The theme of suicide is troubling to me. It is for that reason which makes me want to pry, as to what is the cause of the suffering of which you allude? Is it financial worries? Lonelyness issues? Depression? Anxieties? Or maybe combinations of the same? It is asked without judgement but only to better understand.
Apologies, I saw Your presponse only now.
It is all of the above. What was planned to be a vacation in order to recover from loss and hardship after escaping the 2018 volcanic eruption in my neighborhood "Leilani Estates" on Hawai'i Island, turned out to be nothing short of a death sentence. After having been hit by lightning, my mental health turned worse than it already was. A black hole swallowed me. When I was finally ready to leave this place, boarding was denied based on faulty health certificates for my Felines and the first troubles of an ensuing pandemic. Based on the pandemic, I was denied returning to Bavaria, because thus place here was on germany's red alert list. Then came mandatory vaccination for air travelers - my health condition does not allow for "vaccination". Then my father died based on a broken heart over my inability to leave here. Then my mom's dementia kicked in and she was admitted into a closed care facility. When the mandate for air travelers was rescinded, I realized that my passport will expire too soon to be able to return to the states. For over a year I have worked for a table manufacture - but never paid entirely. It is really the sum of adverse life events that has erased any hope I had for getting back on my feet. Destitute and with failing health, it us my two Felines who are keeping me going. The saddest thing above all is, that I was a humorous, witty and funny person before my life partner died. To regain my energy and joy for life has been my main goal for a long time. Yet, I get dished out one whopper after another. And I am still suffering from cold and damp weather. The anxiety and panic attacks I have learned to manage and I listen to a very soothing Ganesha Mantra that calms me down when things get too heavy. And of course reading resonses from You. You can surely imagine that the lack of feedback is not uplifting either. But I understand that people do not want to read about things they don't want to experience themselves.
Thank You again. I treasure Your responses.
Reading your reply reminded me of two points in my life; finding myself broke and destitute in foreign lands. Once in Morocco and another time in India. Being a younger man it may have been easier for me to get back on my feet; yet the fear and isolation of those times is still haunting to me. Your reply rekindled those feelings and gives me great empathy of your plight.
Are your cats now able to travel?
Yes, dear, they are also eager to leave. I told them that things will get better if we just get once more on saner grounds, or I should say: warmer grounds...
Felix (Grey and White) and Oscar - my life preservers