I'm sitting up, and I can't really sleep.
In 22 hours it will be the seventh of September. In 22 hours, it will be a year since we lost @lauralemons.
It will be a whole 365 days since my tragically beautiful friend was snuffed out and the world lost a bright spot that I could never describe.
My melancholy, morbid, broken, amazing friend. There aren't a lot of days that go by when I don't think of her, at least once. Even though her bracelet that I wear every day, and panic when I feel it attempt to slide off my arm, is less of a constant reminder of her, but more a part of myself now... it is still Laura. It's my little piece that I carry with me.
I knew when she died that I couldn't take her with me anymore. I couldn't message her and tell her how life has turned around. There is no grave for me to visit and mourn at. There is no park bench with a plaque that says "in memory". It's just me, this bracelet, a dread of her hair, and a mild case of survivor's guilt.
And a pain that I bury deep, deep inside.
When she got me onto steemit, I found that I spent most of my time here. I was in chatrooms on discord. I was making friends. I was talking to who would soon end up being my partner. I was busy networking and trying to make it here.
I can't tell you how many messages towards the end of her life were me saying "I'm sorry! I just saw this! What's up?". Those messages, now, eat me up inside. Once I realized, I was there for her more often. I messaged more often. I talked to her, I checked in.
But there is still that floating sad face that she sent me at 3am. The one that I never saw. The one I didn't see in time. And that one haunts me the most.
If I called, I could have talked her down again, probably. I could have rented her for a little longer. Prolonged the inevitable that I had been doing since Befie died and she wanted so badly to join her.
But then I think of Befie. How I was supposed to be at her house that weekend. We had been friends since we were 11 years old. If I had been there like I was supposed to... she wouldn't have drowned in that bathtub. She, too, flirted with death. I, like with Laura, begged her back from the ledge.
And they... are both still dead. And I'm here, pretty confident that I could have at least stalled them for a little bit longer. If I had been a bit more diligent. If I had been... a better, more attentive friend.
In the end... have I caused two deaths by my absence?
Or was I just ill-fated to be so closely tied to them both?
I would spend this post talking about how amazing Laura was. How amazing Befie was. But anyone that knows either of them at all, or even just Laura, already knows this. Laura was always big on processing emotions. She walked me through so many, as I did with her. And I know she would want me to spend the anniversary of her death looking back on our friendship and the things that have transpired since.
And I know she wouldn't want me to hurt the way that I do. Think the way that I do. Because she always told me... that someday she was going to get suicide right and I needed to prepare myself to go on without her.
I have. And I will continue to go on without her. Never without her memory, though.
Never without the little piece of her that is nestled deep in my heart and aches sometimes at night.
The part of me that wishes we had of had that movie night we were planning for October. Where I would travel all the way up there to sit on her bed, wear silly pjs, and watch Forensic Files with Mouse. She was going to make me her veggie scrap soup in the crockpot and we were gonna drink cheap beer and have snacks.
I miss my weird friend. Even though I know she is never gone as long as she lives on in me, and the amazing things she brought into my life before she left.
Tomorrow, I will light a candle, and I will read some chapters in the Charles Bronson books she bought for me. I'll tie the fourth knot in the ever stretching elastic band on her bracelet so it's a little tighter.
And I will carry on like she told me to.
I love you, Laura. And I'm still kinda pissed that you didn't haunt me. <3
It breaks my heart that it’s already been a year. You were lucky enough to know her in person and it sounds like you guys had so much fun together! You clearly were an incredible friend to both Laura and Befie and I really hope you don’t blame yourself for all of this! As it appears that you do in this post 😞.
Sadly we can only do so much sometimes! I feel the same way all the time. I feel like I could have done more for Laura to make her life easier. But sadly it’s not possible to go back in time. Even then she seemed mostly set on it. So maybe it wouldn’t have changed much. I just wish this all could have been avoided somehow :(
If you need anything let me know! ❤️
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Right!! Id want my Bff to haunt me. This made me cry. So sad. I just found you to follow so I was reading your stuff. you should start posting again<3
I had a few conversations with Laura via steemchat. The last message I sent I thanked her for her honest posts that address real issues that are too often not talked about, and how combined with her art she had been a great help to me.
My life was effected by suicide at a very young age. It moulded my career choice to work in mental health. I can't work anymore due to sickness. I can't do much of anything.
I haven't been on steemit much as my health is not good. For a long time I have put this aside and dug up something. It has been harder to dug lately.
Honouring your friend and the fabulous person some of us got to see a side of gives many people a voice. While you carry guilt of circumstance that you could not have anticipated, your continual conversation I believe has assisted many people.
Carry a torch for them and honour them, and please know that you have enriched and rescued many people too.
I haven't posted lately because I feel that my diminished life is a representation of me. I feel like nothing and have not the energy or enthusiasm to post.
Writing here, right now you have connected me again to this platform that has many times been my saving grace.
So today, in honour of your friend and not by chance but by your continued living in her honour you have contributed significantly to saving a person.
Me.
Thanks.
Yes I remember...
You do well in representing, Stitchy. I also remember when you were new here and I was still pretty noobish myself, but I thought I was "old hat" at steem. Ahh the bittersweet melancholy... I will go so far as to say you had nothing to do with their departures, and everything to do with their staying with us just a bit longer. The "professionals" could likely have done no better than you did, and likely far worse. I love you and your SammoSK and your dearly departed friends. I may dream about this tonight but I kinda hope I do not 😥
This is an incredible write-up of what is such a sad story. There's not much to add. There's just life, and the parts you play in it are often over and underestimated. Both equally, and sometimes both at the same time. It's so complex. Nothing is ever only one thing. Know that. It's not that one thing that haunts you. But I understand the feeling, the thoughts, everything. Hugs.
This post was upvoted for being original, creative and all around amazing.
Keep up the excellent work! Thank you for being a supporter.
Full Steem Ahead!! <3
I admire your strength. Maybe you don't feel strong, I don't know. But I can only imagine how much this hurts and respect your ability to keep on going, somehow. I've never had a close friend pass. I don't have any magic words for consolation. But I know that the love you shared is forever, and I appreciate your willingness to share a little piece of it with all of us.
I am so sorry for your loss. And the fact you added those sweet drawings... Love is never gone
What a moving story. You are brave for sharing this. I'm sure you've heard it gets easier, not better, just easier. Much good vibes to you... <3
May her soul rest in peace. Take heart
I would like to come over to hug you as long as you want and give you as many handkerchiefs as you need.
What an incredible loss. :(
Wow this is one emotional post to read. That's so terribly sad that you lost both of them, and I feel some kind of guilt in your words because you didn't see the sad emoji in time. But if you blame yourself, you shouldn't. From what I can read here, you were one hell of a good friend, and I think you can be proud of the times that you talked Laura out of her plans to kill herself. Take care, I hope you got through the day .. <3
You probably kept them both around longer than you realise.
There's an excellent chance other friends have decided not to leave us because of your friendship.
We don't see what people don't do. The tragedies we prevent don't happen so there's no evidence of them.
I cannot believe it has already been a year, if you did light that candle I hope it burned long and bright. Thank you for sharing such personal feelings over these situations. I am so sorry for both these people close to you having passed in the ways they did way too soon, so many positive vibes your way for you to continue to be strong for any loved ones you have with you, and most importantly be strong for yourself.
Sending <3
You can't be responsible for another adult. We can love them and help them, but, ultimately, they are responsible for themselves. My heart goes out to your pain.
My dear – I just want you to know how much this post touched me. You weren't there to hear, but I shilled this post during the Helpie meeting last Friday.
I've had it open, waiting for a quiet moment to be able to offer my reflections. Yet my days have been too full, and I haven't felt capable of responding in the way that this post so clearly deserves.
Soooo – please know that I think you are such a magnificent human with a sincerely beautiful heart. It's things like that bracelet that so meaningfully encircles your wrist – and the story behind it – that make you so.
Sending hugs...
xo • zippy
2stichybitch I am so sorry about all this, let her go, she is in a better place than we are, she is not guilty of her menthal inability. Try to be happy remembering the good part of your friendship
All the love stitchy hugs
I miss her too. She was the first Steemian to really engage with my content. She was always full of encouragement and great humor.
Tomorrow night, I'll be making a post on my plans to immortalize her just a little bit more on this blockchain.
She was the very best of us.
Lost my best friend when I was 13. All the healing energy I have to you tonight!
Exercising and breathing exercises help.
This was sad to read. That is all I can say. Take care of yourself @stitchybitch
still remember that sad episode, so unfortunate it was. from my few interactions with her, she always came off as a lovely person, and I can only hope she's now found some happiness in a better place...
Don't beat yourself up so much; some things are just meant to happen the way they did. We even have people here whose traditional names loosely translates to, "things that happened, happened just the way it should." I think some of these things will happen if it was meant to be with or without your effort to stop it. The life we live is not fair, some things that life throws at us is just straight out of Unfair Land. My condolences to you on the loss of your friends and others we have lost in this journey called life.
Jesus Stitchy.
I'd really like to give you some words, but you and I both know that there aren't any.
I guess (and that's the best I've got) that all I really have is the knowing, and now you know that I know. That we know.
Thanks. I have a small idea what that post cost you. I don't think I have the stuff of that.
Sending you some ❤️
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Why you named your account like that?
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I don't think you've seen any of my posts on laura. I've made a couple in the past few weeks and several all in all.
Laura told me befie was not a suicide.
I miss laura a ton. But as you said, you were "renting " her. She chose that day as it was her father's birthday and she had been attempting it for years on this day.
😢 what a memory @stitchybitch, so sorry for your loss. But I'm glad that you've found somebody through steemit/discord 😊 you're so cool for sharing this story with us. Its inspiring though.
I think I need to check on my friends who were always there for me in the past just to make sure that they're alive and enjoy their life too. Don't blame yourself and you've made the right decision to keep your best memory with her and keep moving on, she probably wants you to be happy too.
Thanks to @anouk.nox, this post was resteemed and highlighted in today's edition of The Daily Sneak.
Thank you for your efforts to create quality content!
Hi @stitchybitch! This post touched me and many others around the platform. I am a curator for the You Got Snekked curation project and this is just to let you know that...:
You got SNEKKED! ;)
Expect a certain Snek to come 'round and give you a bite soon ;)
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I feel you, I have a friend who has been at the edge for many years, I constantly reminded myself to check on her to make sure I did not lose her to the other side. Just remember it's not your fault at all as we cannot control what meant to happen.
Hey! Come back to steemit. Haha. I remember when you just started and you were doing so well!
Oh, hey! I might at some point! It has just been hard to write sometimes! How have you been?!
Thank you for caring! <3 <3 <3
It's almost like work. Haha. But I think it is well worth it. Ya know. After looking back I shouldn't have stopped. Could have made 1000 bucks.
:/
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