Isolation is a pretty rough thing to deal with, but all it takes is a little empathy to bring people together and give them that extra boost of morale they need.

You know, I voluntarily isolate myself due to some reasons for quite a while now and it's been hard. I wish there are someone out there who could really understand what's on my mind but there isn't. It's not that some close people I know didn't offer help. They do but I don't think they truly get my experience and how broken I am about it. They mostly tell me all the nice things I want to hear instead actually getting me to improve myself.

I put on happy face and tried to stay positive. But I couldn't help to think about suicide a lot these days. Even today, when I went out to get a meal, I was about to stay longer in the middle of the road but sanity prevails. I walked home thinking how it would be problematic for others and my close family if I committed suicide. I mean prior several years, I was never this suicidal but last and this year, it was just intense. I keep convincing myself these days that things will be fine and there are other ways to deal with everything.

My natural response to a problem was always fixing it. Yet, these days I just want to runaway or hide, or kill myself.

I've tried slowly to introduce myself back into things and start getting back into a relatively healthy lifestyle again, but I fall back into alcoholism and going for night walks that bring me home at 9AM. Nothing is really helping, but I do know something: there's always someone else feeling considerably worse than I am at any given time.

I have been doing the same thing. I try to get into more productive lifestyle, trying to study again but I fall back to my bad habit since sometimes I don't have the energy to even get up from my bed. I was never this way and that is the most frustrating of all. Knowing that parts of you change not for the better but for worse.

And What's even worse to me is that no matter how many of these so called brain mood boster and shit like that, it didn't help. Meditate, exercise, whatever pseudoscience prescribed for depression, I tried it all. It's still there.

BTW, whenever I read your blog, I just sort of feel you are my twin.