Accountability by Design

As time goes by and I pile on more and more experiences, both good and bad, and as I come to terms with my own life, I find that thr urgency I used to feel had disappated.

I still want things, but none of them feel as absolutely necessary as they used to. I’ve failed at so much but I don’t feel like a failure. I want the thigns I wanted just as much as I wanted them before, but I need them less.

That places them within my reach.

I can feel clearly now that the urgency I felt only ended up distracting me. When you want so much so badly and don’t feel at peace, you flitter back and forth without getting much done.

That was me for a long time. I’d crash out often and become depressed at how hard things were.

Now, with a cooler head, the effort I make is probably 30 times more effective, and so I can afford to make less of it. But I still need to keep these desires and dreams in mind, otherwise they’ll dissipate; they will cease to exist.

I used to study languages for hours a day and hardly get anything done. Now I learn a word a minute.

I used to practice guitar for months only to improve a little. Now I can make a month of progress in a single weekend.

That’s the difference a clear head makes.

But as this becomes easier and as I have less physical energy compared to before, it’s easy to kind of just let time pass. Without the sense of urgency, there is nothing really forcong me to follow my dreams anymore, even though I still desire them.

So I’m getting into a habit of designing accountability into my life.

In the summer I burned with a fire to keep going, but as is often the case, as the wind gets colder and the leaves turn brown, that fire gets dim.

I spent most of my October in hiding. Originally I had planned to be very active with music but when I ran into a few speed bumps, everything kind of unraveled. I never made those plans.

I had hopped to play two shows a month by now, but that thought has become overwhelming and led me to inaction. I studied a lot, but my musical activity slowed to a halt again.

“I’ll play when I feel better.”

There’s nothing wrong with that but I have some good momentum right now that I don’t want to waste. I have the attention of no less than 3 artists who I respect and would love to work with to some capacity. That kind of attention doesn’t last forever as people get busy with other things.

I have about a dozen people who were really pleased with my last show and have asked me when I am playing again.

Summer is way too busy and overhwelmi but winter is an easier season to balance everything, so I don’t want to let it pass.

I changed my original plan of two shows a month to one show every two month, which takes the pressure off although I will be open to playing more.

I promised one of those artists that if they wanted I would book a show for us at a friends place. Now that I’ve told her that, suddenly the motivation has come back. I don’t want to disappoint her, especialy when it’s so easy to create a beautiful evening and things have already fallen into place and are waiting for me to send a few messages.

Two days ago we re-confirmed what we were hoping to arrange. Today I pushed a few buttons and started trying to set a date for my next show. It’s about two months later than I planned but better late than never.

Since we talked, I’ve gotten back to practicing regularly. I found a new setup that I am looking forward to trying. Loop and reverb on an acoustic guitar and my voice, a perfect middle ground between my two styles of playing (simple songs and psychedelic solo jams).

I got back to practicing the two new songs I had written. One clocks in at 10 minutes, a good 25% of my set! That makes putting together a setlist easy.

This show will push me to re-learn the lyrics I had written and forgotten and fet more comfortable playing. It also got me to work on a third new song, although there is no chance the third one will be ready in time.

I guess the show will be in mid December although I am waiting for a response.

Tongiht I will make a checklist of things i have to do in order to keep this ball rolling. The fire is a little more muted than it was in August and September, but it’s still burning bright!

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