreciated. I do my best to satisfy and reach the client's needs, but I see no recognition of my efforts. They just see us as a cog in their wheel.

After some deep thinking and realization, I decided to change my mindset and see how things play out. I'll try to be optimistic with my job, and try to restore the enthusiasm I had when I landed my first job. I even braved to travel from our province to the city, just so I can go back to work, even if the storm was already brewing. During the typhoon, I was not able to go to work. The next day, I went to the office to check if there will be a shift. I am so disappointed that most of us were not given a window of time to recuperate from the aftermath of the typhoon. It made me sick to my stomach, that I have to fake a sickness again so that I don't have to go to work. I went back home to the province and immediately sent a resignation letter to one of my bosses that I was able to reach out to.

It might sound impulsive, but I have already thought about it a million times. I also planned about what I should do next if I do send that letter. I also tried to look for the good in the company I was working for, but we were treated as corporate slaves. I've had enough.

Though I had planned on what to do next, it took me a month to be able to stand back up again. I resigned last December 2021, and I was able to land a job by the end of January 2022. It was a very long month for me. I do nothing but stare at an empty space thinking if what I did was a good decision, while I wait for updates from the companies I've sent my resume to.

A tragic thing also happened within my family. My grandmother was hospitalized because of the lump that she had on her breast. She's out of the hospital now, but I was very anxious and drained for the whole week that she was in there. Though my cousin was taking care of her inside the hospital, my job was to wait for commands outside. I was tasked to buy the medicine and the food that she needs to take. Due to COVID-19 restrictions, I am not allowed to enter her room to personally deliver the goods she needs. I had to leave it in the lobby where the security guard will take it to her room.

You see, I might have other relatives that can assist me, or take my place for a day, but I felt the need to show her that I do care for her. We had a history of an argument that almost tore the family apart. We’re not related by blood, that's why she doesn't show me the same affection she shows to my cousins. I'm very anxious because there is a chance that my efforts will be overlooked, and taken for granted. While she was in the hospital, I received a notification about when my training will start. I prayed a lot for her fast recovery because I don't want to leave the province with her still stuck in the hospital, and with my relatives who are rather unwilling to take care of her. Thankfully, she got out a week before I left.

Being 21 is frustrating. Some people are already ahead of me with their careers despite being younger than me. Most of my batch mates are already 75% complete with their journey with education, and I am stuck here afraid. To be honest, I’m afraid to go back to school. I’m afraid that I might not be able to balance a work-study lifestyle. I’m afraid to be such a huge disappointment. My parents are not getting any younger, and all of the pressure is on me because I am an only child. I’m also making decisions that don’t make sense. There are some things that I do despite knowing that it is completely wrong. And it sucks because I know that I have complete control over it, but I act like I don’t. I know that this is still the start of my journey, but it is tiring. For once, I want my mind to stop overanalyzing things. I want to make better judgments. I want to be productive and have a better contribution to the community. I want to learn the art of being happy while being alone. I want to have clarity. But I guess I just need to wait and let time, fate, and destiny do their thing.

This has been a very long post and it might not make sense, but these are my thoughts. This is what I feel. I’m still looking forward to what being a 21-year-old guy brings for me. I’ve written this at 4 a.m. because my body clock is in shambles due to the schedule of my work, and also this is the time when my brain is overly active and can’t stop thinking about things. If you’ve reached this far, thank you for being patient with me, and for reading this blog. I hope you find happiness in your life. You deserve it.

Drew