After a little cleaning and painting work in the morning, we made the short trip to a local pool centre for a swim. I'd like to say it was relaxing, but with it being school holidays, it was less so. It was fun though, and while it was me much belated birthday present, it was actually for Smallsteps. She is getting more confident and comfortable in the water which is good, because I don't want her to be like me - the only Australian who is a terrible swimmer.
Smallsteps said that spending time together was the best bit. And the slide.
When I was a kid I didn't go on the slides. I was a pussy. I think it was not as much that I was not a strong swimmer and more that I felt that there was too much risk. As a kid (and still today) I am pretty risk averse, because I had to do a lot for myself and didn't have much. Without a fallback position, I had to "be right" because I would wear the cost. No one was looking out for me, or at least I didn't feel it most of the time, so risk was the enemy.
A terrible lesson to onboard.
I have tried to have Smallsteps be a bit braver than I was, by supporting her to do things she is a little afraid of - like going on the waterslide. But to do this, I go with her, or I go first, or I a there in support at the bottom. Whatever it is, I have tried to support her to push a little harder than she thinks she can, because I know she can do it.
So many people well into adult life believe they know themselves and their limits, but I think few do. When we have some support to go a little higher, faster, harder - we can surprise ourselves by how reserved we had been.
An example of this was when I was about twenty at the gym and I was bench pressing 60 kilos, and struggling. A big muscly guy I didn't know came over and said, "I think you can do more. I'll spot." He put on another 20kg and I pushed it out. And then another 20kg, and I struggled, but got it up a few times, before he took the weight. So I went from struggling with 60kg to struggling with 100kg in less than 5 minutes.
I had no idea I was that strong.
But he did. A stranger who knew nothing more about me than watching me push 60kg poorly. If it was up to me I wouldn't have even tried, but with some support, the "impossible" came into view and within reach.
Support matters.
And feeling unsupported can be a nail in the coffin, especially for a child. Maybe an adult is able to better process that feeling and move through, but a child will probably make a habit out of it, create strategies to deal with it, and be scarred for life.
Independence isn't all it is cracked up to be.
We should be independent in stone areas of our life, or at least have strategies to cope under normal conditions at least. But, we are never able to be out best when independent. Relationships with others support us to grow, even the bad ones. And while that growth can be negative as in many cases I have experience with, it can also be positive. We don't have to be scarred by a negative situation, if we are able to process it and take away a lesson that teaches us to be better.
Not bitter.
I don't blame my parents for the way I was brought up, because they were just being who they were. At least in my case, I don't believe they were quality parents, even though they each had some good qualities as individuals. If I could go back to that time knowing what I know today, I would have built a strong support and reference group she would help me grow heavily, instead of struggling to do what I thought I could, poorly.
Too many parents these days set no clear boundaries, nor do they encourage kids to grow. They protect them far too much, because it is easier to deal with a scared child, than a crying one who took a risk and failed. But, for the child, it is only easier as a child, because as an adult, life gets very difficult when there is never a risk worth taking, because they are all too scary.
What are we protecting ourselves from, if we don't risk living?
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
Be part of the Hive discussion.
- Comment on the topics of the article, and add your perspectives and experiences.
- Read and discuss with others who comment and build your personal network
- Engage well with me and others and put in effort
And you may be rewarded.
I did an OK job with my son as a parent, but now we are doing a much better job with our daughter. She is like in a start-up incubator. She has an IT department (me) which is helping her with her website and an integrated on-demand art print store. I also help her with photography of her art pieces and photo processing while teaching her to do all of the above. My wife is there as a business strategist, marketing department, soft skill development coach and emotional support.
The goal is to get her store to be a real business in the next five years so that by the time she goes to college she has a working business and lots of skills to better understand the higher level business courses and get more out of University.
That sounds great. I wish I was able to translate the few skills I have into something meaningful for Smallsteps. I think she takes the easy way out too often, which is also something her mother kind of encourages, so she is supported, but not to be her best.
Careful, because if her business is successful enough, she won't go to college ;D
No, she values education and her mother is not going to let her skip the bachelor degree, besides we have enough allocated for her education to go to any university in the world. Though she is thinking about a local University of Washington campus that is about ten minutes away from our house, which is going to become her house once we retire...
I was just telling someone else that I failed swimming class when I was a kid because I wouldn't jump off the diving board into the water. I eventually learned, but it was kind of a downer that they wouldn't let me move on to the second level just because of that.
I am guessing it wasn't the 10m board. I don't think I would have done the 1m!
It reminds me of a class as a kid where I was put in the low group because I went under for a second before treading water - so for the rest of the practice I was in a pool not learning to swim better.
I had a traumatic incident when I was younger, so I think for me it was more about the fact that the diving board dumped into the 20ft end of the pool versus the height of the board. If I remember right it wasn't really that high at all. It was just lack of confidence in my ability to resurface after going in.
I'm probably worse than you if it's any consolation XD
I put Eldest into gymnastics to make him learn how to deal with struggling and failure as prior to that everything just came easy to him. Recently found out one of his friends had been put into gymnastics for the exact same reason XD
Yay for the struggle increase with the kind unknown spotter :D
You must be shockingly bad!!!
Is gymnastics the place sadistic parents send their kids?? ;D
Yeh my lungs just stop working after a while.
LoL maybe? XD Might depend on what gym you go to, we're pretty chill as a rec club, the state/national clubs sound pretty hardcore.
This reminded me of my own life. Sometimes we think we have reached our limit, but the truth is we just need someone who believes in us. I have had moments where I was afraid to try something because I thought I would fail. Looking back now I realize fear stopped me more than my ability. That is why I believe support is so important especially for children. A little encouragement at the right time can stay with someone for many years. We all need people who help us see what we cannot see in ourself.
I think it stops most of us. It is just that some have a higher tolerance to deal with fear, or don't feel it as early.
And so can a little punishment.
as a child before i learned to swim i fell into a pool and could have drowned
my mother tried a little to dispel this fear from me but my father who could have come with me and taught me how to swim didn't and that caused me to not know how to swim for years
in the end i overcame this fear myself and learned to swim
I did drown as a kid (8 year old) but that isn't where the fear came from for swimming. My parents didn't support learning much for me - I was left largely to my own path - and few were good.
If we look at it from a historical perspective, our parents could only raise us with the opportunities, education, and environment they had while growing up. By today's standards, they may seem inadequate in some ways, but perhaps 10 or 20 years from now, future generations will think the same about us.
They will likely think the same about us (at least about me), but I don't think it was what they had available as parents, just that my parents were quite absent by the time I came along.
I have always had that phobia for swimming even up till now. As for encouraging her not to be like, i think it's always the best because it motivates them to do more.
What will you do about it?
I think I will get an instructor that would encourage and help me out of the fear.
You are correct when you talk about how we dont always know our limitations. Found many times I could push beyond what I thought were my phyiscal limits. Need to find that mentality again.
Thanks