They say, perseverance is the key to success.
Sometimes, it just gets you kicked in the head.
That is what happened to Smallsteps at school today.
At her mid-year parent teacher discussion, one of her development areas was being braver and building a wider friend network, as she has one particular friend that relies on her to always be there, always spend time with her. Another associated development area is to use her voice more, to speak up, so she doesn't miss out.
Today, Smallsteps took a big step and asked some boys in the yard if she could join in on their games, and they said no. So, she asked again, and on of the boys kicked her in the head.
Ask and you shall receive.
This was literally the first time that she went out and tried to be brave, the first time that she stood her ground, and the result wasn't ideal. If you fall off the horse, we are meant to get back on, but if the horse kicks you in the head, how willing are we to get kicked again?
I fell off a horse when I was seven.
Haven't got back on since.
It is interesting though, because it was these kinds of negative social interactions that taught me the most about the way people behave and think, and how social dynamics affect their actions. From a very young age, the majority of my interactions with other kids were negative, were often emotionally abusive, and occasionally, physically abusive. Similar to Smallsteps, I was a pretty decent kid overall, well behaved, and usually considerate, but that didn't help me with peers.
What it did help me with, was engagement with adults, which meant that I ended up speaking more with teachers than I did with peers, and as I aged, they increasingly engaged me as a peer, which meant the conversation we had were probably not the kinds of discussions that teachers and students usually have.
I don't know if this held value for them, but it taught me a great deal about interacting with people with a lot more experience than I have, and has served me well over the years. As someone who deals daily with experts in their fields, being able to help them fill and develop their gaps, whilst still respecting their strengths, has been useful. They gain, I gain.
Win-win.
But, at the time when I was a kid, it was impossible to see the benefits through the pains of social exclusion. As accepting as I was of the situations, it didn't mean I was happy with the conditions. It still hurt, and I do feel for my daughter, even though I am very sure that she doesn't have it very bad at all. But, experience is relative and for her, I am guessing it doesn't feel good at this time, even though later, she will likely be grateful for them.
From my own experience, those early life "kicks in the head" are probably the things that have impacted positively on me the most. I think that they made me better than I would have been otherwise, even though it really is impossible to tell what the alternative outcome would have been.
Smallsteps isn't a social outcast as I was, she has several friends, but she could benefit from improving the way she interacts with others, and that generally comes through practice - and failure. Social failure and rejection is actually a good thing in my opinion, as it teaches what it feels like to be rejected by peers. Like it or not, this is a lesson we must all learn, unless we are going to live as hermits in the forest.
Hermit life is not for healthy humans.
But, learning to be a healthy human means interacting with some unhealthy ones and at times, being a little less than the picture of health oneself. It is a learning experience, and we all can develop it over time, even the ones who when they were young, didn't act as well as they could have.
Sometimes I wonder what has happened to some of those kids from my childhood and what they turned out like as adults. I am guessing that most of them grew to be average folk, doing average things. Perhaps some of them are even doing well. However, not everyone grows up well. Some never grow up at all.
They persevere through life, with the behaviors of a child.
Success.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
Oof is she okay? I hope that kid got raked over some hot coals.
I have this thing about head shots and basically if I've decided that the head shot wasn't warranted there is literally absolutely nothing at all that can be said or done to convince me otherwise
Sadly that's stuff that has to be learned and dealt with as you grow (as much as "well-meaining" steamroller parents want it removed from existence). Guess the unwanted lesson that she got is getting an inkling of when to persevere and when to take no as an answer.
Hopefully she'll find a nicer bunch of kids to have fun with.
Obviously, she will be much more careful next time when there is a boy on a game or something else she would like to join.
Yes. It is unfortunate, as she is already too careful with many things.
The difference between solitude, which is when we long for the company of others and do not achieve it, and being alone, which involves voluntarily taking time of one's own between social interactions. Chosen solitude can be very revitalising, but there is nothing beneficial about it if we experience it as a punishment or if it makes us feel excluded from others. In a hyper-connected world, it is important to learn to appreciate the small moments of disconnection and to take time out from time to time to get in touch with our inner feelings.
Solitude enhances creativity. Many writers, artists, poets, and thinkers have spoken of their need for solitude over the centuries. Not all creative people are introverted, although many are. This is suggested by Mihaly Csikszentmihaly in his famous book Flow (Kairos): “Exceptional creators tend to be rather introverted”.
Microsolitude moments can improve children's behaviour. When you mark in your diary sometime for yourself, you are teaching your daughter or son that it is healthy to be with himself or herself. Some studies show that children who learn to spend some time alone are better self-regulated than those who do not. Teenagers, too, need this time to free themselves from the dreaded peer pressure.
Be alone to be more empathetic. Some research suggests that a certain amount of alone time can help us to be more empathetic towards the people around us. It is not always easy to find these moments, especially in these times when technology has transformed even our way of being alone. Even when no one is at home, we hardly ever switch off from communicating with others, be it through WhatsApp or other social networks. “It's just a message, or a tweet”, we tell ourselves. But even in cases where we find it difficult to disconnect completely, it is useful to make changes and reduce the time we spend glued to a screen. A study of teenagers found that just five days after eliminating their contact with technology devices, kids improved their ability to interpret emotions and facial expressions, which is key to cultivating empathy.
We learn to appreciate our own company. “Loneliness is dangerous. It is addictive. Once you see the peace it brings you, dealing with people stops being interesting,” says an anonymous saying. It is not necessary to fall into misanthropy, but the truth is that those who learn to be at ease without company may find themselves with an unexpected gift: discovering themselves along the way. After all, we are the only people we have to live with for the rest of our lives.
Improve your relationships. When we take time to take care of ourselves in a relationship, or any other kind of relationship, we end up strengthening our bond. Even with friends, we can often see how a brief absence makes us appreciate them more. Having friends and a support network is important for our health and wellbeing, as we said above, but taking a break from time to time and making a good plan alone can help us appreciate our relationships even more.
It helps you increase your mental resilience. We will never tire of repeating that we are social creatures, but some studies show that our ability to tolerate solitude is associated with a greater sense of happiness, more life satisfaction and better stress management. People who enjoy their time alone are less likely to suffer from depression.
Being alone gives you the opportunity to review the direction of your life. We plan a lot of things: parties, holidays, weddings, dinners, family events… But we rarely take the time to make plans to make the most of our lives. Allowing ourselves spaces of micro-solitude gives us the opportunity to review the purpose of all those plans. In those quiet moments we can finally think about our goals, the progress we are making towards them and the changes we may need to make if we have lost sight of the compass.
We have to feel free so that we don't have to follow anyone and be ourselves.
Wow, like literally kicked in the head? Was she down on the ground or was it like a roundhouse kick? That's still horrible. I hope she doesn't give up and realizes that maybe she just picked the wrong people to go out on a limb with!
What a hard lesson for Smallsteps to learn... devalued right at a moment when she was striving to recognise her own worth. In the moment, it's difficult to turn those lessons around... but in the long-term, I agree with you - social failure and rejection is actually a good thing. She'll pick herself up and take a new route of inquiry next time she wants to be included in something.
What!!! are you serious? that is shocking, hope she is OK, and the boy needs to be expelled or something.
Dear @tarazkp !
I wonder if Smallsteps considers herself Finnish!
I think parents' lives have a huge impact on their children!
I guessed that she may have had confusion about her identity as a Finnish while watching Your Life!
I wonder if you yourself identify as Finnish!
Sorry for my akward english!
Various experiences are needed to learn, but then, also I was told that when life is not fair, I need to step up and try to make it fair, when possible.
Well that escalated quickly. I don't think I've seen a case where a kid would kick another kid's head for asking to join a game. I hope your daughter is alright, and she was able to take that in stride. It might be a good learning experience for her to receive rejection early on, but I hope that doesn't affect her future outlook on things.
I think it's like obstacles given in life. You cross them, you grow. You don't cross them, you don't grow. And it keeps on slowing you down. It just does not discriminate. You just have to cross the bridge.
I have only been on a horse a few times. So far I did not fell off. Perhaps instead of making art I should have tried riding horses? But horses need to eat as well...
I’m sure she will feel bad that the boys rejected her to play with them and she may not want to give it a try anymore but that’s when she should keep trying
It is very good to be outspoken and I love the fact that you know about her development areas and willing to help her
Kudos!
When I saw the title of your post, the old Dean Martin song popped in my head and I thought you were alluding to it.
Then I read what you wrote. Geez. I hope she is ok.
Yes, I was the same. Generally well-behaved, which usually (unfortunately) makes one a bit of an outcast from other kids. As you write, I think that taught me a lot about how the world works. It also, ironically, taught be a lot about how socializing works in this world. Those lessons have served me well.
But anyway, I hope your daughter is ok.