Depression and Anxiety Journal #1

My trip to Arizona with my parents is coming to an end. I fly back home late next Tuesday night and arrive early Wednesday morning.

I had been hoping that this trip would help to recharge the batteries as I haven't been doing well with my depression. I am tired, worn out, and don't know that I can continue this battle anymore.

Last year I got a feeling that this summer would be my last and that feeling triggered a confirmation thought. I had been hoping that this trip would help to change that but I fear that it has only solidified that feeling and thoughts.

I am not giving up yet. I plan on getting a Psychiatric Service Dog (PSD) as I have been told by everyone on my medical team that having a dog can make a huge impact on how we feel.

I have to get a PSD because the condo building I rent in has a no pets allowed bylaw so I need the dog to be a service dog in order to have it at the condo.

I am also going to be talking to my doctors about Ketamine, and a new treatment called Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS). It is a new treatment that uses high powered magnetics with a device that is held over the head on either the right side or the left side of the brain.

I'm not sure how they decide which side to start on, but if there aren't any on the one side of the brain then they switch to the other side of the brain. The magnetics are supposed to penetrate deep into the brain to trigger the proper chemicals that cause depression.

I have been on every medication and medication combination the doctors could throw at me and am now left with waiting for the next new medication to hit the market and hope that it works.

I have been treatment resistant to all the medications and combinations that we have tried.

I am so tired of dealing with this severe chronic depression. I don't have much fight left in me and I am not even sure there is enough of me left to save.

But I will continue to pray to God for healing and to show me my purpose in this life until the very end.

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