Someone asked me the other day if I would have preferred to have had a boy child, rather than a girl, since I would have more skills for it. Besides it being a bit of a weird question, I do think there is some kind of sense in some cultures that fathers want to have boys. Which I guess comes down to a misguided belief that men are uncomfortable dealing with girls, or don't have as good relationships, or don't know how to deal with the various issues, or have nothing to offer, or are expected to want to push an athlete... or something.
It is all nonsense.
But it might be the case for some.
Personally, I never really imagined what it would be like to be a father to a boy, as I had only imagined having a girls - hopefully two. Better yet, twins. Alas, one was all that was in the stars for us. Luckily for us though, she is one of the brightest stars possible. I wouldn't have the intelligence to keep up with two of them, as I am already failing with one.
But I was thinking about the apparently common cultural belief that "dads don't know what they are doing" and how it is pretty condescending, considering how much dads actually do these days. Yet, there absolutely is a prejudice still, and I even see it in my own household, despite my known track record. But at the same time, I also know that for many things, I am far inferior to my wife - like braiding hair. I can do some basic plaits, and I am pretty good with clips - but past that, I am useless. And there are many, many more things that my wife is better suited to handle.
But if forced, I would work it out and survive.
And I think that pretty much sums up most of parenting. There are things that need to be done, so like it or not, good at it or not - the parent will learn to survive. Perhaps I am lucky though, because at least for me, a lot of the parenting thing came pretty easily in the sense that I am not grossed out by a nappy, and I am quite happy (at least not upset) to get up in the middle of the night and then work on very little sleep. And some of the best times when my daughter was young, was heading into the city to walk around with her as a toddler.
If I had a boy, would I have been any different with him?
I don't think so. But, maybe I would have. Maybe I would have done other activities, or expected some other behaviour had it been a boy. Or perhaps as they grew older, I would have somehow imposed more of my own beliefs and experiences onto them, assuming that they are "similar to me". Maybe I would enforce more of my will, live more vicariously?
I still don't think so.
But it is hard to predict behaviours when considering counterfactuals, because our thoughts are tied to our experiences and our beliefs about ourself. We can predict what we would do and how we would feel, without really knowing if we are imagining ourselves well or not. It is only once we have real experience that we can make an informed opinion.
So maybe I would have been a better father to a boy than a girl.
But, I Still don't think so. Yeah, it would have been different in some ways, but for the most part, it is the same. Do what needs to be done to the best of a parent's ability. It doesn't matter if it is a boy or a girl. Each child has their individual quirks and interest areas and requires different kinds of support.
But I wonder, do mother's get questioned as to whether they have the skills to raise a boy?
Taraz
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There is some weird assumption that mothers just somehow magically know what to do.
they don't but if there is a decent support network at least have the stereotypical advantage of being able to learn and access help in a hurry
And the stupid stereotype of dads being clueless is perpetuated by way too many guys having learned helplessness/straight up refusing to do anything which is generally either they're really straight up that freaking useless and lazy and selfish (I'm not annoyed in the slightest* by that one parent I knew of at all who has the delusion that because he has a full time job he is fully entitled to hours and hours and hours of uninterrupted "me time" but would flip out if his wife did the same and also gets mad about "having" to "babysit" his own kid) and other times have a control freak wife who absolutely needs it done precisely her way and every other way is wrong and her husband is a terrible person for not learning how to do it "properly" (sometimes the husband does need to learn how to do it properly, most of the time it's fine just not done exactly the way control freak wants it but if you explain that one to them and how just letting some things go would give them the time that they insist they so desperately crave but that apparently causes more butthurt and I guess some people just really adore complaining above all else).
This made homeschooling particularly entertaining and ditto for the groups I coach XD
* I am extremely annoyed
This topic has always been a debate topic for family in this part of the world. In African, people attribute more respect to male children as they if a woman doesn't give birth to a male child, such a woman is not complete. So, in most cases, the woman would feel bad and might try a lot of things in order to make sure she has a male child for her husband. The issues actually breed from the fact that female children aren't always entitled to their father inheritance in most of the African culture as they believe such female would only take those fortune to her husband house.
Another important aspect is the fact that in African they believe in continuity of their heritage, like the generation names, which is actually different for a female child to keep once she get married. Although time changes and people are also changing with it but the fact still remains that a lot of households would still like to have a male child no matter what. Some women will keep giving birth until they have a male child.
To me, I believe both are good. It is just that training a female child requires a lot from the parent, unlike a male child that can survive without much input from the parent.
Is it ever discussed whether this is part of the problem in much of Africa in terms of economic situation?
Another thing I find quite silly. What does a name matter? And then, why do women need to change? Tradition - yes, but is it a tradition worth keeping because it is so valuable?
This I disagree with and I think it is one of the reasons there are so many problems in the world. Men are "easy" so don't need to be parented as well as girls - yet they inherit everything??
Let me start from the last notion. The reason why I said female children require much attention is that. A female can be abused easily. I'm sure if you are to send your female child on an errand, you would feel more worried as to whether she is safe or not compare to a male child particularly in the part of the world.
In this part of the world, name is very important as it makes it easy for us to identify one another so as not to Marry from the same family. African value culture more than anything as there are some traditional women who would not dare to do or come close like a family of a masquerade.
It is not actually in term of economics they just feel women would waste the resources. Before educating a female child in Africa, it is seen as wasteful as they often believe she would end up in the kitchen, but time are changing, and people are also changing with it. Even in African now some wife are using their husband and their father names together like compound name.
Your post is spot on, my friend @tarazkp. I agree with you, there is no manual for being a dad, everything is learned along the way. For my part, I don't find it makes any difference whether it's a beautiful girl or a strong boy. My first daughter was an angel who lit up the house and touched us deeply until she left. Then again dad to a boy, Matthew, who came to fill the void left by Sophia. Friend @tarazkp, the important thing is that you are always there for your beautiful princess, who is growing up fast. A hug full of blessings.
Again, a difficult counterfactual for you. But do you think if the order had been reversed (boy first) it would have changed things later? From my understanding, Venezuela still has a bit of machismo about it.
If you were to stereotype parents....
if you're a sports fan, you would want a son, so you can take him to games wearing matching kit, and maybe play the game together
Otherwise, a daughter will always be daddy's girl, even when she's married and have her own kids. In our culture we often say when your daughter marries you gain a son, but when your son marries, you lose a son.
I watch sports with my daughter too!!! We watch the Formula 1 together and she gets into it :) We also build Lego together, and play with Barbies :)
Pretty strange eh? Yet it gets perpetuated because people love to hold onto the traditions of their parents.
It is a beautiful and wise way to accept what nature has in store for us with pregnancy.
I'm so lucky I gained a daughter - my DIL is fabulous!
Does anyone have the skills to raise a human? Gender of course, doesn't really matter all that much, unless you allow it to be a social issue. People are people. Different people have different needs, and I guess that a parent detects the requirement for those needs and provides.
Having said that, there's a lot more (probably) to being a good parent beyond that. We're animals, but we're not animals. Some cultures of creatures tear apart the wrong gender, or exile it from their social structure.
I have never wanted children, but I have definitely observed that there are all of these things existing in our world:
Fathers who are great to their daughters
Fathers who are terrible to their daughters
Fathers who are great to their sons
Fathers who are terrible to their sons
Mothers who are terrible to their sons
Mothers who are great to their sons
Mothers who are terrible to their daughters
Mothers who are great to their daughters
You'd think - but most people don't seem to look at it this way. They want to parent by social algorithm.
For sure there is. I think that it is also worth considering what are the outliers, and how they are the ones presented in the media - exclusively on the negative side of the equation.
Or even worse, by whatever is the trend at the time. Then you have a confused kid wondering why all their toys are no longer reflecting the familiar frequency of light, and are now reflecting another frequency of light (its okay for kids to play with toys of whatever colour)
Ahh, I think the representation of anything in media is problematic. It is usually intentional, and with a pre-calculated bias. Not because it is malicious, but because there is a view point.
So, does that mean that raising a child should be a merely scientific endeavour?
Nutrition, Nourishment, Play, Education? What have I forgotten, abstract concepts such as love? :D
The only differences I see is the fears involved. At least here, having a girl added a few more to the list of anxieties that I don't want to think about. Talking about the ones that you can't prepare them for, that just happen out of bad luck. The educational stuff is easy to cover, but when life happens, the best education can fail.
And yes, we fathers lack some skills. I can do some braids now, and fairly nice little things. I'm not one for fine motor skills. But she can learn that elsewhere, and she does at other people's houses. I don't think it's a deficiency, but more a strength - focusing on teaching the things that we are actually very good at. And let others from the village teach them the stuff we can't. It seems like you're very complementary with your wife there, so your village is right with you.
Thanks for this text, it was a great read!
Yep - plenty of fears. I think that culture these days is unfortunately heading backwards in many respects in regard to women.
I had an agreement with a friend to teach my kid ice hockey - because I can't, and this is Finland :)
My uncle said to Dad once that 'surely you wish you had a boy'. Dad was gobsmacked. Why, he thought, when I have two beautiful daughters? But that says a lot about who my uncle was, and who my (late) Dad was.
I think you're a wonderful father, precisely because you care so much. You set the bar so high for yourself that you'll always feel you're failing, and one day @smallsteps will sit at your dying bedside (hopefully, I mean the calm dying in bed kinda thing) and tell you that you were an amazing father and the only father she could have imagined for herself.
You know, I felt FAR more responsibility as father of a boy. I wanted him to be a good man, you know, because of all the pricks in the world that expect woman to look after them. I reckon I was harder on him than I would have been on a girl, but he's a great man, and my daughter in law always thanks me for that, so I can't have been too bad a mother.
And parent guilt, well, you can't help that.
Pretty weird, eh? At the same time, I do wish I had a boy as well sometimes - because of the potential difference in experience. That is why I wanted twins - Twin experiments!! ;D
Especially these days... It isn't just that men want women to look after them still, they also can be pretty volatile in many other ways. Emotional immaturity is running rife.
So now the real question is... do you want them to have boys or girls!? ;P
Emotional immature men? They shouldn't have kids until they grow up and sort themselves out. If I ruled the world ..
Yeah, I often wonder what would have happened if Jamie and I had a bio child together... A girl would have been nice too.
In our culture, lineage is passed down from the father. That's why most families definitely want to have a son. They also leave a large portion of their inheritance to the son.
Girls are usually more devoted to their families. I don't know if families are that fond of their daughters.
That is awful and outdated. It suggests the girl has no worth, except to slave for the family. That makes me very sad.
But why does it have to go on this way?
They want their inheritance to be in the hands of someone reliable, so that their lineage can continue and grow even further.
Is the assumption that women aren't reliable? In my experience, it generally goes the other way :D
Do you think that you would always be able to tell them apart? I don't have any siblings so this makes me wonder if my life had been different if I had one. would he/ she be my friend or a rival?
When you know twins, they are like night and day.
Sibling rivalry often depends on the parenting style.
Well, in our culture, the girl gets married and goes to her in-law's house, which becomes her house from then. The boy remains at the father's home , takes care of responsibilities, and ultimately, it becomes his home. This is the reason, people want a boy, but they also want a girl - having each is the best combination. Thankfully, God has gifted us both and we are truly enjoying their company, their difference and what not..
Have you noticed at changes over time in the culture? Do you think it will ever balance out and won't be tied to finances?
It has changed to some extent, people who do not have a son and only girl child no longer feel the same as it used to be decades back, because girls are now much more capable of being financially independent and manage the finance. But then it's not only about finance, the culture of girl going to her husband's house and settle there makes the difference.
The concept of boy child taking care of Parents will change most likely in couple of generation, we being the first.
I completely agree with you, being a father isn’t about the child’s gender, it’s about love, support, and continuous learning.
Have you ever felt that your community or even your family pressured you or criticized you because you’re a father to a daughter not a son?
Not in Finland. Finland doesn't have much gender bias.
True, there it is. In my country some men say;
A real man would have a son
Which is stupid and a perspective of seeing women as inferior.
I think it is common in many countries where "tradition" matters. Traditions are pretty silly in my opinion in the sense that even when they are no longer relevant and even harmful - people hold onto them.
I raised three boys and I can't imagine if we had another girl :) It's easier with boys, I look to see if they are dressed well for going out, give them money for pizza and I don't worry about them for half a day.
What would you have done differently of it had been three girls?
I don't know, I think girls need more attention than boys. They need more time.
Girls child are always attached more to their Dad. They are the true angels one could ever imagine in life, however, in my country Boys were always preferred in a family. I think, it going to be a long comment, so better i write down my view point on a post. let see if it make some sense.
Think about who raises children locally for you and then consider, who should have more resources to build a strong family :)
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STOPSex of children doesn't really matter nowadays for a lot of parents, but if we are going to look back at the historical records and past events especially in a royal and patriarchal societies, it is the opposite. They wanted 'sons' because in the past, boys holds powers and legacies. In simple words, boys are more valuable, more dreamed of to have, more to say were a priority. If we are going to relate it to different movies or series that depicts this actual picture, I believe Game of Thrones is the best example or so I thought. This is where we can see that there are some deep obsession for having male heirs, pressure on women to produce sons, and the idea that daughters were just a bargaining tool for alliances and deepening power and influence.
But as the time goes by slowly, this belief are also changing. People are becoming more openminded. And I think that it's better for us to talk about old beliefs to better understand where those mindset came from, why they existed, and why are those beliefs are slowly changing to the point that they no longer serve us.
Personally, children regardless of their sex or gender or identity whatsoever deserves to be seen as enough. Not because we have to but because they are also human beings with differences.
regardless of the gender that comes around as a parent there is no choice than to be there for them to lead them to the right part and also teach them.
The truth is that every child, whether male or female, is a gift from God. And every parent who understands this will always place equal value on all their children irrespective of the gender.
This is a masterpiece.