Tales From The South Vol. III - The Hormone Depot Edition

in Comedy Open Miclast year

I should probably create a new folder for these encounters. What it Sounds Like To Me or, Tales From The South, something like that. I'll add episode or chapter to it and then change it with each release.


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If you're new here, this is when I reenact a casual conversation between a couple of Southerners as it played out to me, a California native who transplanted in North Carolina six months ago. The South, they call it, where "fixn's" are side dishes like vegetables and potatoes and "fixn'2" means don't hold your breath, they'll get to it when they get to it.

Ya'all means you all or everyone in your party. Children are yung'ns. Cheese grits means breakfast and sweet tea is served all summer. You know you're in The South when they alternate their cigarette between hands to give thanks at Pastor Billy-Bob's on Sunday where "you and the missus bring the kids down to the farm house this summer for breakfast, ok" is the same as:

Ya'all fixn'2 ring the yung'ns o'er yonder fer cheese grits di'sweet tea season ya'herd!

Generationally developed slang. They have their own language. I'm often excuse me? Say that again, please like I'm back in England. But it's not just what they say, it's how they say it. Southerners have lazy jaws. When they talk, their mouth doesn't move.

Down'da golden on they gotsa hunted dolla awe shotty's dis'seekin.

(ᴅᴏᴡɴ ᴀᴛ ɢᴏʟᴅ & ᴘᴀᴡɴ ᴛʜᴇʏ ɢᴏᴛ $100 ᴏꜰꜰ ꜱʜᴏᴛɢᴜɴꜱ ᴛʜɪꜱ ᴡᴇᴇᴋᴇɴᴅ)


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How it goes:

Open your mouth slightly, just enough to get a straw in there, a small straw. Breathing comfortably - gap the size of a small straw. Now talk but don't move your mouth like your jaw's wired shut. Use only your tongue and the roof of your mouth to annunciate.

You'll blend right in if you talk with a lazy jaw and ignore felonies and misogyny.


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Alright, so anyway, I'm in the checkout line at Hormone Depot. The sign says Home Depot. Anyone tuned in outside the US; it's a do it yourself construction / renovation / repair type warehouse the size of an amusement park that sells every building material you can think of. I call it Hormone Depot cuz the ladies who work there have some sort of pact amongst themselves to wear the tightest, shortest shorts. A warehouse stacked floor to ceiling with building supplies lined with unshaven construction dudes assisted by ladies in big huge fake boobs and Daisy Dukes—Hormone Depot.

Anywho, checkout line, dude at the counter's abnormally huge—six foot six'ish, probably weighs 250 - 300 pounds. He's not your typical Mountain Dew and Chik-fil-A Southerner. He's a corn fed, offensive lineman Southerner dressed in hospital smocks, those 2-piece pull over type surgical uniforms doctors wear. He's purchasing a set of box-end wrenches.

The cashier's older than both of us, probably mid 50's. Round glasses like John Lennon, longer than average hair. Greasier than average, too, and a matching mustache.

He rings up the wrenches. They engage in small talk. I can't hear everything they're saying. Giant doctor guy's typing his PIN in the card machine when the cashier acknowledges whatever medical facility is embroidered on the front of giant doctors shirt. I didn't catch the name but for this story we'll say he said Covid Carnegie Hall.

Covit Carnegie All aye? Utcher filled?

Giant doctor's a humble guy. He's not trying to draw attention to himself. Probably just ended his shift and would appreciate skipping the part about small talk with a cashier at Hormone Depot.

He gives a fake smile and nods, quietly responds so only himself, the cashier and an eavesdropping DanDays can hear.

"Neurosurgery."

Dayum, thinks me. Neuro—brain and spinal. Not just science, either, or department, giant doctor is a giant brain surgeon. Probably why he's humble about it. No idea how many awkward conversations he's entertained once word's out he's a neurosurgeon but I know how this one goes.

Izya a doctor?

"That's the rumor," giant doctor says, still making an effort to talk quietly and avoid drawing attention to himself. Cashier points to the embroidery on his shirt.

Betcha thought Iza doctor 2 cuz I know'd air'ya work but I ain't. Says Covit Carnegie All ight'der.

They fake laughed a little bit. Not me! I looked the other way :stat: and held in an authentic laugh cuz that shit was funny. Giant doctor's trying to get out of there. He's paid up, tool kit's in a bag, but the cashier isn't done yet.

Ya'all ever figger outta way 2 fix stoopit o'er dare?

He said that.

And he said it just like that, "stoopit" with a T. I can't make this stuff up. How in the hell is giant doctor supposed to answer that thinks me and then, without hesitation, giant doctor fired off a clever response like this isn't his first rodeo.

"I fix stupid paperwork every day."

Good one, giant doctor.

He steps away from the counter, bag in hand, faces the exit doors that are less than 10 feet away, "thanks! Have a nice day," whatever other cordial formalities and heads for the exit but the cashier isn't finished—one more question.

Giant doctor created some distance between himself and the register so the cashier raised his voice. Not only he and myself heard him that time. The whole front of the store heard:

Ya'mean if I cutcha a bad check ight'now you could ache'it a good'un?!

I laughed out loud. Eh, whatever. I held it in the whole time. Giant doctor is giant red doctor now, he wasn't ready for that. Center stage, paused in a headlight stare like they just announced he holds the seed phrase to Satoshi's wallet.

He didn't laugh. Giant red doctor vanished quicker than a Blurt stakeholder.

Guess gnawed.

The cashier turned and confusingly said to me while shrugging his shoulders like little man who doesn't know why his sister has a bloody lip or why his hand hurts.

Nah, brain surgeons.. I stopped myself. I almost cracked a joke about they give me a headache but didn't want to ruin the moment.


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Sort:  

Hey wow they use 'Eh' like us Canadians too eh?

There is nothing like a thick southern dialect to make you feel like you are not in Kansas anymore, or rather have arrived in Kansas. ;)

I love the story and the subtle blockchain digs too!

BRAVO!

 last year  

Much thanks Zeke, glad you enjoyed it. Eh, kinda. They start with it whereas you guys end with it, eh. = }

They're making it easy on me sir. All I have to do is go somewhere a handful of people are and take notes. Just tonight, a clerk was giving directions to the guy in front of me: Turn right at da pallet. Said it about four times, da pallet.. at da pallet.. leff at da pallet.

It's called Pilot.

I lived in Greensboro NC for two years and really enjoyed it. I noticed quite the range in accents from non existent to barely understood at all. Lol

I loved sweet tea. I could drink that year round if it weren't so bad for you because of all the sugar in it.

wait until they have a snow warning down there aka 1 millimeter of snow - it's hilarious. Everyone panics and floods the grocery stores buying up all of the milk and bread. Nothing else, just those two items. I could never understand it.

 last year  

The hell were you doing in Greensboro? We're a couple hours west, just on the other side of Asheville.

I Can't drink that sweet tea dude. My grandmothers tea was some of the sweetest liquid I ever consumed, ever, and it's like water compared to these people. Even Mountain Dew looks at their sweet tea like, pass.

Funny. I've already seen the panics. And the worst part is, the weather changes so quickly so by the time they're all in line with carts full of toilet paper, the weather updated and it's sunny and 70 again.

I was working down there right out of college. I stayed two years and then they wouldn't allow me to renew my Visa. It was right during the recession in 2008 lol.

Yeah, so true about the weather. It never came to fruition when I was there. Maybe once there was actually a light dusting of snow on the ground.

The South reminds me a lot of way north of where I am, minus all those guns, cuz it's Canada of course.

 11 months ago  

Only thing weirder than cops carry and civilians don't is civilians who fanatically agree with it.

I better go take cover now.

Inncoooomming!!

I call near misses, near hits. Back on the job, back when I had to do that stuff Squirrel!! my wording never said near miss when someone almost died—near hit.

Not sure how I got here. Sorry about that.

Hello, you. Glad you found me. I've been looking for myself. Did you see me when you found me?

World of the temporary, can't be concerned about small shiny shite.

You warn ahead of time? Wow. I don't do that.

I find you where you are, there, which isn't here, but I'm not even here half the hours now.

Y'ain't frum roun'ere ar ya? Y'all ain't got but one a in it dammit.

 last year  

Oh, is it? It's not ya all? Yall Ya'll.. Gimme a minute!!

Nah man, I'm not. Pretty obvious huh? I've never even been a Chick Filet parking lot.

Nah, that's got too many syllables in it. Where I grew up you'uns is used half the time instead.

There might have been a tell or two. Me neither, they didn't have such things in my neck of the woods, don't know as I recall seeing one until I moved to Louisville.

 last year  

Those things are everywhere! Like Waffle House and dollar general—everywhere (my phone capitalized Waffle House by the way, that wasn't me. It just did it again too). Open - close, Monday - Saturday cuz you know thaint open Sundee mmkay lines of cars out the street, 2 wide, as far as you can see.

That reason alone dude, I won't go there.

How do you come up with stuff, the translation is hilarious. It’s funny, I sometimes have trouble understanding the English and the Irish when watching movies.

I like the term y’all, but never sure I spelling it right ya’all

 11 months ago  

According to Jethro there's only one A in it but he's from Kentucky so I'm going with ya'all.

Hi farm-mom. What I do is.... go somewhere. I know! That's all it takes. I'm surrounded by stories, only the funny ones make it to the block.

Thanks for supporting me however long we've been doing this. <3

Hey y’all, I am pretty sure Jethro is a native southerner and you are a transplant from California no less, I am going with his version🤪😜❤️

Ya'all fixn'2 ring the yung'ns o'er yonder fer cheese grits di'sweet tea season ya'herd!

Thank gawd that came with translation! Would have never guessed lol.

How it goes:

Open your mouth slightly, just enough to get a straw in there, a small straw. Breathing comfortably - gap the size of a small straw. Now talk but don't move your mouth like your jaw's wired shut. Use only your tongue and the roof of your mouth to annunciate.

GOLD! gonna remember this for when I visit that part of the world lol. I may be contacting you by then "Yo Dandays, remember when I said I was gonna bookmark that post of yours with the instructions to fit in the South? ¿Dónde está?" LOL

And I bet all the stuff was funny as shit, reading your commentary below the impossible to decypher chatter from the cashier. :) I enjoyed the read, thanks!

 last year  

¿Como?


You're most welcome. Thanks for keeping up with me. = }

It's so common here. Between the extreme lack of urgency, lazy jaws, gospel music at the gas station and Sunday service is a repeat of Fox News, all I have to do is go somewhere and take notes.

Thank'ye dawlin, ya'all come back now y'her!

HA! I got that last one at least, seems like I'm learning already lol..

You probably remember the Andalusian part of Spain (assuming you went here too lol) people are so lazy speaking Spanish as well. Not that they speak slowly but they just swallow part of the words so it seems.

'Ta luego instead of hasta luego

¡Vuelvo enseguida!

 last year  

Oh, man! I'd be deep dung fer'sher mmkay if I was there. Reaching for my translator, get a few clicks in and everyone's ~poof!

:Crickets:

You Crack Us Up!

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