Since we all likely know the fairy tale of the princess and the pea, I will give the abridged version below, just as a reminder of the setup and result.
The Princess and the Pea
(A synopsis)
The Prince's Quest:
A prince desires a real princess as his wife and searches far and wide, meeting many who claim to be princesses, but none he can truly believe.
The Test:
One stormy night, a young woman, claiming to be a princess, seeks shelter at the prince's castle. The queen, doubtful, places a single, hard pea under twenty mattresses and twenty featherbeds, to be slept on by the woman.
The Result:
The woman reports a terrible night's sleep, unable to rest due to the pea beneath the bedding. The prince and queen realize that the woman's sensitivity to the pea proves she is indeed a true princess, and they marry.
Lucky prince and a happily ever after??
Fuck no!
Just imagine if the princess is that sensitive to a pea under all of that mattress, how high-maintenance she is going to be about things that actually matter. Sure, a good night's sleep is important, but how well can a person sleep if they are hypersensitive to the slightest of discomforts.
See where this is going?
They say that "ignorance is bliss", but then that also implies that awareness is misery. And while that might not be completely true, it stands to reason that if what we are focusing our attention upon is discomfort and anything that can be construed or misconstrued as an attack, we are not going to have a very good time of it. And what we have done in society is condition people into high-maintenance princesses, hypersensitive to discomfort, and then strewn peas everywhere we are going to spend time.
Anxiety, Depression, Loneliness.
Do you see the connection? No matter what people claim, the majority are focusing on what is wrong in their lives, and when they are focusing on every moment with a magnifying glass looking for discomfort and attack - they find what they are looking for. Making themselves uncomfortable and victimised in the process. Anxious in the world where they do not have control as their unrealistic expectations cannot be met. Depressed because they are unable to feel good in an unfair world that they fills them with fear. And lonely, because people exacerbate their problems, triggering responses that make them feel negative emotions, and they must be avoided.
And just like the princess, people aren't sleeping well.
When you have the conditioning of a princess, poor sleep in trying times is to be expected, isn't it? All that anxiety keeping them up at night, depression keeping them sleeping in and loneliness, so there is no one to talk through the issues with, that give a therapeutic ear, not just a sympathetic one.
I entitled this piece "Undesirable Princesses" because while I was writing on the levels of anxiety experienced by the young and this morning on the number of people on antidepressants,, it had me thinking about how attractive or repulsive high-maintenance personalities are to me. People who are always assuming that they are under attack, and complaining that the world isn't fair. Always anxious because they live in fear of the world, and believe that everyone is out to get them.
They are tiring. Soul-sucking.
Undesirable?
At least for me, I prefer spending my time with those who even though might not have all their shit together, are continuously working toward improving their state of mind, body and soul. People who acknowledge the flaws in themselves when they arise, but don't use them as excuses, nor accept them as "the way they are". They might not have the bandwidth to work on all the things now, but they are making inroads somewhere. It isn't about having a positive attitude, it is about making positive actions.
Trying doesn't depend on their feelings.
And it is a reminder to me to look in the mirror and ask myself;
Am I a Princess?
Taraz
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Yes, @tarazkp , you are a princess. And I am, too.
The matter of perspective, directly from my mom's playbook: How do we, with our elaborated discussions and complaints about the state of the world, seem to people in Gaza? Rwanda? Somalia?
Answer: Like a princess on a pea.
There's a different take to find in the story:
Everyone suffers at their own level.
It goes back to what you wrote in other posts, that kids aren't exposed to discomfort anymore. I understand your point, but can you blame a princess that has been treated as such for her whole life and experiences discomfort for the first time, to suffer like we would when our finger gets chopped off?
I agree that those who have the possibility have to work on their upbringing, and get into the real world. Everybody does, there is no perfect upbringing, and especially in a society that is getting more and more fragmented, communities breaking up - "It takes a village to raise a child." is awesome, but there are no villages left. This figure of speech doesn't only refer to the amount of work, but to the values passed on from the whole community to the child. The more exposure a child gets to other peoples' limits and values, the more "complete" it can go on in their life. But we don't have that anymore. We lack the profound relationships. And I'm digressing, seriously, what's wrong with me.
Anyway. Yes, they have to get their butts up and do the work.
No! Definitely can't. Similarly, can't really blame a person for being obese, when they were trained since childhood to be that way. However, it is possible to perhaps learn enough to start to undo some of the damage, and maybe, just maybe, learn not to damage the kids to come quite so much.
There are definitely no villages left. Even in the same family a lot of people aren't willing to babysit too often, or even really get to know the kids. It is weird.
It's sad.
How can we teach people after the fact? If society failed them in their upbringing? Going down to their level, making reels and shorts on how to work on things that they don't even realize as being problematic, as they're normal to them?
I always was against having children, because of the world we're living in. But the more I think about it, the only hope for humanity is to teach the children right. But who is there to teach them right? Who is left?
@tarazkp I forgot to select the community for this one, which would've been Reflections. Let me know if it would be okay to cross-post. If not, no harm done, I'll learn my lesson :-D
https://peakd.com/@beelzael/oneness-and-fragmentation
My wife usually sleeps better in the summer than she does during the school year simply because of her stress level. If there was a way for me to fix it I totally would. I wonder how she will sleep when she is retired.
She needs to write more!
Sleep is such an issue these days. Best get it sorted earlier than retirement :)
She actually started journalling again a few months ago. I don't know if it has helped or not.
Thank you for your realistic take on the princess and the pea story. I enjoyed reading your post. Especially because the story struck a chord with me when I was young. So I have thought of it often in situations where discomfort results in seemingly ridiculous reactions.
But until now, I never thought about it from an anxious viewpoint.
Now I'm a lifelong anxiety sufferer. So I'm aware of the illogical reactions to stress. And also aware that those reactions differ in their realisation depending on environment, upbringing, wealth, health, etc. Because the unconscious "flight, fight, or freeze" response is always unpredictable.
Thanks for making me realise that the "pea in the bed" reaction in this story is just another example of an anxious person overreacting to a perceived stress.
The brain is a strange one, isn't it? Even when we consciously know that we are being irrational, the unconscious doesn't care and does what it has learned to do. Breaking that cycle can be incredibly difficult.
Have you found something that helps you manage your anxiety?
Yes. But I understand that many people might be sceptical. Maybe because they don't understand allegory. Anyway, it's The Chimp Management model from Prof Steven Harris.
Basically you, the Human, have a logical approach to life. But part of your brain is ruled by emotions (The Chimp). And part is ruled by reactions (The Computer).
The Chimp is stronger than the Human. Due to faster brain pathways. But strongest is the Computer. So to control the Chimp, you have to learn to understand it, and train the Computer.
There's obviously more to it. But there is a very good support website.
I must say that I have absolutely no medical training. So this is very far from a recommendation. Hence, no link. But it's easy to find for anyone who wants to find out more. But I urge anyone who is tempted to do that to discuss it first with their existing medical support team.
I was listening to an interesting book a week or two ago called "Unfuck Your Brain" - Faith G. Harper that I quite enjoyed.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Here (and the internet in general) it is about having the conversations, not about being a professional. :
Strong Take! People who constantly scan for "peas" do amplify their suffering and isolate themselves. It's okay to feel unfairness of life because its life. But, too much focusing on unfairness rarely (never) fixes anything. Personally, I deeply value those people who act on their flaws (even imperfectly) over those weaponizingg their struggles. That final question is brutal yet necessary, "Am I the princess?" I say, it's the antidote to the very toxicity you describe. Keep asking the hard questions 🙋👏.
Note: Thanks for the story, this is the first time I have heard about this one. Greatly connected 👏
They don't need to broadcast their flaws, they just deal with it all the best they can. Too much of the current culture is about being the victim.
I might be more the ugly stepsister ;)
Let's say the more we age the more we insist on the side of our rights, and this situation has increased in recent years due to the changed world. That's why there are many people stay lonely, as a preference or as a result.
The choice to be in pain of loneliness, rather than learn a better way.
This is my wife's favorite fairy tale in her childhood :) If I saw only humor in this fairy tale, then she did not. And my wife has been very demanding of the people around her all her life, although in everyday life and at work she is not afraid of difficulties.
Did you give her my take on it? :D
Yes, sure :)
When people focus on minimum level problems and deepen the problems instead of solving them, anxiety, depression and unhappiness increase significantly. After a while, those people feel like they are special creatures that need serious care.
It is interesting how many of them are not religious, but expect a god of some kind to save them.
I agree with you Mr. Taraz, you have to be consistent, I don't know, try to accumulate nice phrases, it's about embodying them, because what changes you is doing it, making a mistake, trying again, then, yes, you learn when knowledge becomes one with you, one flesh.
People want a google answer to solve all their problems.
As it is,Mr. Tarazkp, with Mr. Google any diagnosis, he issues reasons with entire treatises of entities with "knowledge" and a long row of categories struggling to enter twisting reality to find acceptable justifications, and blah blah blah, making pure and simple learning fall into disgrace.
I’d start by saying that your take on the princess and the pea is spot on. I totally agree .It’s good to have a positive attitude but like you highlighted, positive actions is always better and sometimes when we are hypersensitive, it can lead us to anxiety and depression
Maybe many don't act because they don't want to be judged?
Your analysis connects the hypersensitivity of the ‘princess’ with modern problems such as anxiety and depression. From your perspective, focusing on discomfort and victimisation is detrimental. Instead, you value action, personal responsibility and continuous striving for self-improvement as the path to mental strength and wellbeing, distancing yourself from passive complaining, but on this basis politicians' control over ordinary citizens looms.
people who accepts their own mistakes without backing it up with excuses are opportuned to be better as that can motivate their action in doing better.
Hello. The modern world is consumerist, so people have high expectations about their quality of life. And nowadays, an average person can do things that were once reserved for the very rich or the exceptionally gifted. It's been proven that having too many choices causes anxiety, so it's no surprise that modern societies are becoming fragile. If the princess had had nothing but the bare ground as a bed, she probably would have slept soundly due to exhaustion and, upon waking, would have eaten the bean. XD.